Raising Children in America: Give Them Your Time

Occasion: Transcript of an Isha khatira delivered on August 10, 2026 Source: Transcript of a recorded khatira by Dr. Ahmed AbouSeif, watch the original video on YouTube

I had prepared something related to the previous topic, but one of my students told me today that he is starting school tomorrow, and that school has already begun this week in different districts. So we have to deal with the circumstances in front of us, including the start of the school year. What does that mean? How many of us here have children in school? Not many of us, perhaps. Anyway, alhamdulillah.

The ocean

Imagine we put our children in the ocean and asked them to swim out and come back. We could hardly expect any of them to return, because they would find something waiting to eat them. That is exactly what happens when we bring our children to America and let them deal with every kind of community. How do we keep them safe?

There are different strategies. The first says: keep them away from the public school, in an Islamic school, or homeschooling, or a private school. On the other hand, some say: I simply cannot afford private school. I have suffered with that myself before. So we have two different opinions here.

My own experience

You may be surprised by my experience with my children. I kept them in public school up to seventh or eighth grade, so that they would be strong in their education. After that age the desires begin to speak inside a person, boys and girls alike. Once they reached that stage, I took them out of that environment and put them in an Islamic school. We will not find angels walking around in an Islamic school, we find human beings there too, but at least they have someone watching them: "What are you doing, young man? Young lady?" They have something that distracts them from what Shaytan is telling them. This is my personal experience. I have three children, and all of them went through this path, alhamdulillah. The reason is what I told you: keep up the educational path first, then move them to the Islamic one.

But what do we do with them during that time, while they are out there?

What my father's farm taught me

Let me share my humble experience with my father. I used to wake up at six or before, in time for Fajr. After Fajr I dealt with the animals on our farm, and when I finished I prepared food and everything else. Then I went to school around eight. For two hours or two and a half I was preparing everything on the farm before going to school. I finished school around three-thirty and came home, and there was no time to rest: I had to go to the animals, prepare things for them, give them water, and so on until the time of milking, and then deal with the milk. Only after all of that would my father say, "Habibi, you have homework; you can do it now."

Imagine a little boy who starts his work at six or earlier and never stops the whole day, until he goes to Al-Azhar. No joke. You have to focus, concentrate one hundred percent. If you are at ninety-nine, you will be punished. And you keep that concentration the whole time, doing your work before and after, until the hour of sleep when you start your homework.

Come with me to America and look. Do we have farms around us? Do we have anything that keeps our children busy like that? In my time I had no time for devices; alhamdulillah, we didn't even have them. I had no time to hang out with friends, no time to smoke, no time to do anything wrong.

So when I brought my children here, I immediately enrolled them in the Quran institute, the after-school program. I asked them to start the day at Fajr, prepare themselves for school, go to school, and come back at three-thirty or three-forty-five. Then the Quran time ran from four to eight. It was a hard time for them. After eight, if they had homework, they did it. I replaced my farm time with my father by Quran time at the institute with my children, but I applied the same rules my father applied to me. They had no time for devices; at the end of the day they were so tired they could hardly keep their eyes open, and they slept immediately. Whatever homework was left, they did after Fajr and before school. This is my system.

My advice

What can I advise people? A few things.

First, we need to appreciate the educational environment they find here. The American educational environment, with its serious approach, is amazing. When we come to the issues, each of us will have his own comments. I am not asking you to do the same; I am only sharing my experience.

I never let my children ride the school bus. Whatever I had on, I stopped to drive them to school. And what do we do on the way, while they are still sleepy? "Habibi, wake up, sleeping time is over, now we have work to do," and we recite the morning adhkar together. They used to recite it with me in the car, starting right away, alhamdulillah, and they still keep doing it. It is maybe ten minutes, or maybe you live within walking distance. If we give them that time, and do it with care, they will keep respecting the words they repeat every single morning.

And when I leave them at school, I say to each one: let the people respect your religion; let the people see the Quran in your face; let them watch your behavior. Just humble advice. Maybe they will not do it, but at least they hear the same words every day.

I drive them to school, and at the end of the day I wait for them at the door and bring them home. In the morning I am the one speaking and directing. At the end of the day they speak and tell me what happened. "How was your day?" And they start: "Oh, this sister, that teacher..." Random words from here and there, a collection of events from everywhere. But I listen, and they have the habit of talking to me. Do you see my point? I am teaching them, and letting them learn, how to talk to their father and mother. Usually we go together and leave everything behind us. What is the benefit? They tell us what they faced, and then we begin to correct the mistakes.

Not immediately, by the way. We keep a note, and after everything has settled, once in a while we give a hint: "Remember last week, when that happened? You were supposed to do one, two, three. Don't miss it this time." That is the best way of educating them in the right direction. Otherwise I am leaving them to the other option while I stay on the beach enjoying my time. You will tell me, "What are you talking about? Are you crazy? I have my work." I am sorry, but there is no excuse. It is either you or the other side. Taking them in the morning, receiving them at the end of the day, and talking to them while they talk to us: they hear from us and we hear from them. This is the beginning of the best relationship ever, and up to today we should sit and listen to each other.

Where I took this from

Where did I get all this? From the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, who used to set aside separate time for children. Even the children on the street: he would speak with a young boy who was playing with a bird, as the narrations tell us.^[1]

And Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, taught us in the Quran how Ibrahim, peace be upon him, spoke with his son, and what level of connection lay between them, until the father put to his son the matter of his slaughter, and the son said, "Yes, father."^[2] He would never have said "yes, father" without a long time of discussion. He trusted his father, and he could never have trusted him without talking to him. When you give your child advice, he is supposed to listen. If he does not trust you, even if the words reach his ears, they will never reach his heart. He will reject them, or receive them from one side and let them out the other. This is the direction, this is the transaction, this is a different way of dealing with each other.

Allah also tells us the story of a father counselling his son.^[3] There is a word for it that I do not know how to translate, but it means something like a lecture. A lecture, but a different kind: one that speaks to the hearts instead of the minds. A lecture in the educational sense starts at this point and ends at that point, with steps: today we are going to talk about so-and-so, the highlights will be one, two, three, four, five, let us cover the first, second, third, and then the conclusion. The counsel of a father is not like that.

Conclusion

The conclusion of my speech for you and me today: give a time for your children. They are the most important thing in our lives. If we lose them, we lose everything. If you have an after-school program here, don't miss it. Let your children come back to the masjid. Even if they gain only a little from the Quran, they will come back with tranquility. They will come back affected by the masjid, with the taste of sujud. The imam, or the sheikh, or the teacher, or whoever is dealing with them, will say words of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to them, and they will have that environment.

I don't want to take long, but please give time to your children. Don't say "I have an excuse." If you lose them, you lose everything. They are more important than your work. Please do something, and do not let them drift away from you.

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: the transcript is garbled here ("a young man... play with the bird... Abu... asked him about the ..."). It may refer to the narration of the Prophet ﷺ speaking with a young boy about his bird; the article keeps only what is clear, and no source is asserted. ^[2]: Editor's documentation: the speaker's words are unclear ("Iam"); the context (a son asked to be slaughtered, "yes, dad") points to Ibrahim and Isma'il, peace be upon them. The reference is to Surat As-Saffat (37:102). The speaker's wording ("the dad asking his son to slaughter him") was reversed in speech; the article states it neutrally. ^[3]: Editor's documentation: the name is missing in the transcript, and the Arabic word the speaker could not translate is likewise lost. It likely refers to Luqman's counsel to his son and the word "maw'iza"; this is not certain.