Balance in the Home

Occasion: A transcription of a lecture delivered on December 12, 2017Source: A transcription of a video lecture by Dr. Ahmed Abouseif — Watch the original video on YouTube

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings upon His Messenger, our master and our Prophet Muhammad, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, his family, and his Companions, with abundant peace. O Allah, we ask You for pardon and well-being in our religion, our worldly life, and our Hereafter, and we ask You, our Lord, to make us content with what You make Your righteous servants content with. O Allah, we ask You to make this gathering of ours a blessed gathering, and to make our dispersal after it a protected dispersal, and not to leave among us, or of us, or between us anyone wretched or deprived, through Your mercy, O Lord of the worlds.

Now then, as we announced, our meeting today includes a number of segments. The first segment is: How was the Prophet ﷺ in serving his family? This is a matter we need to pause at, in order to bring a kind of balance into our homes.

It is not hidden from you, ladies and gentlemen, how many problems there are in homes between men and women, and how many problems lead to the corruption of homes, or more precisely to their ruin. What follows directly from the ruin of these homes is the loss of offspring, the loss of the next generation. A father and a mother disagree, so the home is dissolved or collapses, and the children go off to the street. Then we claim: No, I will visit them every two weeks. No, I will see them every three months for five minutes. I will check on them every now and then, I will not abandon them, and I will provide for them. All of this talk counts as though it were nothing; because the thoroughly natural thing is for the boy or the girl to grow up between two wings that fly together and carry this body between them, and these two wings are the father and the mother; the two of them speak to one another, the two of them cooperate, and on that basis the complementarity comes about that helps in raising these children.

Why Do We Need Balance?

Why do we need to achieve balance in our homes? For a set of goals. The first is that you be psychologically settled. A constant state of anxiety in the home leaves both parties psychologically unsettled, and as a result there is a defect in life, and when a person senses the defect, he cannot even perform his prayer. When a woman cooks, her cooking is not as usual; when she speaks with the children, the nature and manner are not as usual; even when she handles her household spending, she handles it unusually. So the loss of psychological steadiness, or psychological balance, or tranquility within the home is a matter that affects every field, even the field of knowledge and worship.

And from here we move on to the future, to our health. When a person lives a settled life, even a relatively settled one, he finds before him, as we say, a sound body and a long future, by the permission of Allah, Blessed and Exalted. Or shall we say that from the sheer amount of pressure at home, diabetes came to her and blood pressure came to her and she became worn out and ill and so on? Allahu akbar! Am I building or demolishing? Am I healing or sickening? What exactly am I making? The matter of balance within homes is an important one, and we can present the true model in it through the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him.

"He Used to Be Occupied in the Service of His Family"

"The Prophet ﷺ was in the service of his family": this sentence is conveyed to us by the Mother of the Believers ʿĀ'ishah, may Allah the Almighty be pleased with her, as she speaks about the guidance of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ in his home. Imam al-Bukhārī, may Allah the Almighty have mercy on him, relates to us from ʿĀ'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, that she was asked: What did he ﷺ do in his home? She said the following: «كان يكون في مهنة أهله» (he used to be occupied in the service of his family), that is, in their service, «فإذا حضرت الصلاة خرج إلى الصلاة» (and when the prayer came, he went out to the prayer).^[1] If I stand with this hadith alone, I will find that I have two things the Prophet ﷺ does in Lady ʿĀ'ishah's description.

But before we continue, I want to keep in mind whom I am speaking about: I am speaking about the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him. He is a prophet, so he is occupied with the matter of revelation, occupied with conveying the message, occupied with the call, occupied with admonishing people, occupied with finding faith-based solutions for these souls. That is one side. The second side is that he is a chief executive within the state, or within the community, within the Muslim society. Whoever wanted a job came knocking at his door, whoever had a problem at work came knocking at his door, whoever had a problem arise between himself and his neighbor came knocking at his door, and he solves all of these problems. So we took the first side, the side of the call, and we took the second side, the executive side; let us take the other social sides, his visits ﷺ, and his handling of the conditions of the people around him. So do we deal with the Prophet ﷺ as a head of state, or do we deal with him as a preacher burdened with the problem of the call?

Let us talk about the preacher's side a bit more. Imagine that we have finished the Isha prayer and I have an appointment with so-and-so, so I go with him to his home because he has a problem with his wife, and we keep sitting with these people for about four or five hours, just to solve a small problem, not a big one; if it were big it would take twenty or thirty hours with us spread over various times, but this is only a small problem in a single day. So we prayed Fajr and started our work all day until the Isha prayer, and after the Isha prayer we went to the brother to talk with him and talk with his wife, and we finished talking after four or five hours, so I entered our house at a late hour of the night. And I say: Peace be upon you, boy! Is anyone here in the house, or are the people asleep? Because we left them asleep in the morning and came back to them asleep.

And you are speaking of an imam in a mosque in the midst of a community, which counts for nothing in the midst of the world, and yet he is occupied to this degree and at this level. So if we speak about the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, as he founds a Muslim state, founds a Muslim community, founds an Islamic world, then we are speaking about a greater workload, and yet with all of that the Prophet ﷺ was in the service of his family.

From the Prophet ﷺ to the Husband: The Difference in Capacities

Why did I mention the first side? Send blessings upon the Prophet. I mentioned it because the first side that I pictured of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, I want you, too, to picture of your husband, allowing for the difference in capacities. The Prophet ﷺ is supplied by his Lord with well-being from Him, and aided with special help. As for us, we are a place of testing and trial in life; I am a human being with limited health, with known illnesses, with limited effort, as is the case with every one of the children of Adam.

Two Eyes That Look With Mercy

So picture what responsibilities are entrusted to your husband. You say: And what does he do, I mean? He goes to the shop in the morning and comes at the end of the day, what does he do, I mean? No, never mind, let us close this matter of "what does he do." Let us go to the customers who came in on him: how many of them did he anger today, how many tried to steal from behind his back without his noticing, how many did not bring the money they owed, how many did not sell the goods on time, and other such things. Then you put all of this talk in one pan of the scale and say: That's it, my husband, we throw him away here.

And now come, let us look at the woman who is at home, because we are going to throw her away somewhere too. He says to her: What do you do, I mean? You are sitting at home all day long! What did you do? What's new? I left the house in the morning and came back and found it just as it was. So we say to him: Yes, you really found it as it was, as you left it in the morning, because she rebuilt the structure of this house all over again. While she washes the dishes or stacks them, and makes the food, and buys the needs, and focuses on the children's needs, and looks after who is sick and who is well, and does this and that and that and that. All this talk. I am in my world, and you, madam, are in your world, and when we come to meet, our view of one another is what governs how we will meet.

So if I see her as doing nothing, and wasting her time in empty talk, and wasting my allowance, and spending more than necessary, a spendthrift woman, and I say: What got me into this predicament? Shame on me, why did I marry this wife? What kind of woman is this? And she sees: What kind of man is this? No cooperation, he doesn't look at us, he does I don't know what. So when we come to look at each other, the eyes will meet in whatever sort of scene. But if I am coming back and saying: O Lord, may Allah help my wife with what is in her hands in the whole of the house, and she says: May Allah help my husband with what he left behind him when he came home, then the look of the eyes toward one another is different. If this picture takes shape at the outset, I find myself living a relatively balanced life in which each party appreciates the efforts of the other party. Do we agree up to here? Send blessings upon the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him.

So the Prophet ﷺ was in the service of his family, and when the prayer came, he went out to the prayer. At the outset we distinguish between two kinds of work: work inside the home and work outside the home, and each of them has its responsibilities.

A Common Denominator Between Inside and Outside

We were talking a few days ago with a group of friends about children's behavior, and how our children in particular turn out in the society we live in: if the boy goes to school he is one personality, and when he comes home he is a completely different personality. So how can we address this problem? This was a question put on the floor for discussion, and one of our brothers, may Allah honor him, was saying: By Allah, I sometimes fear that I will find in them a split personality, "schizophrenia." The boy is one personality at school and in American society, and a completely different personality at home and in the mosque; he comes to you in the mosque with the utmost manners and modesty, mā shā' Allah, his eyes on the ground, he gets up and makes ablution and prays, until you feel that he is ﴿قَانِتًا لِّلَّهِ حَنِيفًا﴾ (devoutly obedient to Allah, upright), a Muslim, piety almost flying from his eyes. And the moment he leaves the house he becomes something completely different. So how can I place the common denominator in the psychology of this child: My dear, I am a Muslim by my very nature, I lower my gaze except toward what is forbidden? Understand this. At home he does not look at an indecent scene in a film, or sit watching a series or the like, and then pretend good manners and close his eyes; and if you want him to close his eyes, then let that happen there too, not because he does not take part with people, rather he does take part with them, but he knows that side within himself.^[2]

And this is the point we were talking about a little while ago: the matter of mixing between men and women. The shaykh is sitting giving the lesson, speaking with a group of sisters: Is this talk forbidden or permissible? Look at the position of the Prophet ﷺ, the personality the Messenger of Allah ﷺ presented to us as he goes to the gathering of women and says: «يا معشر النساء، اتقين الله...» (O company of women, be mindful of Allah…), and he speaks with his female Companions, may the pleasure of Allah the Almighty be upon them all, and each one of them looks at the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, to learn from him; they learn from his bearing, and they describe his state ﷺ, and he ﷺ lowers his gaze, knows the limits of his looking, and conducts himself in the midst of people. So in addition to the balanced personality I want to build, if I assess the state of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, how he is outside and how he is inside, outside the home and inside the home, I find a shared portion of principles and character.

I have a shared portion of principles between principles and character, and what is it? Cooperation, for example. Outside the home and inside the home. Today I came in from outside and found these tables we are sitting at thrown in the street, and I have no problem at all, because I have a principle called the principle of cooperation, so I got up, carried one and brought it inside. And this is also what makes me carry a plate as I go into the kitchen; it is the same mindset that makes me do this here and do this there.

Now if I have someone who has grown used to his mother doing everything for him, raised that way, who has never in his life known how to do this thing, but he is very good at, say, online marketing, for example. I am not speaking about any particular person, I did not bring up his name, and since we are looking for the bride we want to speak about him with kind words, that's it, may Allah bless you in him. Send blessings upon the guidance of the bearer of glad tidings. So if I have a son I raised this way, in this pattern, inside that home, and that's his nature, then when he comes to marry, it is a matter of trustworthiness that I say to the girl whom I am going to ask for from her noble family's home: My daughter, this boy is like this by nature, so what do you think of the matter? Then she says: Well, yes, I agree, for the sake of these eyes, or she says: No, I cannot deal with this. So we come and say to him: Uncle, please, are you able, my son, to cooperate in this way or not? And that should be from the start, and Muslims are bound by their conditions in this matter.

And there is a very big difference between your husband saying to you: Please pass me the cup of tea, because he is returning from work tired at the end of the day, wants to throw his body on the sofa and rest a little, so he says to you: pass me, or give me; and between his sitting with one leg over the other all day long in front of the television eating what you call "couch potato", that is what you call it, sitting like that, the height of sweetness, "lazy boy," meaning a lazy boy. So there is a very big difference between a personality who says: please give me, because he, too, gives in another area, please pass me, because he passes in another area; and one who sits like that wanting people to work as servants under his hands. A very big difference between the two personalities. There is a husband sitting relaxed and happy, today is a day off and they are at ease, and he says to his wife: give me and pass me, not in the language of command that carries enslavement, but in the language of command that carries love, warmth, friendship, and a spirit of ease. A very big difference between the two personalities.

"It Equals All of That"

And when I speak of the wife who passes things to her sons and passes to her daughters and passes to her husband, and her father-in-law or mother-in-law if present, and I don't know what, the wife who does all of this: from where does she take care of herself? I say to her: Come, if these are your circumstances and you are seeking reward with Allah, glory be to Him, the Almighty, then come and look at the reward that Allah has given you in the Hereafter in the presence of Allah, Blessed and Exalted. When one of the female Companions of the Prophet ﷺ comes to him and says to him: O Messenger of Allah, men have been favored over us. He says to her: How have they been favored? She says: O Messenger of Allah, men have very many fields through which they can obtain reward. He says to her: What do you mean? She says: O Messenger of Allah, they go out in jihad with you, and they attend congregational prayers with you, and they do such and such, and she enumerates for the men. The Prophet ﷺ says to her: «ألا إن طاعة إحداكن لزوجها تعدل ذلك كله» (Indeed, the obedience of one of you to her husband equals all of that).^[3]

Our dear sisters, some of them took the words and were very upset by them. Why are you upset, ma'am? She said: You now want to subjugate us under the hands of men, and you want to make us only servants in the homes, on the pretext that one woman's obedience to her husband will enter her into Paradise! So I say to her: Fine, come let us think about the matter calmly once more. «طاعة إحداكن لزوجها تعدل ذلك كله» (the obedience of one of you to her husband equals all of that) — what is "all of that"? Among it is prayer. So when I asked you to obey your husband, did I say to you: Just obey him, and this obedience will equal everything, even prayer? Or must you pray as well? What do you think? You must pray as well, correct? Fine, excellent. It lists all of that, and did he fast the fasting for himself alone, or will you, madam, fast as well as much as you can? You will fast as well. Fine, excellent. If it were among his duties to spend on his father and mother, is it required of you to spend on your father and mother if you are able? And we were at such and such? And so on. So then what is this obedience that will equal all this reward?

So our friend, through all of this talk, has taken ten. And you, through all of this, apart from the congregations and so on, took eight. And after that, through the obedience from you, you take another ten, so you become how many? Eighteen.^[4] And he is still where? At the poor ten! So who comes out the loser among us? I come out the loser. And therefore he says to me: Fine, what do you think about my also gaining reward if I were dutiful to my mother? So I get up and go and am dutiful to my mother, and when I am dutiful to my mother, where do I arrive? I arrive at the eighteen that my sister took, that my wife took. Right, and the two of us begin to compete over the rest. Can you picture how the equations go?

Qiwāmah: Standing Upon Service

But our brains get jammed when we shut our heads and say: No, the Qur'an said: "qawwāmūn"! Dear friends, let us just understand the matter: what are your conceptions of the word qiwāmah? When we come to speak and say: ﴿الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ﴾ (Men are the maintainers of women by what Allah has favored some of them over others and by what they spend of their wealth),^[5] what are your conceptions of this word? What does the word "qiwāmah" mean?

So the concept of qiwāmah, for some who wanted to dominate: I will give it to her the old way and she will listen, I am the man and she is a woman, and as I command, she does. Fine, agreed, you command, but from what starting point do you command? From the starting point of marital love and the intimate relationship between two spouses who made a covenant in the presence of Allah, glory be to Him, the Almighty, to complete the journey of life and to reach Paradise together? Do you command from that starting point, or from the starting point of the master, and that she must do what you want even against her will? So it makes no difference whether she is ill or sick or complaining or busy, what matters is that she carries out the orders. Which direction are you going in? If I go in the first direction, I will carry you, too, on my head and say to you: I respect you and I respect your wife; but if you walk in the other direction, then I say to you: Come.^[6]

So the word "qawwām" required here is from "qiyām": standing upon the service of this home. The Prophet ﷺ says — send blessings upon the guide, the bearer of glad tidings — «كلكم راعٍ وكلكم مسؤول عن رعيته» (Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock).^[7] Let us just take this detail: how did the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, detail it? How did the Prophet ﷺ detail the matter? He said to me: We will make specializations. What, dear friends? Specializations. The first specialization: the man is a shepherd over his household. So the man remains responsible for what? For the persons who are there, so the man is responsible for persons, responsible for human entities.

And someone would say to you: With us in Upper Egypt, in Egypt, the men eat first. This talk is old, of course, the men eat first, then what remains of the food on the tray goes to whom? To the womenfolk. — No, do you have this talk with you? You caught something of it, you don't have this talk, fine, praise be to Allah. — So in some places this is what happened, and the other said to him: What do you think, I mean? He said: I think this is the utmost insult. He said to him: So the woman with you is the last to eat? He said: Yes, because the men eat, then the children, of course, then... then who? The woman. He said to him: So with you the woman is the last to eat? He said: Yes. He said to him: Fine, excellent. If a raid attacked your town, who goes out to meet it first? He said to him: We, the men. He said to him: Listen, do you know what a raid means? It means spears and swords and blows and stabbings and clashing, and the possibility of death. So who goes out first? Doesn't the woman, who is not needed, go out? He said to him: No, she is my honor, she is my dignity. He said to him: Ah, you see! So in the matter of food you said to her: Please be the last, while in death you said: I am the first. Do you see how the equation goes with some of them, even in the pictures?^[8]

But when we take the images, the husks, and we pull out this bit like that and put it on the media, it is said: Islam insults women, and women with us are despised and have no place or standing! No, rather I may lose my life in order to protect my honor. Who can enter my home and look upon my sanctities and my women? Hm, what do you think? You, madam, are standing all day in the kitchen making dinner, why? Because so-and-so came with the shaykh and a group of young men; all day long you are the one working, but when the food comes it is served. You do not appear before the people, and no one dares come near your kitchen, nor do these people have their bathroom, please wash your hand outside there, here is the women's area. Is this talk a kind of confinement, or the old Jāhiliyyah, or protection and safeguarding? Oh my, friends! Fine, will someone say anything to me? Will someone take notice of me, I mean? Will someone say to me: Thank you, uncle, did you do something? May Allah reward you with good? And of course we have the supplication of the shaykhs when they go to lunch anywhere — you know it, no, we are the only ones who know it — so what do we say? The man gets up and supplicates and says: O Allah, replace for the one who gave, and bless the hand of the one who worked, and provide us with another meal quickly, quickly, quickly, so that we may eat again. Fine, in the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

The Home Is Not a Second Office

So the Prophet ﷺ was in the service of his family, and in his prayer. When is he in the service of his family? When he is in his home. Fine, and at the same time I am present at home, having come home, and I have not finished my work yet, and am still working on a research piece, or a practical paper, or such, whatever the wording that expresses the matter. Someone asked me an important question and I must answer him within half an hour, so I said: Instead of sitting here in the room while the world is dark at night and the area is cut off, let me go sit among my children and finish my work. So I came in from outside: Peace be upon you, everyone, and I took my laptop and sat in a corner like this. Then our lady says to me: Haven't you stopped working? Do you have nothing behind you but this thing in your hand? Won't you look at us a little, the kids, and I don't know what. Fine, madam, please, can we balance between this state and the state where I was outside watching a film and I come home to finish it at home, and leave my children banging their heads against the wall? Are the two pictures identical?

I have encountered many problems for this reason: that some people do most of their work on this computer, so when he goes to his home — I imagine, for instance, that he has not yet finished his marketing operation, he buys goods, and after that he goes home, oh, someone speaks with him on the phone and says to him: There is a deal at such and such a place that you can book online, the thing that is necessary. So he comes in from outside: Peace be upon you, ma'am, how are you, someone give me a paper and pen, boy. And he sat there so and so and so. But the matter of searching for the best deal took another two hours from him. I have been sitting at home for twelve hours and you are outside, and you come to finish here with me, why? And we open a "muwashshaḥ" — we lose the deal he is making and we spoil things, and we do not spend a good time together, and everything is ruined at the same time.

Two Pages, Not One

I do not want to arrive at anything in particular. Define what your husband is: is he a respectable person or not? Is he a person mindful of Allah or a wicked person? Is he a believing person or a disbeliever? Is he a person who prays or does not pray? Does he drink wine, we seek refuge in Allah? What is he? Put that like this in the frame. Then what remains with us? Where did we agree, madam, may Allah honor you, calmly like this? Go to the page in front of your face, you know the page in this white notebook, so sit and write: This is a good and polite man, and I don't know what, and he spends on the house and does such and such, but he is late at work, but when he picks up the phone I don't know what he does, because such and such. So put down an assessment. Then go to the page before it and write for yourself, too. Of course you will find that your own assessment is very high? I am sure it is not, of course not, because no one in the world has been decreed perfection by Allah the Almighty; absolute perfection belongs to Allah, Mighty and Majestic, and human perfection to the prophets and messengers. The matter is entirely clear: everyone other than that, the matter is that I am a son of Adam and I am a human being, I have positives and I have negatives, and I improve what I can as far as I am able.^[9]

But the question remains for my dear sisters: What is the action plan in your mind so that you can develop the affairs of the home and develop the conditions of these people? I mean, for example: today is a day off, and we are sitting together, so I get up and bring out a problem for my husband, or bring out a problem for my wife, a bit like this: Do you see the spider in this? And you are neglectful people and you don't clean and I don't know what. So I spoiled the day off for myself, and spoiled it for my wife, and spoiled it for the kids. What do you think of this idea? Did I actually do that to save money, so we won't go out to eat lunch outside? "It's smart," yes, but unfortunately yes, we have truly lost out. True, and unfortunately I took my sin through this business because my intention is not sound.

And if you, too, madam, say: Do we have to go to the place? Isn't it every time, you always do like this, and we go out anyway in the same mess in which we go out! So you spoiled his mood, and spoiled his morale, and spoiled the day for the children, and spoiled the whole world, and you meant only a couple of words. Why does this talk happen? Fine, if I have a defect in the man's life and his behavior, and he is busy day and night in this way, and I have a day that I can use in some way...^[10]

Ihtisāb: What Are You Expecting?

You know, our dear sisters, in the name of Allah, the Guide, O Lord of the worlds, we have a concept absent from ninety percent of Muslim homes called iḥtisāb. What is the meaning of iḥtisāb? That I count what I do as being for Allah, glory be to Him, the Almighty. Agreed?

So now the boy I have came to me, or the two boys, or the three, or the four, or the five, whatever the number is, and you, madam, see yourself humiliated in the service of these kids, and very tired, and your time all lost, and your health is being lost, and so on, and then at the end of the day, no one even comes and says to you: Thank you. I will ask a question, then: Madam, when you did all this, did you do it for "thank you"? Or because you are waiting for the kids to repay the favor? Or because you are waiting for your husband not to marry another woman over you? Or are you waiting for our Lord, glory be to Him, the Almighty, to preserve for you this whole system and also give you reward? Where are you looking? Am I looking beneath my shoe, under my foot only? Or am I looking at the level of the children's heads? Or did I rise up like this and look into my husband's eyes and say: Is this the hope awaiting me? Or was I greater than all these people, so I raised my eyes to the sky and looked at it, and begged Allah, Blessed and Exalted, for bounty? What do I do and where exactly do I go? This is the system.

None of us in the whole of life feels at ease. I look at the car in the street and wish I could ride one like it, wow, the wish of my life! And I have another in the same... I am not content, that's it, not content, I am very, very tired, sad, the whole problem of my life is to change this car. At the same time there is another who rides a bicycle and goes a distance as long as the one I go by car, and wishes that there were in the world a creature with four wheels that he could ride, whatever its type, and whatever its manner. And there is a third who looks at the bicycle owner and says to him: Wow, this takes you at five kilometers an hour? I walk on my feet. And there is a fourth or fifth who looks at our friend who walks and says to him: Oh, you walk this whole distance? My feet have rheumatism. And there is a fifth who looks at the one with rheumatism because his feet are actually cut off. Can you picture how the matter goes?

So knock on the neighbors' houses — all of us have neighbors, right? — knock on the houses of the whole town you live in, and ask every house, and say to it: Are you comfortable in your life, happy, content, is nothing lacking for you or not? You will not find a single human being in the whole world who has no complaint. The difference between people is that the complaint of the believers differs in kind and amount from the complaint of the non-believers. So I consider that the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, used to complain to Allah, glory be to Him, the Almighty: «اللهم إني أشكو إليك ضعف قوتي، وقلة حيلتي، وهواني على الناس» (O Allah, to You I complain of the weakness of my strength, the scarcity of my means, and my lowliness before people).^[11] This is a supplication, and this is a complaint, but a complaint in its proper place in the presence of the One to whom it deserves to be made, and a complaint about what? Not because he is tired or returning beaten from the journey he was on, no, but a complaint because he is afraid for the people around him that they have not yet believed and have not reached the path of salvation. Here is the difference between these and those.

So there is one who complains because the money is not enough, and he wants to increase the pennies a little and wants to take a trip, where to go and where to head. And there is one who complains because he barely wants to complete his children's tuition payments. And there is one who complains because he wants to change his shoes because he has had them on his feet for ten years. And there is one who complains because he wants to cover his nakedness, does not want to be exposed before people with his clothes patched. And there is one who complains so that our Lord will have mercy on him from the cold he is in, the people in the shelters, and the refugees at the borders. The conditions differ, and people's complaints differ.

And by the decree of Allah, glory be to Him, the Almighty, through our work sometimes, we sit with very rich people, who speak about six figures and seven figures, and this big talk beside the thousand, I mean beside the one, so when we sit with the people: How are you? He says to you: By Allah, Shaykh, I am very tired, and such-and-such goods are late. So you feel he is speaking in the same tone of worry. Then we go to his wife and ask her: What do you think of life? She says to you: By Allah, the whole of life is boredom, and I don't know what to do, and I am very, very tired. This maid has worn me out, and this houseboy has bored me to the extreme, and this car driver is a dull boy, I sit calling him more than three minutes until he answers me. Oh my dear, poor thing, my eyes! You feel you will cry as you feel sorry for her: Madam, this one is truly poor! What is this, ma'am? All this luxury that you are in! And it shows that in the human soul: there is no contentment.

And therefore we must understand what the essentials are that we need in our lives. Our master the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, when he was tired and wanted to rest, what did he do? He would say to Bilāl: «أرِحنا بها يا بلال» (Give us rest through it, O Bilāl).^[12] Rest through what? Through prayer. So I am very tired? Two rak'ahs in the depth of the night, Allahu akbar, I prayed and I rested. Very tired, and driving, and under pressure, and distressed, and the world... so I get up and put on istighfār: I seek Allah's forgiveness, I seek Allah's forgiveness, I seek Allah's forgiveness. Feel as though you are pouring everything inside you into istighfār; by it you repel the rancor of Satan, you repel the rancor of the self, you repel everything that harms you. And then you are seeking Allah's forgiveness, and after a little you feel ease and tranquility and good settledness, and you feel that you have returned once more loving the life you are living, and you feel that again you need to go home and see the people you left feeling fed up or distressed with, and so on in that regard. I ask Allah, Blessed and Exalted, for blessing for us and for you, O Lord of the worlds.

The Key Is in the Woman's Hand

The Prophet ﷺ was in the service of his family, but before we call upon the men to do what we ask of them, we must also appeal to ourselves to give what we are able of the mercy that the Lord of the worlds, glory be to Him, the Almighty, sought within Muslim homes. And the first pivot point in it is with the lady, with the woman. You say to me: You always burden them! So I say to you: This is an honor for you; you are the one who holds the key, you are the one who can bring the good in, and you are the one who can keep the good out, you are the one who can understand the situation.

His head, what shall I say? I say: like the "old ṣarmah," going in, going in.^[13] His head has numbers in it, and problems, and cases, and there is a problem with the mosque and the shaykh, and so-and-so annoys us, I don't know what's going on, and the administration, I don't know what it did, and there is work, I don't know, and the business is such and such, and the numbers. This head is tired and tied up. And you, madam, at home, you too have your problems and your needs. But glory be to the Almighty, Allah, glory be to Him, the Almighty, "خلق لكم من أنفسكم" (created for you from yourselves), so that what?^[14] Then who will give the man tranquility, and who is the dwelling? Imagine, madam, that you are the four walls and the ceiling and the heating and the air-conditioning, that you are the source such that once he enters our place he finds with us all this ease that should be there. Glory be to the One in whose hand is dominion, and He is over all things Able.

I ask Allah, glory be to Him, the Almighty, to bless us in this place and in this gathering. O Allah, amen.

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: Narrated by al-Bukhārī. ^[2]: Editor's documentation: The lecturer's wording in this passage is disjointed in the transcript, and the general meaning is what is established from it: that the Muslim be the same person inside the home and outside it, especially in lowering the gaze. And ﴿قَانِتًا لِّلَّهِ حَنِيفًا﴾ is a Qur'anic phrase that appears in the description of Ibrāhīm, peace be upon him, in Sūrat al-Naḥl 120, and the lecturer used it as a description of the boy. ^[3]: Editor's documentation: This meaning is narrated from the hadith of Asmā' bint Yazīd (may Allah be pleased with her) in al-Bayhaqī's Shuʿab al-Īmān, and there is weakness in its chain; the lecturer did not attribute the hadith and did not name the female Companion, and its wording in the lecture is conveyed by meaning; so its documentation should be checked before it is cited. ^[4]: Editor's documentation: The numbers (ten, eight, and eighteen) are by way of illustration, and they are somewhat disjointed in the transcript; the lecturer uses them to illustrate the equation of reward between the spouses. And the phrase "he says to me: What do you think about my also gaining reward if I were dutiful to my mother" is unclear in the transcript as to who the speaker is, and what agrees with the context has been established from it. ^[5]: Editor's documentation: The verse is from Sūrat al-Nisā' 34, and the lecturer did not mention its location. ^[6]: Editor's documentation: The phrase "if you walk in the other direction, I say to you: Come" is disjointed in the transcript, and only its apparent meaning has been established. ^[7]: Editor's documentation: Agreed upon. ^[8]: Editor's documentation: The rest of the dialogue is taken from the lecturer's story, and its wording in the transcript is muddled; its last phrases include what allows two readings in identifying the speaker, so what agrees with the context of the story has been adopted. ^[9]: Editor's documentation: The assessment phrase (how many marks the woman gets) and the numbers in it are disjointed in the transcript, so its numbers have not been recorded. ^[10]: Editor's documentation: The speech breaks off here in the transcript without completing the thought, and then the lecturer moves to the concept of iḥtisāb. ^[11]: Editor's documentation: This supplication is narrated as one of his supplications ﷺ at al-Ṭā'if, mentioned by the biographers, and there is weakness in its chain, and the lecturer did not attribute it; and the lecturer stated it in categorical terms as a complaint to Allah. ^[12]: Editor's documentation: Narrated by Abū Dāwūd with the wording «يا بلال، أقم الصلاة أرحنا بها» (O Bilāl, call the iqāmah for the prayer, give us rest through it). ^[13]: Editor's documentation: "Al-ṣarmah" in Egyptian colloquial is a shoe, and the intent of the comparison is not fully clear in the transcript; its apparent indication is the frequency of going back and forth. ^[14]: Editor's documentation: The lecturer did not recite the verse in full; it is the saying of the Almighty: ﴿وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً﴾ [الروم: ٢١] (And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy) [Sūrat al-Rūm 21].