The Muslim Family: Challenges and Solutions

Occasion: A transcription of a lecture delivered at the Coldwater Mosque in the state of Michigan on July 12, 2024Source: A transcription of a video lecture by Dr. Ahmed Abouseif — Watch the original video on YouTube

May Allah be good to you, be pleased with you, and keep you in goodness, well-being, security, and His good pleasure and generosity. I ask Allah, the Most High, the All-Powerful, to open for us and for you the doors of His mercies, to bestow upon us His outward and inward blessings, to prepare for our souls a good that will set our hearts at ease, to guide our minds and preserve our well-being. O Allah, amen. Now: this is a blessed night in which we're illuminated by the light of these shining faces and radiant smiles. Were it not for the remembrance of Allah, no life of ours would be settled, and were it not for faith, we would sense no meaning to our existence in this world. The safety valve of our life is our religion, nothing else: our religion first and last, before everything, during it and after it, in the beginning and at the end.

The Foundation We Start From

We must establish this foundation before we speak about any kind of problem: what's our reference point? Our reference point is the religion. I've believed in Allah, so what the religion says, we adhere to. The greatest problem in people's lives, the one from which every problem that follows is born, is that a person sets himself up as a rival to Allah, the Mighty and Majestic: Allah says and I say, Allah shows me and I see, Allah commands me and I answer back. I don't say he objects outright, but at the very least he claims to know his own situation better than anyone else. So he's told, "The Prophet said," and he turns arrogant. Arrogance isn't only in speech; it's in deed and in means. This principle applies to men and women alike.

Challenges or Problems?

When we say "The Muslim Family: Challenges and Solutions," I had thought we would be speaking about problems and solutions. Is there a difference between the two words? Yes, a great difference. A challenge means that two are present together, and before them is something they take on; you and I take on so-and-so. Problems, however, don't have this unity or this harmony between us; we aren't on one footing or one line, we're different to begin with, so we take on one another before we take on anyone else. So between many husbands and wives, are there challenges or problems? What do you choose? What you say, we'll go by. You chose problems? Fine, they're the ones who chose.

So what's a problem? A problem, in short, is a word expressing a gap between two parties. The first party may be a husband and the second a wife, or a father and a son, or a male partner and a female partner, or a male neighbor and a female neighbor, or a brother and a brother, or a sister and a sister. A gap in a space that came to exist after the original state had been cohesion and union. We have understood that a problem is a gap that has occurred. So what's the cause of the gap? What led to it? How do we return the original state to its place? All of this will come, but first I want to understand the meaning of "problem." The gap may be psychological: we agree on everything, we cooperate and complement one another, but we aren't at ease with each other, we feel no security, no comfort and no tranquility. Or it may be intellectual: I love you very much, you're my beloved, my neighbor, my brother, you pray beside me, but we differ in viewpoint and can't meet; I love you and I don't agree with you. When these gaps are left alone, they spoil relationships and carve up the common ground, until nothing is left between us.

What Is the Family? A Unit of Mind, Heart and Body

Then what does the family mean? The family is a unit. Pay attention to the definition: what does "unit" mean? A group of things that came together to form one thing, that complemented one another until they became one thing. This phone, for example, is a unit: it has the screen, the internal board, the SIM card and so on, all gathered to be one thing. That's why we don't say of Allah, glory be to Him, the Exalted, "wāḥid" (one) like the other ones; rather we say "aḥad." What is the difference between wāḥid and aḥad? The aḥad isn't composed of parts. As for the wāḥid, you can say of it a half, a quarter, a fifth; the wāḥid can be divided, while the aḥad can't be. The family is a group of individuals who agreed from the beginning that they would complete one another, so they live together as though they were one thing.

That's why the Lord of the worlds, glory be to Him, the Exalted, when He describes the relationship between husband and wife, describes it as a solemn covenant^[1]. Why did He describe it as a solemn covenant? Because it's a covenant that isn't undone and not severed, on condition that the relationship is built upon the foundation of the word of Allah, Blessed and Exalted. Building relationships on the word of Allah exists among all people: the groom places his hand in the hand of the officiant, and the officiant says to him: on the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger and on the named dowry. Very beautiful words, but many people don't truly bring them into the matter. So I must understand that, in order to make this unit, I bring the man with his mind, heart and body, and I bring the woman with her mind, heart and body, and I place them together.

Look at what goes on in the minds of young people: the moment the words "wedding night" come up, he laughs and is delighted and turns shy, and only one scene comes into his head. We haven't understood that this unity, as it's in the bed, is the same in the kitchen, and at the table, as we talk and eat and drink; it's there as we think about the future and as we raise our children. The unity is the coming together of two minds, the coming together of two hearts, and the coming together of two bodies. Unfortunately, the picture that appears to all people, except those on whom Allah has mercy, in the matter of marriage is only the coming together of the two bodies.

The Prophetic Safeguards Before Approaching

That's why the initial prophetic safeguards were: before you approach the matter, take care while you're still at its threshold. «تُنكَح المرأة لأربع»^[2] ("A woman is married for four things"), and these are the human instincts and psychological motives that may be present: for her wealth, her beauty, her lineage and her religion. So what does the Prophet ﷺ say? «فاظفر بذات الدين» ("So win the one who has religion"). Why? So that the unit may be complete, so that when the woman of religion comes to you, she obeys Allah in you. What does "obeys Allah in you" mean? Is it that you say to her, "Come to bed," and she says, "Right away"? Not that; the matter goes far beyond that. That you come home sour-tempered and loud-voiced and she bears it, this is obeying Allah in you. That today is the end of the month and we've no money, and she's patient, this is obeying Allah in you. That Ahmed comes collecting donations and takes what you have from the community's money, as he's building the mosque, and then takes the two bangles from you, and she still obeys Allah in you. That I've an idea of divorce circling in my head, and she obeys Allah in me at that moment. So the matter isn't a matter of the bed; the matter is that the coming together of these two souls, these two bodies and both minds is what produced this unit.

The Family Is a Large Social Unit

So we've understood that the family is a unit. They call it a social unit, so what does social unit mean? It's the one made up of a group of individuals. Who are these individuals? A husband and a wife at first, but before the husband and wife I've a father of the husband and a mother of the husband, a father of the wife and a mother of the wife, a brother of the husband and a sister of the husband, a brother of the wife and a sister of the wife, and cousins from this side and from that side. So when we marry, are we marrying or holding a celebration? In truth we hold a celebration, and why? Not in order to expose ourselves and show off, but because we're many people, because we're a large number, and because I've a right in my brother's wife, just as my brother has a right in my mother, my son and my sister, and so on for the whole family. This is the unity: that Allah, Blessed and Exalted, brings these parties together so that they represent one entity.

Let's try: the person closest to me in terms of contact, if I need something right now, who is he? My son or my daughter's husband? What do you think? Well, it depends. My daughter's husband is older than my son and wiser than he's, and this is the original and natural state, and he has social relationships, standing and work. So if I speak about some matter, whom do I speak to? I speak to my daughter's husband. As we sit together I don't say to him, "Pass me the glass," for it's the son who performs this task. So the matter is a matter of using the mind in deploying these relationships with one another, and this combination requires understanding and awareness of the dimensions of the kinds of dealings that exist.

What All Humans Share

So far we've arrived at two statements: a problem is a gap between two parties, and the two parties may be two minds that don't understand each other. As for the kinds of problems that exist among all human beings, whether the woman is Italian or American or Afghan or Yemeni or Moroccan or Jordanian or Tunisian or Algerian (and I leave out the Egyptian women so that some ladies don't get angry), find me one of all these who isn't jealous over her husband. Any nationality in the world that has a woman who isn't jealous? There isn't one in the whole universe. Rather she's jealous, and jealousy produces emotional reactions, and it's a praiseworthy thing in a woman, but if it goes beyond its limit it turns into its opposite, and everything that goes beyond its limit turns into its opposite, we agree. Another: find me one on the whole earth who doesn't love adorning herself and strutting, and the original state is that this be in men, that he be jealous over his wife. So we've common denominators among all humans in the original divine creation. That's why, when it's said, "Beware of marrying an American woman, beware of marrying an Italian woman," you're only speaking about the cultural dimension, customs and upbringing, and that's one category; as for the innate category upon which Allah created people, that's another matter, equal among them all.

Disagreement: Different Minds

What kinds of problems exist among all people? The first is disagreement. Why do we not agree? One of them tells me: we don't agree because of the level of cultures; the wife isn't educated at all, and our friend who married her has a doctorate, or she studied geography until she won the Nobel Prize and he works in physics. We always say: look at the kind of mentality you're dealing with. Let's put a single problem before us, and bring a doctor, an engineer and a merchant. The engineer looks at the calculation and sees straight and winding lines. The doctor always looks at the side effects: if we do this, such and such may happen. The merchant says: no, this story will lose us money, stop here, and I'll have five more dollars. Allahu akbar! Why? Because people's mentalities differ. So imagine a merchant married to a woman engineer, who runs the house by pencil and ruler, and this costs him money, so they don't agree. Or a woman doctor, whose nature is to look at the site of the illness and work hard to prescribe the remedy.

The mentality of the doctor, by the way, is very close to the mentality of the shaykh, the imam, if the imam is aware and conscious of the dimensions of his task: that he's a healer of all these people with their differing conditions, illnesses, inclinations and desires. So he deals with the logic of the doctor: he looks at the illnesses, assesses them and treats them. The imam adds one very simple thing, which is reconciling opposing parties, so he's always trying to bring people together. That's why the last decision we may take, and Shaykh Mahmoud bears witness with me, is that we agree with people on divorce. We always try to reconcile between them, make peace and set things right. If they were two partners in a business and it was very difficult, I said to them: dissolve this company and give me some rest, for we don't know how to do anything else. Why? Because my brain was built this way. So imagine that you're dealing between two parties, a husband and a wife, and each has a different head in its orientations, its calculations and the dynamics of work inside it, and in the paths and corridors that move inside the brain; I walk this way and she walks that way. By the way, even if the specializations agree, the mentality of the man must differ from the mentality of the woman.

I don't say this to belittle; I ask Allah to bless us all in our families. But look at our sisters, may Allah honor them: as people say, you find one of them driving the car, eating a sandwich and talking on the phone, while preventing the boy in the back seat from misbehaving, and following everything, even the children at home: you, you got down from the bed, get back up again. She has terrifying faculties, you can hardly understand how this brain works. She's like that at home: she cooks, talks and keeps track. Our respectable friend the man has come into his house returning from work, thank God, so what does he do? He sits on the sofa looking at the television, and she speaks: the boy hit the girl, and the girl bumped into such and such, and we went up and came down. He says: uh-huh. We say to him: what do you think? Uh-huh. Did you listen? Uh-huh. This one doesn't respond, he isn't with us on the matter at all, our friend is up in the air. This is my brain: when I concentrate on my work I'm at my work, and she's talking from the Atlantic Ocean and then moves to the other side.

The Story of the Forty Years

I've a friend, a very good man, very generous, very much a provider, who tells people: for forty years there has been no problem between me and my wife. They said to him: give us an example, how so? He said: I agreed with her from the beginning that the big problems are none of our concern, and the small problems are none of my concern. They said: fine, give an example. He said: the examples of the children: the children ate, the children drank, the children slept, the children washed, the children went to school, entered university, married, divorced, and I've no involvement, small problems. They said: Mashallah, so what are your big topics then? He said: well, the matter of America and Afghanistan, and what do I've to do with that? So our friend isn't here, our friend is in the soft life, taking a side, withdrawn.

The point is that the difference between the two mentalities is something we don't realize. I'm always speaking with my wife imagining that she's with me at the same level, we speak word for word, and the brain is different. I don't raise her status or lower it, I only say: our Lord built this brain in this way and that brain in that way. I know how to deal with numbers, and I deal with people in the street, and I pull and tie and calculate, this is my nature, and my muscles are part of my makeup; as for her, her tenderness is part of her makeup, her quick tear is part of her makeup, her sensitivity is part of her makeup. I want a man, one of the men, to raise his hand and say: I can be patient with a child crying on my shoulder from morning until the end of the day. Are you raising your hand or scratching your head? Young men, you aren't married, so let's be sensible and send blessings upon the Guide. Which of us can be patient with a child who has colic and is crying from morning to the end of the day? We can't. You have your work from morning to the end of the day, then you came and found a child crying, could you stay up with him and then finish your work tomorrow? Our sister can; she spends the whole day in her kitchen going back and forth, then at the end of the day she finds the boy turning right and left, and she stays seated beside him patting, changing, wiping and cleaning, may Allah be pleased with her, until morning, and then she begins her schedule in the morning as usual. What a superhuman ability! How did you do that? I can't.

So men are very weak in some respects and very strong in others, and our sisters are very weak in some respects and very great in others. The problem is that when we deal together I use my points of strength while dealing with the other party as though she had the same points of strength as mine, and if I deal with my points of weakness she should have what I've: no, my dear. The same story applies to her.

The Remedy: Understanding and Patience, Then Temporary Disagreement

So when we say that disagreement is a common denominator in the problems among all human beings, I must see a solution for it. What is the solution? Understanding: that I understand that I've a nature different from the nature of the other party, and that we must respond to these particulars and deal with them with reason. So am I reasonable? No, I go mad, swear by divorce, and say to her: your father and your mother and your aunt and whoever came and went, and on the tongue of some fool of the forefathers whom I don't know what he has to do with it, and I get angry, flare up and jump about. Uncle, calm down, may Allah protect you, calm down, Hajj! If only someone would pat this man. Then our sister gets angry, gathers her things and leaves, and I say: I leave you the house, lady! Stop for a moment, and look at the kids and these components, where are we going? Why is the nearest thing that comes to our minds anger and separation? The sister who works at a job can't do that with her boss at work if he says a word that upset her. Our brother likewise: if a woman at work were with him and made a certain little move, oh, how gentle and soft and sweet-spoken he would be! Get out of this; be patient a little as you're patient at work with the lady over there, be patient at home a little.

So disagreement is a common denominator among all creation, among all husbands and wives, but the difference between people is that there's a sensible person who gathers the scattered parts of this rift and makes it agreement again, and makes the disagreement temporary, not permanent.

The Shades of Separation

The other matter among the common denominators is the matter of separation. Separation is either temporary, or successive, or permanent. So when you're upset at home, what do you do? We stay upset. Then? No, we just go on being upset as usual. When do you meet? It doesn't matter, if Allah wills and we meet after a month or so. The world is ruined like this! So there's what they call marriage with suspended execution, or divorce with suspended execution, which is the silent divorce. Its sign is that the two of us live under one roof: peace be upon you, and upon you be peace, how are you today? Fine, thank God, did you cook? Yes. Very formal treatment, word for word, peace be upon you, and upon you peace, no "and the mercy of Allah and His blessings," that addition isn't there. Fine, give us the household allowance. Right, the money is there. I've such-and-such left. By the way, I went to the doctor today and he said such-and-such. This dry language, why do we deal in language like that of the Saʿīdīs? I'm speaking about the Upper Egyptians in our Egypt, I don't know what you have among you; and what do you call them where you're, the Bedouin? May Allah open things for you.

So we find separation, whether temporary or successive, to be one of the permanent problems, or of the common denominators among all human beings. As for permanent separation, it's that we make the decision: the two don't suit each other and we fear for the children, so we sit together in the house, and even if we don't say the word of divorce, the man knows his room and the woman knows her room, and he sleeps at such-and-such an hour and she sleeps at such-and-such an hour, and we're done without disturbance. Meanwhile, who is the respectable intermediary running between the two parties? Satan. He goes here and calms things a little, and goes there and kindles a little, and drives people mad here, and the world keeps running. He's the winner, and the two of us are burned, and the kids are the losers. So far I'm still speaking only about the problem.

The External Causes: Impressions Drawn Since Childhood

So what are the causes of the problems in all our lives? What makes us differ, whether we failed to agree, or there was a temporary, successive or permanent separation? We have external causes, that's, from outside this marital frame. The first is the impressions drawn in the mind since childhood days. Sometimes a brother and a sister, a husband and a wife, come to me with a problem: a solution, our master. Welcome, you have brought us light, please come in. The first thing I do is give the husband a lovely blank sheet and a nice pen, and I say to him: please, and you too, madam, please, do you know how to read and write? Please, both of you, each of you write for me on this page, front and back, the negatives of the other party and the positives, and be careful, for our Lord sees you, and write with justice and goodness. The two do so, then we collect the two papers and compare: the shared positives and the shared negatives. Sometimes you find a contradiction in the words, and you understand that he's lying. The second step: tell me, madam, about Daddy and Mommy, how were they together in the old days? Tell me about your childhood, when you were three, four, five, nine, thirteen and seventeen, and you began to become a young woman, and then you began to look at a boy walking in the street, and you said I want to marry, and the dreams passed you by. Tell me the history of our life from the beginning until today. You find that Daddy used to beat Mommy with a stick, never mind, or Mommy was obstinate and had the first and last word in the house. So you find very old impressions fixed in the mind of this girl, and when she came to marry she wanted to flex her muscles like Mommy. It isn't right that Mommy walks on one line and the daughter on another line, and then she says: I'm no longer Mommy's daughter.

Our first friend, for example, had a father who was the man of the house, and in our early days when the father said a word, not only the wife heard it but the whole street heard, he said a word and the matter was finished, no discussion. So our friend came with these entitlements, and the sister came with her own mentality too, so each of them wants to flex his muscles over the other. Do you remember what they say in our Egypt? "Slaughter the cat for her on the wedding night." And you have the same among you, for you have all laughed. The last time I went down to Egypt I didn't find one cat in the street, perhaps the brothers did away with them. The point is that each of the two parties comes with prior impressions. Our young men must understand that when you marry a woman you must respect her history that was in her home before she came to you.

That's why, when someone comes to me and says: Shaykh, I want to propose to so-and-so, I say: by Allah, excellent, welcome, are you sure? Do I find you serious or playing? He says: serious, my master. So I say to him: leave us for a bit, and the Shaykh has his own ways by which his own "investigation" runs. So we ask: if the mother runs the house wisely and doesn't muddle things, and the father sits on the sofa from sunset and doesn't speak, is this the nature of the family? I'm joking, may Allah reward you with good.

The point is that before we enter this complex process that will continue with us until the end of life, I must understand the mentality of the other party and where he came from. In conclusion, one word, by Almighty Allah, summed all this up: the Prophet ﷺ said: «تخيّروا لنطفكم، فإن العِرق…»^[3] ("Choose well for your seed, for lineage…"). The Prophet settles the whole matter for you in this saying. What does "choose well for your seed" mean? Choose the one you'll meet one day in your house, and from whom children will come out for you (as it appears from the garbled transcript), because lineage runs deep: the mental inheritance she brought from her father and mother in their house will come with her to this house.

The Mother and the Father: Sincerity Without Understanding the Different Environment

The greater problem is that after we marry and settle and differ and come to see who will go, the mother takes flight from their place and comes to you at the house, whether by phone or by messages or she came herself and honored us and lit up the house: you, beware of letting him do such-and-such, do such-and-such. It must be, my lady, may Allah open things for you, step aside, may Allah be generous to you, let's finish our work together. Likewise the mother or father of the boy, each one wants to impose his control in the manner he wants and knows. So where is the problem? The father and the mother, both parties, are extremely sincere, they're very sincere. So if your son is marrying and you advise him, you aren't betraying him, you're very sincere, but you don't understand that there's a different environment and different natures, and that my son's wife isn't a second copy of my own wife, and that the one who will receive this advice isn't necessarily like that herself. There are different mentalities.

The Society Around Us

Among the external causes also is the society in which we live. We must understand that if I anger my wife and she leaves me and goes to the mosque (and I'm speaking about society in general), her friend at the mosque says to her: you look changed, are you upset about something? No, I'm fine, thank God. No, this is too much, we're friends and we pray together. By Allah, but a little upset. Why? Abu So-and-so did such-and-such. No, this won't do, I with Abu So-and-so with me when he does such-and-such... and she draws her a vague road map. Our sister, may Allah reward her with good, speaks from her own background: she raised her husband and walked him over the dough so he wouldn't muddle it, and not all men are necessarily like the other man, so she walks over the dough and doesn't spoil it. So these are advice from outside, and we're treating a case that isn't our friend's case.

Let me give an example: I've a married daughter. When my daughter's husband speaks with me about any matter, or sometimes we open a conversation, as though there were a problem of some kind, and I raised her and know her character, small and large, and I know everything about my daughter, so I imagine that she could produce this kind of problem, so I say to him: what do you think? Imagine I was surprised today at the mosque that the girl does such and such. If I see that his face has changed, I understand that the girl did this act; and if I see him listening attentively and calmly, I understand that things are covered, thank God. This is a kind we call social intelligence: how you can deal with the other party. If your daughter's husband comes to consult you, we usually say to the girl a very nice word: don't worry, my daughter, I'll marry you to the master of masters. Why does he jump about at you? No, don't worry, you have men behind you. Calm down: behind us are men who cover and don't expose, behind us are men who gather and don't divide, behind us are men who protect and don't humiliate, behind us are men who preserve the straightness of the straight line and don't divide people, behind us are men of mind, not men of arm and bravado, behind us are men of their word^[8], not men who look from where the benefit comes. We have right men, but what kind of men?

The point is that the environment surrounding the two parties is very strongly influential, and accordingly two basic things are required of us, send blessings upon the Guide, the Bearer of glad tidings. The first matter: that we keep reminding people of these principles always, so we've lectures, and Shaykh Mahmoud says: please speak on this topic, and another guest comes and he says to him: speak on the second topic. We want to establish the pillars of the religion in people's hearts and minds so that they remain settled and firm. This is like maintenance for your car: you take it and fix it every so often, change the oil and adjust, and do a full inspection so that it keeps running with you always. So this is maintenance, and the mosque is the place of maintenance.

The other matter is that I teach my daughter and my son that anyone who tells them a piece of advice that divides, they should not listen to it from anyone in the world, even if it's me; and anyone who tells them a piece of advice that unites, they should think about it and not merely hear it, because thinking is the first way to analyze data. Again: does every adviser advise based on his personal experience and expertise, or based on the reality before him? I tell you advice based on my experience, my reality and my brain, I think this way. That's why I say to everyone: let no one seek advice based on my way of thinking, for I'll do such-and-such but you may be different; so compare the advice I said with what you're able to do, because advice may be perfectly right yet unsuited to the personality of the other party, so he can't carry it out.

Accordingly, when we said that there are external causes represented by the family, for example, we advise every mother: fear Allah regarding your daughter, she isn't a copy of you, and her husband isn't like your husband, and the state of affairs with her may not be the state of affairs with you. Be careful, mother of the girl, she has become the wife of my son or of the son of so-and-so. Be careful when you advise your daughter, for praise be to Allah, our Lord completed His favor upon you and your husband is with you until now. What if the mother is herself divorced and her social or marital life is ruined? We take an example from her. I ask Allah that no one be upset with me for what I'm about to say, but in many cases I'm accepting the résumés of women teachers at my school, and by Allah forgive me, if there were one who is divorced and has many problems and her reputation is well known throughout the community, we may not accept her, and we apologize to her that she doesn't continue with us. Why? What she wants to take of money, money is easy. But her presence inside the school, when she has made problems before and is famous, not covered, won't be an element of reform. Is what I say wrong? She won't be an element of reform, because she won't change and leave but will transmit her experiences and her way of working to the others, so they do the same. So we either spoil or we reform. The point is that every adviser must take into account the state of the one advised or the one seeking advice, because people's circumstances differ according to their reality and condition.

The Internal Causes: Clinging to One's Opinion

Among the causes of problems is clinging to one's opinion: me and that's all, my opinion is always the right one. How do we do this? Imagine, for example, that you say to your wife: do it to the right, and she says to you: fine, why not to the left? What do you think about it being to the left? You say to her: no, it's right and that's it. Fine, let's do left, perhaps it will be better. No, it's like this. This is clinging to one's opinion. Our friend sometimes asks for something and wants it now, clinging now, the state now. This is the matter of clinging to opinion in its different forms. So someone says to me: why did you call it clinging to opinion? Perhaps it's sharpness and intelligence, and I really am the one who judges and reasons and my opinion is the right one. I say to you: fine, but the one with the right opinion has openness to hearing others, for the person whose opinion is right always tries to complete his opinion with the opinions of others. Among the problems we've is that we consider the counsel of a woman... even in Egypt we've a proverb that says: "A woman's counsel ruins the house for a year." You know my opinion is right, Dr. Mahmoud. But you're busy, so leave this, dear Hajj. This boy is sitting in front of you too, film well. Send blessings upon the Guide. Confession is half of chivalry.

So the man of sound opinion, we say it again, is always keen to listen to others. I want one of the noble people sitting here to raise his hand, not for a hundred dollars or anything, and say: I'm wiser and more reasonable than the Prophet of Allah Muhammad ﷺ. Can anyone say this sentence? In one of the most severe situations in the life of the Prophet ﷺ, the day of the Treaty of al-Ḥudaybiyah, and I'm sure that all the people know the story, when the Companions were stunned and failed to comply with the command of the Prophet ﷺ. What happened? He entered his tent ﷺ angry that his companions had not heard his words. Imagine that the Companions don't listen to the words of the Prophet and don't respond to him! Imagine the Prophet saying to them: slaughter the sacrificial animals, and they're stunned and don't do it. So the Prophet, peace be upon him, entered his tent angry, and anxious for his companions lest a punishment from Allah strike them for disobeying his command. Who was in the tent? His wife. She said to him: what's wrong? If I had been there I wouldn't have been able to speak: who are you? How do you speak? Be quiet, this is a matter bigger than you, bigger than your size and your abilities and your mind, who brought you here? But our master the Prophet, peace be upon him, tells her what had happened even though the situation was very severe. Then she says to him: shall I not guide you? I add for you that the wife was well-mannered, she didn't say to him: if you had done such-and-such it would have been such-and-such. There is a big difference between saying words to him and saying to him: O Messenger of Allah, are you not among men? Manners, manners. So she says to him: go out to them, and be the first to slaughter your sacrificial animals and the first to shave your head^[4]. The narration didn't tell us that the Prophet ﷺ replied to her. This means he didn't speak at all, but went out and carried it out immediately. Carrying out whose words? The words of his wife, the Mother of the Believers, whom we hold in the highest honor, but in the first and in the last he listened to the words of his wife. Imagine if this happened in the community: so-and-so listened to his wife's words! What a scandal! By Almighty Allah. All of these are earlier accumulations, we don't understand that I've another mind that has the ability to think inside the home, I can hear the other opinion and carry it out, and I can hear it and it completes a part of the thinking even if a tiny bit.

Do you know that in the Sharia there are issues, everything related to the world of women, which we don't understand much about, in which the verdict is given based on the opinion of women, and men have no say in the opinion on it? This isn't our topic. So if a woman gives a ruling on this, her ruling is the decisive and governing one. Some of our sisters take from this matter a superiority, so they dominate, control and overpower, and this is also wrong, and that's wrong. So how can we bring the two parties together?

We've mentioned among the causes of problems the external factors, and the interferences that come down upon us like a tower from above at the sky, whether from neighbors, friends, family or others. I forgot to point to the great scholar and mighty sage, our master social media, Shaykh Google and his followers, supporters and aides, who entered our homes and ruined the whole world. A video once came to me speaking about a man's domination over his wife and that it's wisdom, so I sent it to my friend, and in the speech it said^[10]: be quiet, may Allah open for him, the first adviser to the whole world ruined ten houses. I'm only sitting to amuse myself and send a message: uncle, what do you mean by this?

The point is that we've external causes and we've internal causes, among them clinging to opinion, and here we begin to speak to people about using reason inside homes. The woman who is inside the home still has a mind with which she speaks, and feeling and perception. We know of the greatest situations in which a woman can speak is when she steadies your feelings for you. Sometimes you speak with her while you're on the verge of making a decision, but she has kneaded you and baked you, we've been living together ten years or twenty or thirty or sometimes fifty years, and my fury is such-and-such and I must do such-and-such, and she knows me by heart and says to you: fine, by Allah they deserve it, and you must do such-and-such, but what do you think about us calming down for two days, and then even when we think how we can strike them the perfect blow? She takes me according to the measure of my mind: do you want to bring me down on the… (a word cut off in the transcript)? The point is that her opinion is sometimes based on her knowledge of my personality and my soul, on condition that she too wants good for me.

Psychological Discomfort

Among the causes is the matter of psychological discomfort: people aren't at ease with one another. The reasons that make us uneasy together are partly temporary and partly permanent. As for the temporary, I'm not at ease psychologically today. Why? I came home after a quarrel, I've a problem with Abu So-and-so, or there was a loss at work, or a calamity, or the car crashed, so my mood is changed and I'm not psychologically at ease, so anything you ask of me today I won't agree to. You enter the house and find her not as she usually is, acting like a madwoman. So you go in on her: what's this? Can you not stand yourself? Why are you not collected? Why do you not speak to me respectfully? You must do such-and-such. So we've made a problem. Calm down, sir, be like the clever doctor who feels the pulse, who enters, greets, and probes from behind a curtain. The whole world here is on fire, and the world has a fellow in it: shall I go in, or go back and spend the night with my friends? So we enter: peace be upon you, and upon you peace, let's calm down a little, what's going on? Then we sit and talk, and the reactions tell you what's happening inside the house.

Each one of us knowing his household makes him say: is she rebellious or obedient? One of the big mistakes that I and many fall into is that when a mistake occurs from the other party, I stop at it. Why do I not think that this wife has been with me for twenty-seven years and never did this before? So if she did something new today there must be an external reason, and she isn't necessarily malicious nor has she come from somewhere else; rather something may have happened, so it's wise to understand and be reasonable. The All-Creating, All-Knowing made monthly times for our sisters, and all of us, the nation of "there's no god but Allah," know that when a woman is in such a state her mood changes. I'm one of those people who make no distinction, so I stand on the one: why is your voice loud? I don't know why she's angry. By Allah, may our Lord cover us, and this gathering today is a mess. Someone go and get this video off the internet, brothers! Send blessings upon the Prophet. So mood changes that come over people for various reasons or from sudden circumstances are bearable, and we must understand them.

As for psychological defect or permanent psychological discomfort, it's that both parties are incompatible all along the line, so she doesn't love him, or he doesn't love her; because her father married her off against her will, for example, or he married an ordinary marriage and we entered the house and then I found that this personality doesn't go along with me. Sometimes some people have previous experiences, so he was married before and had a wife whose temperament, character and personality were different and comforted him greatly compared to the other, then something happened and we separated or she died, so he married again, and when he married again he found another personality who doesn't comfort him psychologically. Whatever the reasons for psychological discomfort, people must sit with one another and each say: I'm not compatible with you because of such-and-such. If we're able to bring the matter together, then good and blessing, and if we aren't able, let's respect ourselves from the start and say: thank you, and separate. By Allah this is the very essence of wisdom. I've gone on a long time with you, so forgive me, there's still something left with us, how long do you expect me to go today? Send blessings upon our master the Prophet.

Material and Moral Ambitions

Among the very great causes of disagreement is the matter of material and moral ambitions, the ceiling of ambitions in both the man and the woman. What is the topic of ambitions? This is at the beginning for many of our young men when we come to marry: I want to marry Miss World! Wow, how solid! What do you have to marry on anyway? For example, I want to marry one who has money to such-and-such an amount, and her father is such-and-such. Uncle, calm down a little, where are you going? These are his ambitions in marriage. Then what? She will feed me and give me drink and clothe me and make me comfortable and cheer me and pamper me and do everything, and on top of that she has the feature that she works by remote control, I press the button and she jumps. She too has ambitions: she wants a rich man who makes her comfortable and pampers her and gives her plenty and grants her all these nice things. So I've a ceiling of ambitions from this side, and she has a ceiling of ambitions from that side. Why are you laughing?

The point is that each one is entering a partnership wanting to profit^[9], and none of them says: I want to marry this woman to shield her and spend on her. Pay attention, there's a difference between my being a recipient or one who comes forward, I'm the one who gives; I want a wife so that a kind of mutual tranquility occurs for me, between us is a partnership, my brothers. Imagine your friend says to you: I want us to enter a partnership together, Abu Hussein, I'll join you as a partner. Fine, our master, may it be blessed, wonderful, and I'm the first to enter. Come on, Allah is the One whose help is sought, let's make a company, Shaykh. With how much will you join? No, I'll join with supplications only, I'll pray for you. Why do you take half the profits? By Almighty Allah, 99% of marriages are based on this: I'll enter marriage but through effort, boy, what's all this grandeur? Where is what you'll contribute from the start?

The point is that a wife's ambitions, when you don't find them... she married one man, and after we married I discovered she was a human being. Can you imagine the days of engagement? In the days of engagement he sees his bride with some haze on her face, and the veil not quite right and the dress not quite right, and then the coffee is served politely and elegantly, please. Our friend is off to the visit having bathed ten times before going, and after we married his smell is… (a garbled word in the transcript). Where was this man in the days of engagement? True, the scowling and frowning, and of course you wake up in the morning a day or three after the wedding and find Hajj Shalabi sitting with you at home. Oh my! This lady? This is the sweetheart, the lady of the girls? What happened? The ceiling of ambitions goes down because we were not dealing with facts. That's why this is the problem of many of our daughters when they show themselves to their groom: they don't show him themselves, they show him their makeup, they show him another face, and when he comes in after that she says: Oh, why did you look at that woman on television? I look at her because I saw this brother who came to me, a new brother came to me in the house. The same story, she says to him: could this be the man who used to come in with the bulldozer, wearing such-and-such, with the dagger tucked in and the world in order? This one whose clothes are twisted and whose build is chopped up? What is this? What is this human being? I apologize of course for the expressions, but I'm speaking a little about reality. So the ceiling of ambitions that exists with both parties doesn't go down, it falls, and from that psychological discomfort occurs, and also the matter of aversion to the other party, so I don't want to approach her, sometimes I feel she lied to me and deceived me, and sometimes he feels she was a liar. Send blessings upon the Guide, the Bearer of glad tidings.

Imagined Betrayal: Satan's Idol

I've an element I called betrayal, and it's among the causes of problems in marriage: real betrayal and imagined betrayal. Let's start with the imagined. Our sister imagines that you, sir, are betraying her night and day. Why would I betray you, lady of the people? You're my eyes from inside, you're the hidden piece in the heart! So she says to you: no, you're still thinking about so-and-so whom you were engaged to before me. Fine, I was engaged to her before you, and she went and left, may Allah cover that covered woman, and she married another or is still in her father's house. So she says: no, your head is occupied with her. So Satan drew for her an idol in the house, named the first fiancée, or if he has some moves, and the people say: yes. Your friend says to him: no, Satan made for her an idol named the ex, or so-and-so whom she talks to, or his colleague at work, or the one he divorced or who divorced him, fine. So our friend arranged it in her head, and Satan made her an idol and put it for her in the best place in the house, so she keeps going and coming and it reminds her of it. He drew it here and placed it before her eyes.

Since you have raised this point, we must speak about its treatment. Its treatment is more praise, flattery and attention for the new wife, and making her feel that there's no other woman in life at all but you, you're the only one among all, our Lord created you until today, even our mother Eve, you were not present, you came unique of your kind, no one before you and none after. Of course effort is needed, because as long as I've a previous experience I must cover it with something. Likewise the matter of transparency in dealing. One of our old friends says to me: by Allah, my wife, whenever I travel somewhere, makes me a mandaba, you know the mandaba, meaning sorrowful mourning. Anyway she holds a funeral for me. Why, sir? He said: she's anxious. This friend is a bit handsome, gentle, nice, with sweetness and elegance and nice hair, white, I mean brown, mashallah, he goes anywhere, a beautiful upright good man, son of a good family, but his wife is a bit excessively jealous over him, the project of the talk. So whenever he says to her: I'm traveling, she says: where to? He travels abroad and stays a week or two or three. So he said to me: it got to the point that I don't tell her I'm traveling except a day before the trip, I say to her: pack the bag, I'm leaving tomorrow, so that the amount of distress is one night instead of a week. So I said to him: shall I show you what will relieve you of this? He said: what's it? I said to him: when you travel, does she hear from you? He said: no. I said: do you speak with her? He said: yes by phone. I said: does she see where you're? He said: no. I said: where do you go? He said: where do we go, we go together to conferences and gatherings. I said to him: see how I'm cleverer than you? What do I do? We have something called "the family house," a small group, and whenever I go to a place I take a selfie with my friends and send it to the family house. Did I really send it to the family house? I sent it to the one whose head I want to quiet. Then I say to one of them: brothers, may Allah be pleased with you, brother, film the gathering, may Allah expose you. In the end: are we doing something wrong now? What do you think? Is it not wisdom that you silence a voice that may be calling out against you, and that you put your heart and mind at ease with a kind of cleverness and sense, so that you silence the voice of Satan standing in the house?

I'm sitting with my friends and I call: peace be upon you, and upon you peace and the mercy of Allah and His blessings, how are you? I was checking on you, I was here with so-and-so and they send you greetings, and by Allah the wife of our brother so-and-so says to you such-and-such, this one made us some eggplant today, tremendous, please ask her how she made it, thank you, peace be upon you. Do I want eggplant? Is there an eggplant shortage in these dark days? But it's the idea. What is the idea? Silencing the very soul of Satan who kindles a fire in her. So how do you silence him? That's the wisdom of men, and none can do it but the sensible. Some of us consider this an insult to himself: how do I do this? On the contrary, by Allah besides whom there's no god, if a man among us considered that this is a kind of drawing near to Allah, Allah, the Mighty and Majestic, would reward him for it.

We agree, so we're speaking about imagined betrayal: that I see she was engaged to someone before me and I go mad, and whenever he passes or comes before me I say: this is the one who was engaged to my wife before. Sir, he proposed and left, and left her and left, and you're the great knight who gained this honor, we're done. The girl is humiliated for an experience she had earlier. As our brother says, even if she were divorced: you're thinking of your first husband, you loved him more than you love me, you cared about him more than me, uncle. Here you find Satan enters and drives people mad over nothing and over something.

Real Betrayal and the Destruction of Trust

Accordingly, when we speak of the causes of marital problems, among them is what's called imagined betrayal, and then comes the matter of real betrayal, and unfortunately since we said "real," it's real: a departure by the man from the basis of reality, and a departure by the woman from what ought not to be. We ask Allah, glory be to Him, the Exalted, for covering, safety and well-being, O Lord of the worlds, O Lord, take us in death covered and don't hand us over to ourselves nor to Satan nor to desire nor to whim. Among the things that stir up grudges among our sisters and our men in the homes are the text messages that go back and forth between two people: peace be upon you, and upon you peace, where are you? Long time no see. Do you know the kind of talk that has something like that in it? Between this and that you can't tell, is there a relationship between them or not, or do they have something? This oblique talk ruins homes, categorically, it ruins homes, say the words face to face directly, because it carries in its folds, for the party reading it, very many problems.

One of us had a wife who knew the password of his phone. So very simply make one password for the whole house, one for the whole house, big and small, boy and girl. Of course the children won't listen to you because they have calamities inside on the phones, and I'll be afraid, we won't look, but at least you put a measure of trust inside the home. Of course sometimes we've secrets belonging to people. So-and-so sent me a message and told me his problem with his wife, so my wife should not look at it, for this would be a kind of betrayal by me of the trust of creation, it doesn't work. So if the other party is understanding she doesn't go to that side at all, doesn't pass by it, doesn't understand anything in it and doesn't overstep, out of respect for this matter. So the phone becomes like the food in the kitchen: I know that this dish is Anas's food, and I know that this phone belongs to so-and-so, enough, don't open it. But if I'm going to die of hunger and need to use this phone because my phone broke or is ruined, I can open it and use it. Here also comes the matter of trust: are the people inside the homes confident in one another or not? If trust occurs, the roles of Satan are removed.

By the way, my honored brothers and our sisters if they're listening, may our Lord preserve everyone, the first and most important step Satan works on is that he destroys trust between the two parties. The destruction of trust is either in the mind or in integrity. We say it a second time: Satan works on destroying trust between the two parties, either in the mind or in integrity. So he makes her doubt his ability to think, so she remains always anxious, afraid, agitated and unsettled. The unsettled can't give people settledness; he's ruined from the inside to begin with. Imagine your wife anxious, upset and unsettled, she doesn't know how to pat you, nor congratulate you, nor pamper you, nor say a kind word to you, nor offer you the sweet morsel, nor the bedding, she doesn't know how to do this because Satan struck the chord of trust. So he makes her understand that you have no ability to think, so she remains doubting your actions, afraid of every new step you take, always anxious that you'll lead them to ruin, and this man doesn't know how to think.

The second point that Satan works on is destroying trust in integrity: this one is a traitor, whether she thought he would transfer all his money to another account so we would find ourselves not knowing what to do when we settle accounts. This one is a liar, this one is a cheat, and so on, the system of accusations that Satan builds in the human mind. This is at the level of both parties: so I likewise don't trust her actions, and I'm always anxious about these kids that she will lead them to ruin by some stupid foolish act, because Satan destroyed in me trust in her mind and trust in her integrity. We can't say this speech about our women, and praise be to Allah who mended our hearts with those who are with us.

The Story of the Mercedes

By Almighty Allah, by Allah besides whom there's no god, I remember more than thirty years ago we were walking along the road, a friend and I, and we were in the village in the old days, poor folk, walking beside the wall, and the one who owned a donkey was king of the kings of the world, he rides his donkey and goes on an errand and doesn't walk on his feet, what's all this grandeur! The point is that our friend is walking, and a Mercedes car passed by us, one of the big ones that existed in the old days, and our friend says: wow, what's this! I said to him: let me tell you something, where is your wife now? By Allah we were walking at an hour (unclear in the transcript) of the morning, returning from a reconciliation and a long sitting. I said to him: your wife, where are you? He said to me: my wife, where? What is the meaning of this? I said to him: where is your wife? He said: at home. I said to him: are you sure, boy? You confirm that your wife is at home now? I doubt it. He looked at me as if he would eat me. I said: why are you angry? Your wife is at home? He said: yes I'm sure, of course. I said to him: then thank our Lord that you're covered in your home, even if you don't have this car. The car isn't the important thing, the important thing is that I've a covered woman. The car isn't the important thing, I've a closed door that shields what's behind it, my family. The car isn't the important thing, I've integrity that fears for me and fears for my children and fears Allah regarding herself and me. The car isn't the important thing, I've behind my back one who, if I enter upon her sick, says to me: may you be well, and soothes my heart and pats me until morning and stays sitting at my feet. Man, damn the car that led us to ruin! Thank our Lord for the blessings you're in.

The Man and the Sanctity of His Home

The point is that when we speak about our women, our sisters don't understand the matter; they imagine that our anger inside the home is a diminishing of her right. She can't understand that she's the queen of my whole life. I want to ask you by Allah, and don't take me wrongly: any man, any man, if his honor is violated and the sanctity of his home is violated, does he not die in defense of his home? If the sanctity of your home were violated, would you stay standing and say: I'm afraid for myself? Is this a man? No, I want to hear, can you die in this? Man. She doesn't understand it that way, she sees your loud voice in the house and the shouting and glaring and the ranting we do over nothing, and sees all this as domination and control, and when will our Lord have mercy on us? What is this? May Allah open things for you. The man you don't like could kill himself for your sake, right? We're speaking of the fundamentals.

In the old days among us in Upper Egypt the woman was the last to eat in the house: she lays out the food for the men, then the boys sit around the man, and after they finish eating the tray is carried away, and the low table is placed before the women and they sit eating together. So your friend gets angry because she's the last to eat, pardon me, she's tired because the man is the first to eat. I said to her: fine, you get angry because he's the first to eat? She said: yes. I said: and who is the first to go out of the house to work? He is. When the door is knocked with an unusual knock, and among us in the old days they would put two knockers on the door: a big one with a loud sound, tak tok tak, and a small one, tak tak tak, so with the big one it's known that the one knocking is men, and the small one a woman, and the neighbor's girl came to take salt from my aunt, say. So we keep the system. So when the door is knocked, who goes out, according to the kind of knock? When the knock is very strong, who goes out? The man, though he bears or expects that it may be a stab in his chest. When we see danger coming, I make my reckoning. So why did I do that? These are the tools of chivalry, manhood and honor that we consider dignity. Is this dignity mine because I ate first, or hers because I protected her with my blood? I protected her with my blood, and when I go out from the morning and find my income insufficient and look for another job, for what? So as not to make her go out and be degraded among people, I preserve her dignity and guard her honor, so I don't give a chance to someone worth three pennies to look at her and not see her face and not say tall or short or fat or pretty or ugly, and I don't allow anyone to come to my house and my family, I guard my dignity and honor even if I work night and day twenty-four hours in the seven days. Because the man you married, who shouts and glares, you'll see his use when you need real manhood, and he gives it to you out of his blood, so you aren't insulted while you're in his honor and in his charge and in his care and in his covering.

Our sensible women in the old days used to say: "The shade of a man rather than the shade of a wall." Why? Because people spend the night knowing that she has a man protecting her sanctity. One of the earlier people (a garbled word in the transcript), may Allah have mercy on him, used to give the example of the very simple peasant woman: you find the door being knocked, please, lend us the hoe, you know the hoe with which we strike the earth, please lend us the hoe. Where is her husband? Ill, bedridden. So she goes out to the door and says to the caller: what do you want? He says: I want a hoe or such. She says: let me ask Abu So-and-so and then I'll come back to you. She closes the door and goes in and brings the thing and comes out. Did she go to Abu So-and-so? No, she didn't go. So she says: Abu So-and-so sends you greetings and says to you: please don't be late, we've work tomorrow. She spoke with her husband's tongue, because she knows that as long as people hear her husband's name, even in echo, they still hold in awe the side of this house, so they don't approach it nor doubt its people nor harbor ill intent toward it nor cast an accusation at it. Correct. But if this great edifice in the home is demolished and the man falls, the women of the house become... and of course our traditions remain, praise be to Allah, and the protection of the women of society is among our shared sanctities, but the owners of sick hearts remain, whom Satan guides to these spots more than to others. As for the homes in which there are men, no one even thinks of going toward them: do you not know that she has a man? How do you not know that there's a man in it? This is the point.

Instinctual Needs

Let's return again to the causes of the problems that exist, and I hope we'll bring the solutions in along the way: little fulfillment of the instinctual requirements inside the home, or none at all, on the part of one party or both. I chose this respectable phrase, "instinctual requirements." This matter varies among people; there's one who goes and marries another woman because his wife, in the colloquial expression, isn't enough for him, he wants more than that. Another is satisfied with it once, or Allah knows his state, or we agreed on a kind of mutual consent between the two parties. So we can't say: this is the system and this is the number that's worked with and this is the method. No, this is a subject; glory be to the One who created this instinct and poured into people's souls and hearts what suits each person and the nature of each human being.

Many people, don't take me wrongly, when people come to me and ask, I ask our friend: uncle, when was the last time you were with your wife? He says, for example: two years ago. By my father's life, you're joking, my son, what's this nonsense? The instinct has a call inside the soul, and we as believers can't speak of it. I can't go out and say to people: my wife doesn't give me. I can't say this, and likewise the woman can't. If I came and said: has none of you given me what I want? Psychologically inside me the instinct speaks within, and this is in the woman and in the man by nature. So what happens? It leads to mental reactions, and accordingly there's a verbal outlet for an emotional reaction. Imagine that you speak while angry, will you say sweet words? Will you come out with words of Paradise? No, you'll say words that fit the state of anger you have. So when we've estrangement inside homes or distance in some form, it's very natural that these people, even when they speak with one another, speak dryly.

That's why we've a stage, when the two of us grow old, one of two things: either we go back to being very good friends, we've shared talk and we know that the last of our relationship is a kiss, thank you, that too, we know, look at this tenderness, or we sit together on the bench telling each other and recalling the old days and following the affairs of the grandchildren and the children, and who left and who came, friends at the fullest distance; or life turns into enmity. Especially at the beginning of the stage of physical dryness in both parties a kind of psychological isolation occurs, so she wears down the other party, if Allah, the Exalted, afflicts the man with illness or otherwise or loss of desire or otherwise. Because sometimes we're occupied with our minds over our bodies, so your brain thinks night and day and your body gives the subject no attention, and she still needs that, or she's busy with her grandchildren and children and those around her so her energy turned away from this matter, and the man still looks, glory be to Allah. So if this fulfillment of these instincts doesn't occur, a very great kind of psychological separation occurs.

How? I don't have a solution, because this is a matter specific to each person. But among the very important things is that we understand, and our sisters in particular understand, that fulfilling instincts isn't only the bed, but the place of your eye. One of our friends says, as we talk like this with people sitting: by Allah so-and-so is upset that so-and-so married another woman over her. Our friend gave a very spontaneous sharp reply, he said: uncle, before she gets upset buy her a treadmill so she can run on something, instead of the trailer, instead of the water tank sitting in the house, stir her blood a bit. I understood from the story that our friend in his bed gets what he wants and fulfills desires, but in the general sight, no, the matter isn't consistent with him, he wants to see something else. Because we fear Allah we don't look at the forbidden, but when you come to look at the lawful it bothers you. So you go on and go mad: do you want to look at the lawful or do you want to look at the forbidden? Where will you go, poor wretch? Likewise the man: his wife likes to see him clean, but he neglects his state, if he raises his arms you find the smell has spread and blown up the world. Uncle, clean up and set yourself right and be upright, go in and bathe and put on some perfume. By the way, on both parties we see a kind of contradiction between what we claim and what we do. Neglect in the clean human being, a human being, may Allah honor you, rotten. So which of the two parties? Our master ʿAbdullah ibn ʿAbbās says: By Allah, I adorn myself for my wife as she adorns herself for me^[5], and the corruption of the women of the Children of Israel was because of that. Because of what? That the man imagines he's a man at any time and in anything: I do what I want, wait, where are you going? Your smell is bad, poison comes out of your mouth, man, one can't approach you, one doesn't know how to come beside you.

I know that these particulars are very sensitive, and many people can't. This by the way is among the biggest problems occurring in this particular: that the two of us don't sit together and be frank with one another. So she says to me: could you, with your permission, perform ablution? What does it mean? It means: go change this smell of your mouth and clean your nostrils that you snort with, may our Lord bring us a little closer, brother, go clean up and come. Just a word: could you, with your permission, perform ablution and come. So I go and perform ablution and clean up, for example. So is the matter of interests: people sit together, I like such-and-such about you and I don't like such-and-such about you, you affect such-and-such, you go on and on and so on. If that happened it would gather the affairs together.

The Solutions: Shared Worship, Periodic Reviews, and Reminders of Virtues

As for the solutions, I had written some of them, and I ask Allah to help us and bless you all, from among the shared matters. Be patient with me for two minutes for Allah's sake, may Allah be pleased with you. Send blessings upon the Guide, the Bearer of glad tidings. There is something we aren't paying attention to: do you know painkillers? Painkillers don't uproot the disease, painkillers only soothe. Among the important painkillers inside homes is shared worship. Pay attention to two words: shared worship, not individual worship. Imagine a husband and his wife sitting and reading together a juzʾ of the Qur'an. Give me the level of disagreements that occurs between them, I mean they will disagree all day, and then at the end of the day they sit and read the Qur'an and go to bed in good spirits. Right. We're sitting after the Qur'an portion, and before it we reviewed each other about what we did yesterday. Shared worship: I prayed two rakʿahs at night, will you not pray with me? I'm tired. Pray sitting, I'll bring you a chair, please, rest, I know you're exhausted all day long, pray two rakʿahs with me. So we read a juzʾ of the Qur'an together, and prayed two rakʿahs together, and sat saying: make supplication for us, Abu So-and-so, make supplication for us, I feel I need to hear my supplications. Did this happen? Does any of us do this? Or do I do this at all? But I'm speaking about the truth, and this is a very large part of the treatment. Make supplication for us, by Allah, so she raises her hands and supplicates while you say: amen. Fine. But don't supplicate and say: O Allah, replace for me a house better than my house and a husband better than my husband!

The second matter: periodic reviews. What are periodic reviews? There is something called a "retreat": the owners of big companies take the whole work team, right, and go out on a vacation for a whole day from beginning to end, breakfast, lunch and dinner, and go to a nice place and sit relaxing, and what's the news of the world and so-and-so did this and so-and-so did that, and there's someone writing down the notes. Then we return to work the next day with a report that came out of yesterday's retreat, and we're going to do this so that we review our affairs. This doesn't happen in our homes, we don't do it even once a year to review what happened last year, what we want to do next year, what the future plans are. We don't do that. That's why the only manager who runs the home from top to bottom is Satan, because he's the only one who has a plan, the only one who knows what he will do tomorrow, the only one who knows when and how he will make you hit the wall.

The third matter: constantly reminding of the other party's virtues. What prevents me from hearing from my wife every now and then: may our Lord keep you for us, may we not be deprived of your presence, you feel the world? Just a word, the poor woman lost nothing when she said it. What prevents me from saying to her every now and then: wonderful, by Almighty Allah you tire yourself a great deal, when I go to anyone's I can't eat food like your food, you have exhausted me, you give me no chance anywhere else, your food is delicious, what beauty! What prevents the man from saying to his wife: Oh! Does the sun rise at night? What brought it now, you came in suddenly like that! Any words, any words, at any time, in any chatter. But pay attention: we're laughing now, and by Almighty Allah you don't know the effect of that in changing the general mood inside the home. By that you extinguish the ember of the fire Satan kindled, so that you can spend a good time, long or short according to your ability to understand, be reasonable and take into account the other party and the different mentality.

The Final Counsel: What Is Behind the Curtain

The last counsel with which we conclude: don't forget that behind the curtain there's Satan. Satan makes the good ugly and the bad attractive, and accordingly he spews his poisons inside society and inside the home to ruin it. Imagine that our master the Prophet ﷺ conveys to us this picture: that Satan sits on his throne on the sea^[6] and waits for the men who come to him, these little kids, the boys, what did you do today? One of them says to him: I didn't cease with so-and-so and so-and-so until he divorced her. He says to him: you, you're the one, and he takes pride in him. That's it. Glory be to You, O Allah, and praise; I bear witness that there's no god but You, I seek Your forgiveness and repent to You.

Then he recited: In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful ﴿وَالْعَصْرِ ۝ إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ ۝ إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ…﴾^[7] (By the time. Indeed, mankind is in loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and advise one another to truth…)

May Allah reward you with good, and the peace of Allah be upon you.

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: The reference is to the saying of the Exalted: ﴿وَأَخَذْنَ مِنكُم مِّيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا﴾ [al-Nisāʾ: 21] (and they have taken from you a solemn covenant). The lecturer didn't recite the verse in the transcript; he only mentioned the description "solemn covenant." ^[2]: Editor's documentation: Agreed upon, from the ḥadīth of Abū Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him): «تُنكَحُ المرأةُ لأربع: لمالها، ولحَسَبها، ولجمالها، ولدينها، فاظفر بذات الدين تَرِبت يداك» ("A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religion; so win the one with religion, may your hands be covered in dust"). The lecturer mentioned the four in the order "her wealth, her beauty, her lineage and her religion." ^[3]: Editor's documentation: The ḥadīth breaks off in the transcript at «فإن العرق». What is known in Ibn Mājah and elsewhere is «تخيّروا لنطفكم وانكحوا الأكفاء وأنكحوا إليهم» ("Choose well for your seed, marry equals, and give in marriage to them"), with chains of transmission about which the scholars have commented; and the wording «فإن العرق دسّاس» ("for lineage runs deep") is well known on people's tongues and there's discussion about its authenticity. In the transcript, in the lecturer's explanation, it reads «لأن العرق جساس» (sic), and I've preferred, by my own judgment, that it's «دسّاس». ^[4]: Editor's documentation: The story is in Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī in the Treaty of al-Ḥudaybiyah, and the one who gave the counsel is Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her); the lecturer didn't mention her name in the transcript but said "the Mother of the Believers." ^[5]: Editor's documentation: The lecturer attributed this saying to Ibn ʿAbbās (may Allah be pleased with them both), and it wasn't possible to verify its chain of transmission; I've given it as the lecturer said it. The phrase "the corruption of the women of the Children of Israel" appeared in the transcript with a confused context. ^[6]: Editor's documentation: The ḥadīth of Jābir (may Allah be pleased with him) in Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim: «إن إبليس يضع عرشه على الماء، ثم يبعث سراياه…» ("Iblīs places his throne upon the water, then sends out his detachments…") to the end of the ḥadīth. The lecturer conveyed it by its meaning. ^[7]: Editor's documentation: Sūrat al-ʿAṣr [1–3]. The transcript breaks off at «وتواصوا بالحق وت», and its completion is: ﴿وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ﴾ (and advise one another to patience). The text gives only what appeared in the transcript. ^[8]: Editor's documentation: In the transcript it reads «رجاله كليمه», which is garbled; I've set down "word" (كلمة), as it appears. ^[9]: Editor's documentation: In the transcript it reads «كل واحد داخل شركة خسرانه» ("each one entering a partnership his loss"); the context favors the meaning of profit, so I've set that down, as it appears. ^[10]: Editor's documentation: Between sending the video and this statement there's garbled speech in the transcript whose speaker can't be made out («ما ينفعش معاك كلام ده… مستورة معاه بالعافية»), so it was deleted and not attributed to anyone.