Our Life Between Litigation and Forbearance

Occasion: Transcription of a khatira delivered on 2 August 2019 Source: A transcription of a video khatira by Dr. Ahmed Abouseif — Watch the original video on YouTube

Between Litigation and Forbearance

Perhaps some of you were surprised by the title of this gathering of ours: "Our Life Between Litigation and Forbearance." For when a problem arises between people, even a small one, a spirit of vindicating the self arises in their souls, along with an attempt to monopolize and an eagerness to take rights even harshly. And most of these cases, very sadly, lie within homes and behind closed doors. When we see that between spouses, we realize that something is amiss in the lives of these people. We try to reconcile as much as we can, and we often reach a result if we reach the hearts and manage to satisfy the souls, but if Satan and desire prevail, we are unable to control the situation.

Today I wanted to revisit what one of the brothers mentioned in the Fajr khatira the day before yesterday, as he recounted an episode between Abū Bakr and ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with them both). He also told me another ḥadīth about Rabīʿa ibn Kaʿb al-Aslamī (may Allah be pleased with him), which we will come to, but I preferred to begin with the first narration, so that we may see how a difference in points of view, indeed a word that comes out between two companions, is not far from the societies of people, but is a state that occurs even among the greatest of the Companions. It has been reported, in their virtue, that if the faith of Abū Bakr were weighed against the faith of the Ummah, it would outweigh it, and the same has been reported of ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with them both).^[1] So we are speaking of two men to whom Allah granted a measure of faith that only Allah knows, in the life of the Ummah and the life of humanity.

The Narration of Abū al-Dardāʾ

Abū al-Dardāʾ (may Allah be pleased with him) narrates, saying: There was an exchange between Abū Bakr and ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with them both), and Abū Bakr angered ʿUmar.

Before we proceed, we must pause at "may Allah be pleased with them both"; for everything that is to come will not diminish their standing, and likewise when we speak of ʿAlī (may Allah be pleased with him), may Allah be pleased with all of them. These exchanges and disagreements may appear personal, and may appear to be eagerness for the work of da'wa, but we must all agree that they were human beings, whom Allah chose to be a support to His Messenger ﷺ in carrying out the mission.

And look: an imam in his area, does he have helpers who help him carry the trust and fulfill the message, or does he work alone, swimming with the current or against it? A successful teacher in his school, does he have anyone who helps him fulfill the trust? A successful doctor in a hospital, does he find helpers or not? Every person who works in a place must have people rally around him to help him, and if he finds no help, he may not achieve the desired results even if his skills reach their highest.

As for this exchange between Abū Bakr and ʿUmar, we do not know the wording in which the angering occurred. But the two of them, may Allah be pleased with them, may differ in assessing a situation, and the foundation of companionship, affection, love, and the bond of faith remains. That does not mean life goes along rosy; that is not in the nature of life at all. Imagine a married couple, one of whom loves the other until the love between them reaches the degree of passion; do you imagine that the state of passion, infatuation, and romance lasts more than a few days, a week for example? Then a problem comes and confronts us and changes our general mood, the nature of our replies, and the way we speak, so that instead of speaking to you with utmost affection and ease, my voice rises, and a raised voice is not proof of hatred.

So we say: There was an exchange between Abū Bakr and ʿUmar, and Abū Bakr angered ʿUmar. We have no way of saying how the angering was: Did he say something to him that upset him? Did he say to him: Go away from here? We cannot determine it. What matters is that ʿUmar walked off angry, as we say: Leave me alone and go away. So Abū Bakr followed him. Was it in order to upset him more, defeat him, and make him unhappy a second time? No, that is not the character. The angering that happens between us is only a slip of the tongue, a word that came out in spite of us, and this is proof that it was not premeditated; Abū Bakr was not waiting for ʿUmar so as to meet him and do such-and-such to him, rather the two of them were on the road and a word came out as a slip of the tongue or poor conduct. There is no angel walking on the earth; what we have are human beings who move, act, and deal with life with its human givens.

The Closed Door

So Abū Bakr followed him, asking him to ask forgiveness for him, saying: I ask you by Allah to forgive me, while ʿUmar, angry, kept going and did not answer him. Abū Bakr stayed behind him and ʿUmar kept going, until ʿUmar shut his door in his face. Imagine that you walked behind your companion by car up to the door of his house, and he shut the door in your face! I think that for us it might be the severing of a lifetime, and the story would end. We, with our interpretation and our spontaneous reactions, might do just that, but the narration says: Then Abū Bakr turned to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ.

So note: Who was it that angered? Abū Bakr. And who walked off angry, entered his house, and shut the door on himself? ʿUmar. So who was it that returned and went to the Prophet ﷺ? Abū Bakr. Yet it would be ordinary for one of us to say: Enough, I am going back to my house. Abū al-Dardāʾ said: And we were with the Prophet ﷺ, when Abū Bakr came.

And in one narration: Abū Bakr came, holding the edge of his garment until he bared his knees. And do you know why? The one who lifts his garment and walks does not care what happens to his clothes, he only wants to get there and pays no attention to anything. As for the one who walks calmly, he walks in his clothes and his finery and watches the road and does not fear that his garment will catch on a stone. And this means that he wants to reach a goal and pays no attention to anything else; there is nothing in his head besides it and no focus on anything else.

When the Prophet ﷺ saw him coming in from afar, he said: «أما صاحبكم فقد غامَر» ("As for your companion, he has been quarrelling"). That is: he has a case that he has brought. And this is among the lessons of upbringing: the leader knows his followers, the father knows what his children have on their minds, and the one entrusted with a flock and the one in charge knows what is with his flock. Send blessings upon our master the Prophet ﷺ. And how many times does your companion come in to you and you say to him: What is the matter with you? Smile for Allah's sake, laugh a little, why are you upset? And you come in to your wife at home and she says to you: You do not look well today, so what did you do at the mosque? That is how the spirit that reads the faces of those around it is.

Then Abū Bakr gave the greeting and said: O Messenger of Allah, there was something between me and Ibn al-Khaṭṭāb. And we imagine someone who made a mistake and then tried to win over his companion, and the door was shut in his face; and this is a disgrace among people, for in the community, were it known, it would be on every tongue. If a person came to the Shaykh to talk with him about a matter like this, he would say to him: Can I close the door so that people do not hear us? But Abū Bakr did that and told of it, as proven by the fact that Abū al-Dardāʾ narrates the episode to us. He said: Then I hurried to him, then I regretted it. That is, a word came out of him and then he regretted it. I asked him to forgive me, but he refused, so I came to you. Then the Prophet ﷺ said: «يغفر الله لك يا أبا بكر» ("May Allah forgive you, O Abū Bakr"), three times.

Why the Prophet Said That

Why did the Prophet ﷺ say that? To begin with, the Prophet ﷺ knew the psychology of his Companions. He knew that among people there may be one whose chest tightens and whose voice may rise a little, yet if you asked anyone in the community about a man with such a trait, he would tell you: He is the one who opens his heart to us, and we hope to be with him in Paradise. And all the people present, you can distinguish between them: you may burden so-and-so with a request, and you may never ask so-and-so for anything, and another you can speak with for a hundred years without growing bored or his growing bored, and a third you entrust with your secret, and a fourth in front of whom you do not recount a problem, and a fifth from whom you can ask for money, and a sixth to whom you give from your own pocket even if you are in need. So look at the Prophet's ﷺ discernment among his Companions.

And this makes us recall the narration that ʿĀʾisha (may Allah be pleased with her) relates; she said: I was with the Prophet ﷺ when a man knocked at the door, and he said: «من بالباب؟» ("Who is at the door?") It was said: So-and-so. The Prophet ﷺ said: «بئس أخو العشيرة» ("What an evil brother of the clan"). This kind of talk is among us with one another, but the Prophet ﷺ said: What an evil brother of the clan. Then when they opened the door and the man entered, the Prophet ﷺ was cheerful and beaming with him, and received him with welcome and a smile. ʿĀʾisha says: I was astonished at what the Prophet ﷺ did; a little while ago you said such-and-such about him. When he left I asked him: O Messenger of Allah, when he knocked at the door you said: What an evil brother of the clan, then when he came in you were cheerful with him? He said: «يا عائشة، بئس الرجل» ("O ʿĀʾisha, evil is the man") or words to that effect, «من يُتَّقى لسوء خلقه» ("who is shunned because of his bad character").^[2]

That is, there is someone with little manners; were you to treat him as he deserves, you too would go beyond your limits, or a man who has no religion; were you to treat him as is proper, you would not be safe, so you treat him in a way by which you do not lose your religion and do not open for him the doors of wronging you. And this is courtesy (mudārāh), and there is a great difference between courtesy and flattery (mudāhana); for flattery is hypocrisy.

The point is that the Prophet ﷺ was the one who knew his Companions best, so he said: «يغفر الله لك يا أبا بكر» ("May Allah forgive you, O Abū Bakr"), because he knew what was in Abū Bakr's soul, and knew that what comes out of the tongue may be a slip of the tongue, a word that came out upon which no court can be built, my brothers.

ʿUmar with the Prophet ﷺ

Then ʿUmar regretted. And with that we close the curtain here and turn the camera to the second shot. Where is ʿUmar now? We left him in his house, having shut the door on himself. And this is natural for one who returns upset with his companion, especially if his companion is dear to him: he does not want anyone to speak to him and shuts himself in. Then ʿUmar regretted what he had done. And Abū Bakr, when he returned, where did he return to? To the Messenger of Allah ﷺ. And ʿUmar, when he left his house, where did he go? To the house of Abū Bakr. Imagine that he had returned upset and angry, and the natural thing is that he would stay in his house thinking: How did I do this? And why did he not forgive me? But ʿUmar went out and came to the house of Abū Bakr and asked: Is Abū Bakr there? They said: No. So he came to the Prophet ﷺ, and the face of the Prophet ﷺ began to change color.

And when ʿUmar entered, the Prophet ﷺ became angry. So who was in the wrong? Abū Bakr was the one who said a word against ʿUmar. When the Prophet ﷺ is angry, is he angry at the one who erred or at the one upon whom the error fell? This is a point at which we stop. When ʿUmar entered, the face of the Prophet ﷺ changed color, so much so that Abū Bakr became afraid, so he knelt on his knees and said: O Messenger of Allah, by Allah, I was the more unjust, I am the one who wronged him. He was pleading with the Prophet ﷺ not to be angry with ʿUmar. Then the Prophet ﷺ said: «إن الله بعثني إليكم فقلتم كذبتَ، وقال أبو بكر: صدقتَ، وواساني بنفسه وماله، فهل أنتم تاركو لي صاحبي؟» ("Allah sent me to you and you said, 'You are lying,' and Abū Bakr said, 'You have spoken the truth,' and he consoled me with himself and his wealth; so will you not leave my companion for me?"). After that he was not harmed.^[3]

And in the narration that our brother mentioned, when the Prophet ﷺ said that, he rebuked ʿUmar: How can his brother ask him to forgive him and he not forgive? How can he say to you, "Forgive me," and you do not pardon him? So the problem is not in the slip of speech, because this is expected from anyone, instead of one word that comes out, another word comes out. But the greater issue is that things remain in the souls: How can he say to you, "Forgive me," and you do not pardon him? Then ʿUmar said, in essence: He never asked me to forgive him but I had said in myself: May Allah forgive you, except that I did not let him hear it.

That is, Abū Bakr is walking behind ʿUmar saying to him, "Pardon me," and his companion answers in himself, "May Allah forgive you," but does not show it to him. We may ask among ourselves: Why did he not show it to him? But this is a matter that goes back to what the situation then required, and we do not know what is in the souls of creation. But the principle between us remains, and the first requirement, reconciliation and pardon.

Rabīʿa ibn Kaʿb al-Aslamī

And we have a lovely story narrated by our master Rabīʿa ibn Kaʿb al-Aslamī (may Allah be pleased with him). Let me say by way of introduction before the story: He is a man of Banū Aslam, and his occupation in life was that he herded. And in that there is a point: Beware of remaining sitting in your house without work; even if you go out to work in one of the shops, work and do not remain sitting at home. He had no work but herding sheep, and this was the work of anyone, as we were in the old days in the countryside, even the small child goes out with the grown-ups to learn endurance, and when he becomes a man, it is not fitting for him to sit idle.

So he used to herd sheep among his people until they heard of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, so he set out with those who were with him to the Prophet ﷺ, knew him, and submitted to him in Islam. And when he returned to his people he was unable to remain among them, for his soul had become attached to the Prophet ﷺ, so he returned to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, and took up a special occupation in Madinah, which was that he made himself a servant of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ.

Listen to the narration; Rabīʿa (may Allah be pleased with him) says: I used to serve the Prophet ﷺ and attend to his needs all my day until the Messenger of Allah ﷺ prayed the last ʿIshāʾ prayer. And the meaning of "all my day" is that we are speaking from the break of dawn until he prays the last ʿIshāʾ. When he prays the last ʿIshāʾ, is the working day over, and I go to sleep? No, he says: I would sit at his door when he went into his house, saying: Perhaps a need will arise for the Messenger of Allah ﷺ. That is, the Prophet ﷺ might need something at night and he is there at the door. And I would keep hearing him say: «سبحان الله، سبحان الله، سبحان الله وبحمده» ("Glory be to Allah, glory be to Allah, glory be to Allah and with His praise"). So he is eager to hear if he calls him so that he does not miss it. And pay attention, there is a difference between this point and his eavesdropping on what is happening inside; no, that is not it. He sat following the voice of the Prophet ﷺ, even his glorifications, he says: until I grew weary, that is, until I felt that it was no longer a time when anyone would ask for a need, so I would go back, or my eyes would overcome me and I would lie down at the door of the Prophet ﷺ.

He said: One day he said to me: «سلني يا ربيعة، سلني أُعطِك» ("Ask me, O Rabīʿa, ask me and I will give you"). That is: Ask of me whatever you wish. He said: I said: Give me time to consider my matter, O Messenger of Allah, that is, grant me a little time to think what I want. He said: So I thought to myself and realized, listen to these two words, so I thought to myself and realized that the world is coming to an end and passing away, and that I have in it a provision that will suffice me and come to me.

And take note: Whose words are these? The sheep herder who a little while earlier was herding sheep! This intellectual and civilizational shift that took place in the mind of that Companion, so that he speaks with this logic, is something extraordinary. So I thought to myself and realized that the world is coming to an end and passing away, and that I have in it a provision that will suffice me and come to me, that is, what Allah has written for me will never be less than my need. And no one bargains with me over this matter, nor says to me: Do something forbidden to increase your provision.

He said: So I said: I will ask the Messenger of Allah ﷺ for my Hereafter, for he is with Allah, Mighty and Majestic, in the position that he is in. That is, his standing with Allah is such that if he asks Allah for something, He gives it to him. So I said: I will ask the Messenger ﷺ for my Hereafter, not for my worldly life. And many people today, if a request of theirs is validly made to someone, ask him for the world: raises, dues. But our companion said: I ask for the Hereafter.

When I came, he said: «ما فعلتَ يا ربيعة؟» ("What did you do, O Rabīʿa?") I said: Yes, O Messenger of Allah, I ask you to intercede for me with your Lord that He free me from the Fire. This is the request. He said: «من أمرك بهذا يا ربيعة؟» ("Who commanded you to do this, O Rabīʿa?") I said: No, by the One who sent you with the truth, no one commanded me to do it, but when you said to me, "Ask me and I will give you," and you are with Allah in the position that you are in, I looked into my matter and realized that the world is coming to an end and passing away and that I have in it a provision that will come, so I said: I will ask the Messenger of Allah for my Hereafter. He said: Then the Messenger of Allah ﷺ was silent for a long time, as if he were reflecting on the excellence of this answer and on this blazing intellect that brought forth these words. Then he said to me: «إني فاعل، فأعني على نفسك بكثرة السجود» ("I will do so, so help me against yourself by prostrating often").^[4]

What the Two Stories Teach Us

The story we wanted to tell is a little long, and its summary is that a disagreement occurred between Rabīʿa and Abū Bakr (may Allah be pleased with them both) over a simple matter, but it escalated until it reached the Messenger of Allah ﷺ. It tells us how wisdom was what regulated the movement of society, and that people's random actions may destroy and not build, ruin and not develop. It teaches us that haste in making decisions will not have wise results, and will not always be correct. It teaches us that we may give up something in some situations in order to gain what is greater and greater. And it teaches us that acknowledging a kindness is a matter known only to the people of good origin among mankind; for the people of good origin among creation are those who know what it means to preserve a kindness for those who have done good to them in their lives, in the presence of Allah, glorified and exalted is He.

This was a quick tour showing us that if we insist on taking one another to court (Why did you do this? And why did you take the matter this way? And why did you make such-and-such?), then the relationship between us will, in most cases, be severed before long. But if forbearance floods our lives, that is, that you sometimes close your eyes to some things, or at least that you seek reward from Allah, glorified and exalted is He...

Listen: If your brother wrongs you personally, it is not sensible for you to forgo Allah's pardon, which you ask for yourself, in exchange for not pardoning anyone. The equation is exact, my brothers: If you seek pardon from Allah, you must pardon creation. This is a settled matter.

And the second thing in this matter is that I always look at what follows from the action, unless some kind of foolishness or reckless action occurs in a given situation. For we are human, and those we are speaking about are the greatest of people, may Allah be pleased with them all, and yet some mistakes may be recorded about them, but it is the general approach that is considered. For example, you hear someone say to you: O so-and-so, such and such, and you say to him: Is it possible? No, my brother, this is not your habit, this word is not your habit; for expression reveals the root of what is in you, but the possible mistake is welcome. So pardoning a mistake is a way to sustain your psychological stability.

I ask you a question: Does the one who is hostile to people know how to sleep? Between you and so-and-so there is enmity, or between you and him there is a case or problem; do you think you can sleep? No. But if you pardon and forgive and the matter leaves your heart, he sleeps with a contented eye, why? Because his heart is pure!

And reflect when the Prophet ﷺ told his Companions that a man of the people of Paradise would appear before them, and one of the Companions followed him and went after him to ask: What is the secret between you and your Lord that the Prophet ﷺ speaks of you as being among the people of Paradise? He said, in essence: I go to bed with nothing in my chest against anyone of creation.^[5] This is the trade that he sought in order to win the bounty of Allah, blessed and exalted is He, and His good pleasure.

I ask Allah the Exalted for me and for you safety in both abodes, and that Allah, Mighty and Majestic, pardon us and overlook our misdeeds and our sins. O Allah, amen, O Lord of the worlds. May Allah reward you with good and be pleased with you, and the peace of Allah, His mercy, and His blessings be upon you.

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: The speaker attributed this statement to the Prophet ﷺ in the wording "if the faith of the Ummah and the faith of Abū Bakr were weighed, the pan of Abū Bakr would outweigh…" and likewise for ʿUmar, and its authenticity as a raised (marfūʿ) report in this wording was not verified, so it is phrased here in the tentative form; to be reviewed before publication. ^[2]: Editor's documentation: The ḥadīth "What an evil brother of the clan" is agreed upon from the ḥadīth of ʿĀʾisha (may Allah be pleased with her) (al-Bukhārī and Muslim), and the speaker transmitted it by meaning and signaled this by saying "or words to that effect." ^[3]: Editor's documentation: The story of Abū Bakr and ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with them both) in approximately this context was recorded by al-Bukhārī in his Ṣaḥīḥ from the ḥadīth of Abū al-Dardāʾ (may Allah be pleased with him). As for the Prophet's ﷺ rebuke of ʿUmar and ʿUmar's statement that he used to say in himself "May Allah forgive you," it does not appear in al-Bukhārī's context, and the speaker took it from the narration that one of the brothers mentioned to him, so it has been transmitted as he said it without verifying its authenticity. ^[4]: Editor's documentation: The origin of the ḥadīth of Rabīʿa ibn Kaʿb al-Aslamī (may Allah be pleased with him) on "ask me and I will give you" and "so help me against yourself by prostrating often" is in Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, and the long context that the speaker narrated is closer to the narration of Imam Aḥmad in his Musnad; the speaker transmitted it by meaning with some commentary. His statement in the summary that the disagreement occurred between Rabīʿa and Abū Bakr (may Allah be pleased with them both) does not appear in the narration recounted here, so it has been transmitted as he said it. ^[5]: Editor's documentation: The ḥadīth is in the Musnad of Imam Aḥmad, in the story of ʿAbd Allāh ibn ʿAmr (may Allah be pleased with them both) when he followed the man for three nights; the speaker only alluded to it and did not give its wording, and it is transmitted here by meaning.