Is Our Home a Comfort Zone for Our Children?

Occasion: Transcript of an Isha khatira delivered on August 3, 2026, at Bayt Al-Karim Source: Transcript of a recorded khatira by Dr. Ahmed AbouSeif, watch the original video on YouTube

Tonight I want to focus on the comfort zone of each one of us. What does "comfort zone" mean? We have comfort zones in many ways. Each of us has clothes he feels comfortable in, clothes that make him happy because they match his style, his body, the weather. Each of us may have a special chair at home where he likes to sit or lie down. Some of us feel at ease in a particular place, or when sitting with friends, or when talking with a certain kind of person who gives him strength.

Why this topic

I chose this topic because I heard words that hurt me, though I don't know quite how to describe them: a daughter speaking about her father and mother and her home. SubhanAllah. So I asked the room: what is the opposite of a comfort zone? Someone said, "War zone." Another said, "Stress zone." Irritation, pressure. She was describing the home with these words, all of them together describing the state she is in the moment she enters it. I can imagine what lies behind that. When someone tells us, "This is my war zone, the zone of hardship for me, where I am usually frustrated and upset and not well," the question is what the cause is.

One of you suggested the answer: a lack of respect for one another.

But imagine your own son or daughter saying that about your home. Close your eyes. Take a picture of your home and imagine your children having that feeling when they walk in. Instead of saying "Alhamdulillah, I'm home," they are bracing to struggle. I am serious. Imagine it.

What we do not see behind the bubble

Usually we don't notice it. I may call my son and see only what is in front of me; what is behind the bubble I cannot see, because I don't want to see it. Maybe I am causing the damage without understanding. I say a bad word to my wife in anger, and I leave. Alhamdulillah, I am out. But what war starts after I go? What fire do I leave behind me? That is what I cannot realize. I go somewhere else to have my comfort zone, and I leave the fire behind.

Two sides of one rope

What is the reason? Me first, and the other partner of me: my wife. As long as there is harmony between the two of us, we are two sides holding the rope at home, and everybody is held by it. If I cut it, they fall. If I do not hold my side strongly, the slack may pull all the way to the other side.

Think how many women speak badly about their husband in front of the children, who observe and absorb all of it until they are full. Then one day you cannot find your child at home: at eighteen he leaves. Why? You would still give him money; he would pay no rent. Yet he prefers to work at McDonald's or Walmart and earn money the hard way rather than stay home without work, because of the hardship at home. We cannot expand our chests to bear the others in the same place.

The mentality of taking

Usually my expectation from the people around me is: why didn't you do that for me? She asks me, why didn't you bring money, why didn't you do this and that. Nobody asks himself, why didn't I do that for the other? Once we have this mentality, the mentality of taking, of putting things inside, I am always trying to be full. I don't know what to call this kind of personality, but this is the situation. I don't want to take long; I have only given you, perhaps, the description, while the prescription is supposed to come from all of us together.

The prescription

The main thing is what Allah, glorified and exalted, told us: to live with them in kindness.^[1] And the Prophet ﷺ said that the best of you are those who are best to their families.^[2] How can you give your power, your talent, your skill to the children at home? How can you let them feel this is the comfort zone?

Consider what I do when my son comes home late and I say, "It's not a hotel. Are you coming to my home only to sleep and leave?" I am giving him feedback: he does not belong to this place, the place belongs only to me, and he is a guest who should go when he has the chance. A random word from my mouth gives him that feeling.

But when I ask him the same question, "Why did you come late? How will you wake up to pray?", I have pointed him in the other direction. I made the relationship between him and Allah, and I gave him responsibility for waking at dawn to pray and coming back. I did not make the relationship between him and the home, and between the home and me. The other message is: this is our home; we need to keep our home clean. You are building that feeling in their hearts.

I hope I delivered the message in a humble way tonight. I ask Allah to help us give our children, and our families, the feeling of comfort. And when your partner has that feeling, she will help you give it to the children. May Allah help us fix any problems we have, and correct our direction in this life and in the hereafter.

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: The speaker paraphrased and did not cite the verse; it is likely "وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ" (al-Nisa' 4:19), which is unconfirmed. ^[2]: Editor's documentation: Paraphrased by the speaker; the wording "خيركم خيركم لأهله" is reported in al-Tirmidhi and elsewhere.