The Engineering of the Relationship Between Spouses

Occasion: Transcription of a Fajr khatira delivered on 23 June 2026 Source: A transcription of a video khatira by Dr. Ahmed Abouseif — [Watch the original video on YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tqgagscQxQ)

Inner peace between spouses is something a person builds by his own will, or tears down by his own will. In the verses recited to us in the Fajr prayer, the Lord of the worlds, glorified and exalted be He, addresses His Prophet ﷺ, saying: ﴿يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ لِمَ تُحَرِّمُ مَا أَحَلَّ اللَّهُ لَكَ﴾ (O Prophet, why do you prohibit what Allah has made lawful for you), and this is a first question. Then comes the second: ﴿تَبْتَغِي مَرْضَاتَ أَزْوَاجِكَ﴾ (seeking the approval of your wives). Seeking the approval of the wives is a psychological matter for the Prophet ﷺ, meaning that he wants to please his wives; and contentment is something a person builds within himself, so that he sees everything in the other party as good, or sees everything in them as bad.

The issue is within you

We are speaking about both parties at the same time, so let no woman say that I am biased toward men, even if I may seem so. The point is that the issue lies within you: what do you want to see?

We have in Arabic a proverb that says: «عَيْنُ الرِّضَا عَنْ كُلِّ عَيْبٍ كَلِيلَةٌ، وَلَكِنَّ عَيْنَ السُّخْطِ تُبْدِي الْمَسَاوِيَا» (The eye of contentment is dim to every fault, but the eye of displeasure lays bare the flaws)^[1]. Consider your state when you are returning home in a fine mood, happy because you got a raise at work or profited in a certain deal; you enter the house with very high spirits, and you see your wife as an angel just descended from heaven, and you speak to her from that standpoint, and the children are cheerful and you are pleased with them — indeed, pleased with the whole universe. But if you come back upset because someone hurt you, whoever it may be, you no longer see people at all; you cannot see them well, and this is not merely because of their faults; rather, everything that comes from them angers you, even if they wanted to please you.

So the issue is internal in the first place: what do you want to build? This is from the side of feelings.

From the side of the mind and of aims

If we move to the stage of the mind and of aims, you are capable of knowing the faults of the one before you. And the question is: should they have no faults? The answer: if I become free of faults, then my wife will become free of faults. And as long as I am flawed by my human nature — in good and in evil, in right and in wrong, in what adorns me and in what disgraces me — so too is the other party.

However, the difference in natures leads to a difference in what each looks at. The man looks in his other half at the places of beauty and adornment, at good speech and modesty in words, at the skilled hand that makes food, at the intelligent mind that deals with situations, and so on. And the woman looks in her other half at manliness, at responsible guardianship (qiwāma), at strength in situations, and at his gentleness with her by his own will while she knows he is capable of otherwise, and so on.

So, to put it briefly, we have two parts to the matter: the first part is what you want, and the second part is what you do. Whoever wants happiness for himself seeks the approval of his spouses. Then Allah the Exalted says: ﴿وَاللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ﴾ (And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful).

What calls for forgiveness and mercy?

﴿يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ لِمَ تُحَرِّمُ مَا أَحَلَّ اللَّهُ لَكَ تَبْتَغِي مَرْضَاتَ أَزْوَاجِكَ وَاللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ﴾ (O Prophet, why do you prohibit what Allah has made lawful for you, seeking the approval of your wives? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful). Why "Forgiving, Merciful" here? What calls for forgiveness and mercy? His words ﴿غَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ﴾ (Forgiving, Merciful) apply to what occurs between you, and the one addressed by it need not be the Messenger of Allah ﷺ alone. For we have a situation that came from the other party: from two of our Mothers, may Allah be pleased with them, came what called for the Noble Qur'an to be revealed, so much so that Allah the Exalted says: ﴿إِن تَتُوبَا إِلَى اللَّهِ فَقَدْ صَغَتْ قُلُوبُكُمَا وَإِن تَظَاهَرَا عَلَيْهِ فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ هُوَ مَوْلَاهُ وَجِبْرِيلُ وَصَالِحُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَالْمَلَائِكَةُ…﴾ (If you two turn in repentance to Allah, for your hearts have deviated; but if you support one another against him, then indeed Allah is his protector, and Jibrīl and the righteous of the believers, and the angels…)^[2].

Consider this scene: a situation that calls for all this mobilization — that Allah, glorified and exalted be He, be a supporter of the Prophet Muḥammad ﷺ, or of the husband in such a situation; not Allah alone, but Jibrīl, and the righteous of the believers, and the angels. As if we were going to war! Imagine this host with which Allah, blessed and exalted, defends His Prophet ﷺ. And if you wish, extend the words to the society of Muslim men and women: you are speaking about a husband, about a situation however simple, and my Lord, glorified and exalted be He, speaks of the relationship between spouses as the firm fortress which, if it is sound, the whole nation is sound, and if it is corrupted, the whole nation is corrupted.

Distributing the roles: the man's mind and the woman's heart

So what is required? The distribution of roles here in the noble surah, as the Lord of the worlds, glorified and exalted be He, described it, is that He speaks to the man in his mind. Is this a process of the heart or of the mind? It is the art of managing situations: speak to the woman in her heart, and speak to the man in his mind. The woman is addressed in her heart: ﴿إِن تَتُوبَا إِلَى اللَّهِ فَقَدْ صَغَتْ قُلُوبُكُمَا وَإِن تَظَاهَرَا عَلَيْهِ﴾ (If you two turn in repentance to Allah, for your hearts have deviated; but if you support one another against him), meaning that if feelings go out of their familiar frame and exceed the limit, there will be a counter-mobilization.

Then look at the patterns of address here: ﴿يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا﴾ (O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire). What is the significance of this protection? Is it a protection of the mind or of the soul? What is required of the man and the woman, standing in one trench, is that this most complete mind and this most capacious heart come together, to surround this family entity and preserve its future. That is the system of Islam, and it charts the course of married life.

Ingratitude in the context of marriage

And the wondrous thing in the situation is the saying of Allah the Exalted — and the Qur'an is truly, truly wondrous, glory be to Allah! Our Lord says: ﴿يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا لَا تَعْتَذِرُوا الْيَوْمَ إِنَّمَا تُجْزَوْنَ مَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ﴾ (O you who have disbelieved, make no excuses today; you will only be recompensed for what you used to do), then: ﴿يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا تُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ تَوْبَةً نَّصُوحًا عَسَىٰ رَبُّكُمْ…﴾ (O you who have believed, repent to Allah with sincere repentance; perhaps your Lord…). Do you see that we are moving in the same context, in an incident between a man and a woman, between the Prophet ﷺ and one of his wives? We see that the discourse has grown somewhat larger from here.

So why are the disbelievers brought in here? Dr. Ahmed holds that disbelief (kufr) here need not mean ingratitude for the blessing of Allah or the disbelief of denying Allah; rather, it is ingratitude for the blessing of Allah in the existence of a standing marriage that one of the two parties wants to demolish, or at least does not respect. It is as though it were a kind of kufr of another sort: ingratitude for that with which Allah, blessed and exalted, has guarded this frontier in the society of Muslims and the world of Islam — that He brought into being a family complete in its pillars — while one of the two parties pays no heed to the blessing of the Lord of the worlds upon him in that; so it is as though our Lord, glorified and exalted be He, calls him ungrateful for the blessing.^[3]

Individual repentance and communal repentance

And the wondrous thing in what follows is that Allah says: ﴿يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا تُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ تَوْبَةً نَّصُوحًا عَسَىٰ رَبُّكُمْ…﴾ (O you who have believed, repent to Allah with sincere repentance; perhaps your Lord…). When we speak of repentance, we find two kinds: individual repentance and communal repentance. Individual repentance is ﴿إِنَّمَا التَّوْبَةُ عَلَى اللَّهِ لِلَّذِينَ يَعْمَلُونَ السُّوءَ﴾ (Repentance accepted by Allah is only for those who do evil): they repent of matters that occur from individuals. But here it is the repentance of a society, as though the Lord of the worlds, glorified and exalted be He, warns lest the family failure present in one home spread to the rest of society.

The supplication

Allah, blessed and exalted, wants for this blessed home a fence that protects it. So ask Allah, the Mighty and Majestic, to preserve your homes for you safe and stable, to show you in your spouses what delights the eyes, reassures the hearts and calms the souls, and that the eyes be filled with contentment with one's life partner on both sides, and not turn to another. O Allah, amīn.

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: «عين الرضا عن كل عيب كليلة…» is a well-known line of poetry that the speaker cited as an Arabic proverb; it is attributed to ʿAbd Allāh ibn Muʿāwiya ibn ʿAbd Allāh ibn Jaʿfar, and also to Imam al-Shāfiʿī. ^[2]: Editor's documentation: The verses are from Sūrat al-Taḥrīm: ﴿لِمَ تُحَرِّمُ…﴾ and ﴿تَبْتَغِي مَرْضَاتَ أَزْوَاجِكَ﴾ (verse 1); the speaker mentioned the fourth verse in summary and stopped at "and the angels," and it ends ﴿وَالْمَلَائِكَةُ بَعْدَ ذَٰلِكَ ظَهِيرٌ﴾ (and the angels, moreover, are [his] assistants) (verse 4). He also mentioned ﴿قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ…﴾ (verse 6), ﴿لَا تَعْتَذِرُوا الْيَوْمَ…﴾ (verse 7) and ﴿تُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ تَوْبَةً نَّصُوحًا…﴾ (verse 8). As for ﴿إِنَّمَا التَّوْبَةُ عَلَى اللَّهِ…﴾, it is in Sūrat al-Nisāʾ (verse 17). ^[3]: Editor's documentation: This is an understanding particular to the speaker. The verse (al-Taḥrīm: 7) is an address to the disbelievers on the Day of Resurrection, as Ibn Kathīr said: «يقال للكفرة يوم القيامة: لا تعتذروا فإنه لا يقبل منكم» (It will be said to the disbelievers on the Day of Resurrection: make no excuses, for it will not be accepted from you).