The Comfort Zone: When Home Stops Being a Refuge

Occasion: transcript of an Isha reflection delivered at Bayt Al-Karim Islamic Center on August 5, 2026.Source: transcript of a recorded reflection by Dr. Ahmed AbouSeif, watch the original video on YouTube

Last time we began talking about the comfort zone. Do you remember? Today we move to the place that is supposed to be the greatest comfort zone of all: home. It is a big subject, and we will come back to it more than once. Earlier we spoke about the family, and we have all met young people who describe home as the worst place there is.

Why young people do not feel the weight of the home

Often they do not carry any sense of responsibility, of fatherhood or motherhood, or of what it takes to run a house. Home is a guaranteed place to them. They do not think about consequences. If they leave a light on, they simply walk past it. They do not think about what is going on around them, because they feel they own the place by default. They never paid for it.

But if we do not understand their mentality, we pile accusations on them: you did not do this, you made that mistake. That is my tongue, my way of expressing their mistakes. I only want to share an experience here.

How many of us have tried handing a child of fifteen or sixteen the responsibility for the home's expenses for one month? Say a fixed sum, whatever you can spare: it is in your hand, do what you like with it. I will take care of the main matters, the bills. I want the electricity to stay on. But for food, I did this myself once. In the first months we lost everything. We ate well up to the tenth of the month, and then the money was gone. I insisted on keeping to the same arrangement and did not add a cent until the end of the month. Everyone at home suffered, and they came to blame the one in charge. It did not matter whether it was my daughter or my son. I had told that child: this is your responsibility this month, take care of us, here is the money. Even if you lose it, we lose it together.

After a few months, alhamdulillah, I saw good results. I no longer found a single light left on, because that child knew he or she would be questioned: the electricity bill came this month with this amount, why? And they had to answer. Giving our children responsibility makes them feel that this is their home.

"It is not your home"

I heard a story. A mother came and told me that her son had invited his friends home. He told them, "My mom is a good cook, she will make you a meal, will you come?" They said, "Why not?" and they came. The father arrived that day angry about something at work, we do not know what. When he saw the boys with his son, high school students, his anger grew. "Why did you bring these people here?" The son said, "Dad, I just invited them to my home." The father answered: "It is not your home. It is my home."

The son forgot everything else, but he kept that sentence. He could not get it out of his mind. When he reached eighteen he was still carrying it, and he began to say: I need a home of my own, I am leaving. After that, my dear brother, no convincing works. It is done, and it was one word.

Sometimes a father calls his child ugly, or dumb, or says, "what a bad person I have here." Why would you wish for such a son or daughter, if what they hear is that? And when they compare themselves with others and see others as better than themselves in your eyes, they begin to cut the relationship between you and them. On paper I stay the father, but the relationship between hearts is broken. And who broke it? I did. Am I proud of myself? Wow, I did a good job: out of one moment of anger, one moment of lost awareness, I lost my relationship with my children.

Sometimes they watch me and my wife quarrel, raising our voices, sometimes using bad words. What are we teaching them? And what relationship can remain between them and us if we do not have a good relationship between ourselves, in front of them?

One second before the word

The only thing I ask of myself and of everyone here is this: before saying something, stop for one minute, one second, and think about the words that are about to come out. I do not want to give words as a mere reaction to an action coming from someone else.

Expectations, and duties before rights

One of the main problems everywhere is a small word: expectation. What do you expect from the other side? Nobody thinks about what the other side expects from him. I expect my wife to cook, to prepare, to teach, to give a ride, and she does all of that. When she falls short in one of these things, I come asking why she did not do it. But I never ask myself why I did not do my part. Her expectation of me is to give and to provide whatever I have, and when I fall short she attacks me. Neither of us asks himself: what are my duties before my rights? Do you agree? Am I right in this? Small points, small issues, small words cause big problems, and sometimes they destroy homes.

The question to take home

Instead of being a comfort zone, a place of release where we say, "Alhamdulillah, I am back home," some of us say, "Oh my god, five minutes and I will be at home already." Which feeling do we need to have? How can we rebuild the relationship between us and the others at home? Think about that.