The Prophet's Conduct with His Wives

Occasion: A transcription of a lecture delivered on December 7, 2016Source: A transcription of a video lecture by Dr. Ahmed Abouseif — Watch the original video on YouTube

Dr. Ahmed began by asking Allah to gather those present in Paradise just as He gathered them in this world upon obedience to Him, and he repeated the supplication: O Allah, we ask You to gather us in the Gardens of Bliss. He recalled what he had said the night before: that we did not come to this blessed land, with all the people of goodness, remembrance and obedience in it, except to leave behind us good deeds that will testify for us before Allah, Blessed and Exalted, and he asked Allah to record our steps in the scale of our good deeds.

The title of the evening: the Prophet's ﷺ guidance in his treatment of the people of his household. And the first thing he wanted to open his talk with was a question: why do we follow the Messenger ﷺ? Why do we trace his footsteps, look at what he did, and try to imitate him?

Why Do We Follow the Messenger ﷺ?

The Lord of the worlds speaks to us about him and says:

﴿مَّن يُطِعِ الرَّسُولَ فَقَدْ أَطَاعَ اللَّهَ﴾^[8] (Whoever obeys the Messenger has obeyed Allah)

And He, glory be to Him, commanded us to obey him in an explicit command: ﴿يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا أَطِيعُوا اللَّهَ وَأَطِيعُوا الرَّسُولَ…﴾.^[1] (O you who believe, obey Allah and obey the Messenger…) So obeying the Prophet ﷺ is an act of worship in itself; that you look for something the Prophet ﷺ did and try to do likewise, this in itself is worship, "Agreed?"

The second matter is that the Prophet ﷺ represents the complete model among human beings. And we must understand that there is a difference between absolute perfection, which belongs to Allah, glory be to Him, the Exalted, and human perfection, which belongs to the protected ones among Allah's creation, His prophets and messengers, peace and blessings be upon them. And our Lord made for us in the Prophet ﷺ a model of how to apply the Qur'an; the Noble Qur'an was revealed, and the Prophet ﷺ is the mirror that shows us how the Qur'an is applied. So obeying the Prophet ﷺ is nothing but a serious attempt at a true application of the Noble Qur'an; if you want to apply the Qur'an and live it, then you must live the life of the one who applied it the first time, and he is the Messenger of Allah ﷺ. And his ﷺ biography represents for us the constants of life.

Then he gave an example of that: today we speak about a set of issues that people talk about, such as what the right hand possesses and the treatment of slaves and bondwomen and so on, for which we are now criticized. These people have overlooked that all of these things, I mean the enslavement of human beings, are happening at this very moment in scattered places in the world and people do not feel it, but they speak of it under other names. As for the Prophet ﷺ, when he spoke about such things he set for them the constants and laws that regulate them, so they raised the value of the enslaved human being to being a human being, and lowered the value of the owner to being a human being as well; so it neither raises the standing of a person to the degree of servitude to him or divinity, nor lowers the standing of a person to the degree of humiliation and low rank and dignity.

And this is merely an example. Likewise the marital dealings between the man and his family: the Prophet ﷺ, with all this difference of time, one thousand four hundred and thirty-seven years, and we still speak with the words of the Messenger ﷺ as the most complete model of how a man treats his family, and how a Muslim deals with the people of his household. That is what the Messenger of Allah ﷺ left us, and that is what he wanted to begin with now.

Then he teased those present: what is it with you, that your faces suddenly became stern, as if you were frowning? Don't worry, we will say very ordinary things, loosen up, and I have tried it! And he asked: is there anyone here whose wife is present? Let him raise his hand... or don't raise your hands, may Allah honor you and make your teeth laugh.

What Is Marriage? The Verse of al-Rum

And before he spoke about the Prophet's ﷺ condition with his wives and how he used to treat them, he asked a very simple question: what is meant by the concept of marriage among us? Then he said: come, let us read from the Qur'an of Allah what teaches us the meaning of the word "zawj" (spouse):

﴿وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ﴾ (And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who reflect.)

And he wanted to link two matters, in which he recalled what was said yesterday: ﴿إِنَّمَا مَثَلُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا كَمَاءٍ أَنزَلْنَاهُ مِنَ السَّمَاءِ فَاخْتَلَطَ بِهِ نَبَاتُ الْأَرْضِ…﴾،^[2] (The example of worldly life is but like rain which We send down from the sky, and the plants of the earth mingle with it…) and the conclusion of both verses is reflection. So he asked: is there a common denominator between the one who reflects on the matter of the world and life, and the one who reflects on the matter of the family? And what is the great life? What is its miniature model? It is the family; so if you deal well with this family you have dealt well with the great life. And he said he was saying it as a marginal note, then asked those present for a little encouragement so he could continue.

Then he paused at the saying of the Exalted ﴿وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ﴾ (And among His signs): what does "among His signs" mean? It means among His blessings. So is marriage in itself a blessing or a curse? A blessing. And he asked: are we believers from the depths of our hearts that it is a blessing? And are we keen to preserve the blessing, or do we treat it as a blessing that can be replaced, a blessing that can be renewed, a blessing that can be done without?

And he said: take note, for when Allah, the Exalted, mentioned ﴿وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا﴾ (And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates) He said after it: ﴿وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ خَلْقُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ وَاخْتِلَافُ أَلْسِنَتِكُمْ وَأَلْوَانِكُمْ﴾ (And among His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the difference of your languages and your colors). And when the Lord of the worlds spoke about His signs He mentioned among them sleep, for example, in the verses of Sūrat al-Rūm. So can you do without sleep? No. And can you do without the wife? No. And can you do without your tongue and the difference of languages? No. So it is a blessing that cannot be done without, so either you preserve it or it is taken from you. And why is it taken? Because the One who created it did not create it in vain, but created it to last.

Then he paused at ﴿خَلَقَ لَكُم﴾ (He created for you): who created? Allah, glory be to Him, the Exalted. He created for whom? ﴿لَكُم﴾ (for you). And he said: here there is something particular to you; as the Exalted said ﴿سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ﴾,^[3] (He has subjected to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth) Allah created for your sake. "Allahu akbar!" Can you imagine that our Lord created something specifically for you? This is not merely a blessing, but a gift from Allah. And he said: take note, because if we understand this speech we reassess the situation we are in.

Then he moved on to the most intense phrase: ﴿مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ﴾ (from yourselves). "Allahu akbar"; as if she is a part of your parts. And he recalled His saying, glory be to Him, in Sūrat al-Nisāʾ:

﴿يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا﴾ (O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from one soul and created from it its mate)

And he asked those present: from one soul? From Adam, then He created from it its mate. Meaning the woman came out of you, a piece of you. And he said: I understand that my daughter could be a part of me, but my wife, how could she be a part of me? Then he answered: we must understand that this is the human composition; this woman, the moment she was joined to you, became an inseparable part of your being. So if you could strike your hand with your hand, you could strike your wife with your hand; and this is neither right nor beneficial. And accordingly I must deal with my wife as a part of my being.

Then he linked that to something very general in the saying of the Prophet ﷺ: «المؤمن للمؤمن بنيانٌ يشدّ بعضه بعضًا» ("The believer to the believer is like a structure, each part strengthening the other"), and his ﷺ saying: «مثل المؤمنين في توادّهم وتراحمهم كمثل الجسد الواحد، إذا اشتكى منه عضوٌ تداعى له سائر الأعضاء… الحمّى» ("The likeness of the believers in their mutual affection and mercy is like the one body: when one limb of it complains, the rest of the limbs respond… the fever").^[4] He said: and this speech applies to Muslims in general, and applies to the home in a more particular way. «مثل المؤمنين في توادّهم وتراحمهم» ("The likeness of the believers in their mutual affection and mercy") then the verse: ﴿وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً﴾ (and He placed between you affection and mercy); the two words are shared between the Prophet's ﷺ speech and the verse, «Can you imagine this link? Allahu akbar!». So the one who cannot create affection and mercy in his home will not be able to live affection and mercy among Muslims, so he is a marginalized person in society. «Imagine a marginalized person in society!»

"Zawj" and "That You May Find Tranquility in Them"

And he said: let's stay with the verse. ﴿أَزْوَاجًا﴾ (mates): the word "zawj" is said of two things paired with each other, neither of which can do without the other, so when you have two feet they are a "zawj"; and here he mentioned shoes in a garbled phrase in the transcript, then said: anyway I'll skip it, may Allah honor you. Imagine two things neither of which can do without the other, and there you are walking at half your strength, and your wife "behind" (so in the transcript, and the phrase is confused). And he related a joke about a man who wanted to marry a second time, so he said to his wife: behind every great man is a woman, and I want to be greater than that! And he said: responsibility lies with the narrator, and it is not from the narration of Ahmad.

Then he said: Allah, Blessed and Exalted, says ﴿لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا﴾ (that you may find tranquility in them). And the biggest problem in our lives, my brothers, is that we want to dwell in our wives; to go inside her and take all the good in her and come out as if nothing had happened. And this is called selfishness. And the bigger problem is that she also wants to do that, except those on whom Allah has mercy.

And he gave an example so they would understand the matter: when you look for a groom for your daughter, what are the specifications of the groom you want? And he asked those present, and the answers came: religious, rich, has a good job, has money, from a good family, lineage. Then he said: and what else? And what else? You want two hundred qualities in your daughter's husband, though I have not even looked at my daughter properly, and I want the best person in humanity to marry her! And the girl, when she wants to marry, what does she want? She wants someone who will pamper her and pat her and stay quiet and make her live as a queen. And what does he want? He wants one who serves him, and serves his mother, and his father, and his relatives, and so on. He wants everything from her and she wants everything from him. And he asked: is this called selfishness or altruism or what? And he said: this is the concept that exists.

As for the verse: ﴿لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا﴾ (that you may find tranquility in them), and in return she finds tranquility in you, so each of the two parties has with the other a need they require and something they give; so there is an exchange of benefits in it. ﴿وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً﴾ (and He placed between you affection and mercy): the One who placed it is Allah. So if you snatch away with your own hand what Allah placed, you are returning to Allah what He placed between you and your wife. My brothers, this is the foundation.

Then he invited them to remember the days of engagement: and you say to her "taste this lemon, my dear, its taste is lovely, but be careful so it doesn't hurt…", and "sip slowly please." Do you remember this talk? Or didn't they get engaged? "Be careful, you'll fall, you'll choke," "fine, let me close this window next to you, my dear, because air might get in on you." But after marriage you say to her: the window? Break it, and what shall I do for you about the window? (And he apologized for these expressions: forgive us, may Allah honor you.)

A Mother's Counsel to Her Daughter

Then he said: when we speak about these equations we mentioned, which are in the verse, who can achieve these equations? Who can establish a family with these dimensions? You will say to me: the Messenger of Allah ﷺ did that, and the Messenger of Allah ﷺ left me a method. But let's look together at something simple and small. It is that a woman, when she came to marry off her daughter, said some words to her. And he said: let me understand from this speech that the ones who can make the equation of balance inside the home, to begin with, are the two parents: the mother and the father.

And he recited some verses of poetry, and said that this woman's daughter is named Ahlām (isn't it a nice name?), then he mentioned another name, "Ashraf" (and it was not clear from the transcript whether he is her prospective husband or someone else), and he told that the woman pours these verses into her counsel to her daughter. The mother says to her daughter, and the daughter used to ask her when she was little: what is the secret of the enduring love between you and my father after marriage? She had told her that day, in brief, words suited to her age, but now that the daughter was about to marry:

I bestow upon you, from the heart, my counsels; I have no aim but the happy home

And he said: is the speech understood? Then he went on: she tells her daughter that if you wish marriage to remain happiness… and may contentment and harmony remain between you. And at this point there is disturbance in the transcript, so only this much was established. Then:

The husband is a child seated upon a throne, and what he wants is veneration and honorYou are the entire subject in his kingdom, and blind obedience from you is required

And he commented jokingly: of course our sisters now will start to leave... no, wait, seek Allah's guidance and let us continue! And he said that they are not speaking about a man telling his daughter, but about a woman recounting the whole experience. Then she says:

His is all the leadership, and in his palm, O subject, in life is the rein for youBut he casts his rein to you in love, so by it he is, with you, a servantIn love is the secret of magic that does its work, and on its foundations life is established

And she counsels her to be a spouse to him, to show him her tenderness, for tenderness without her is illusions, and to be his faithful partner always:

Be his faithful partner always; indeed faithfulness is the backbone of marriageA partner's trust is an absolute necessity; its loss is destructive for both of youAnd your husband's ambition is in your hands a trust; in your conscience it is a pledge and a rein

And he said: we are following, fully aware, may Allah bless you. Then the mother describes how his spirit finds pleasure in the shade of her spirit as he rests, so her spirit remains an oasis for him, and her nest remains arranged, with a contribution of art in its arrangement:

He takes refuge in it after wearying exertion, and finds in what it holds relief

And he commented: he doesn't have to go to some other place at the end of the day (and the rest of the sentence is confused in the transcript). And ideas respond to each other between them, and then in the home his stay is pleasant. And among what she said (as understood from the confused transcript) is that she exerts what she can in pleasing him. Then:

And weakness does not mean abasement at all, for abasement to one's mate is forbiddenEnough for the mate from his female mate is gentleness and frankness, by which peace is established

And he said: and frankness… be careful. Then:

As long as you are careful over his secrets, his care for you will surely lastAnd the exchange of reverence between you gives you both standing among all peopleDo not listen to any slander against him; all slanderers are hypocrites, base

And he said: the speech is of course for both. And the mother says that she has offered all the counsels to her daughter, and her wish is that the dreams come true, and that her counsel is that she always be with the Bountiful, the All-Knowing:

Whoever lives his life with God, God is his guarantor and he is not wronged

Then the mother turns to the daughter's mate, and says: and to your mate as I send my greeting, I send a plea with no ambiguity in it, he is in the position of your brother (Ashraf), my daughter. And the doctor asked: what did we say the girl's name was? Ahlām, "O knight of dreams":

O knight of dreams, the dreams of my daughter and my beloved, O bold oneBe her husband and her friend and her brother and a tender father, all honorBe the shepherd of the home, setting its affairs right with gentleness, no harshness or compulsionTrust in her faithfulness, value her opinion, and if she complains, listen, being magnanimousBe a protector, a nurturer and a comforter, and by it what you wish is completedAnd be the companion on the road, in agreement, and life becomes happiness and harmonyAnd your happy home becomes, in strength and solidity, like pyramids

And she concluded: this is the speech of the heart that I composed in verse, and from the ribs for thought are pens, and if I pass, that is, after I die, even if I die my spirit always longs for you both with its wing, and upon you both is my peace, a greeting from me, "and the tongue, and peace is the conclusion."^[5]

And he asked those present: what do you think of this speech? And he said: this is a sensible speech, from one with experience, and it needs a long explanation.

Then he invited them to a thought experiment: if we came across a father's counsel to his daughter as he tells her that she will move to the house of a man who is a stranger to him, what the man needs, what his daughter ought to do, how he values the day he is in now, and how he looks at the past; and that if he felt the feelings of his wife's family on the day they sent her in procession to him as he feels his feelings now as he sends his daughter in procession, if time went back and he kept those feelings in himself, he would swear that he would never have been harsh with her one day (apparently; the word is cut off in the transcript). Then he addresses his daughter and says: my little daughter, by Allah I am now in pain. And he said: imagine you are the father of the girl, and she comes to you saying: Daddy, my husband upset me, or insulted me, and said the ugliest words to her! What would be your state? You are the man who, if he remembered that he had said it before to his wife, and she is also somebody's daughter, you did not fetch her from the street, nor was she a foundling. So he expresses that if he could make up for what had passed of his time there would not have been any mistreatment from him.

From Where Did the Prophet ﷺ Precede to This Happiness?

Then he said: the Prophet ﷺ preceded to this marital happiness. And marital happiness, our brothers, is the dream of the earlier and later generations. If you are happy in your home you are happy in all your life; right or wrong? And he invited them to send blessings upon the Guide ﷺ. Then he asked: why did the Prophet ﷺ precede? What is the secret that he preceded to this happiness? He said: because he took into account a set of criteria in his relationship with his wife.

And he began with the engagement: when you went to propose or ask for the hand of the daughter of some people, when you made this lovely request, with whom did you go? You took with you your dearest family, the elders. Why? Because you were going to take the daughter of people, so you took the dearest people to you to ask for the hand of this honored one. So why does she remain honored until the wedding night, and on the morning after she falls from your sight? Why does your concept of life change the moment you live with her a month or two or three? And why does the world deteriorate in the relationship between you the moment she brings you a child? I mean, what did she do? A crime? A calamity? She brought you the dearest thing in your life, and you have a child, and you have a home, and you have a family. By what concept do we deal?

Then he said: and the criteria that the Prophet ﷺ set... send blessings upon him... what were they? Was it equality between husband and wife? Are we equal?^[6] Then he mentioned the saying of our Lord, glory be to Him, in His Book:

﴿الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ﴾ (Men are the caretakers of women)

And he said jokingly: «Keep it to yourself, and don't say it, because it will harm you.» And he asked himself how it would harm him. Then he said: calm down a bit. You know "qawwām" is an intensive form of "qiyām" (standing), so what is the meaning of standing? It means you are standing waiting for the lady's orders! «Yes, by Almighty Allah», and unfortunately we discovered this matter after… «Oh calamity!» Then he said: didn't I tell you not to say it? I told you don't bring up this verse. Is anyone here whose wife is present? And there are those recording live.

And he returned to seriousness: so when you hear "Men are the caretakers of women" lower your voice as you say this verse, and don't let your wife hear it in the house, so she says to you: attention! By whose order? By the order of the Lord of the worlds! Then he explained the meaning: why? Because you are the one entrusted with this home, and you are the shepherd of this home, and you are the guarantor of this home…^[7]

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: The remainder of the verse is ﴿وَأُوْلِي الْأَمْرِ مِنكُمْ﴾ (and those in authority among you), and this place was disordered in the transcript («وأولي الأنبياء»), so only the half that was established was kept. ^[2]: Editor's documentation: The lecturer did not attribute the verse to a surah; it is in Sūrat Yūnus, and its conclusion is ﴿لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ﴾ (for a people who reflect); and it came in the transcript in a garbled form: «حتى إذا الض… لا لا تفكّر», so only what he said was set down from it. Likewise the verse of al-Rūm 22 he mentioned by its meaning «ومن آياته خلق السماوات والأرض اختلاف ألسنتكم وألوانكم». ^[3]: Editor's documentation: The phrase, in similar form, is in al-Jāthiyah: 13 and Luqmān: 20; the lecturer did not name the surah. ^[4]: Editor's documentation: The first is agreed upon, from the ḥadīth of Abū Mūsā al-Ashʿarī (may Allah be pleased with him), and the second is agreed upon, from the ḥadīth of al-Nuʿmān ibn Bashīr (may Allah be pleased with them both); the wording of the first in the Ṣaḥīḥ is «كالبنيان يشد بعضه بعضا» ("like a structure, each part strengthening the other"), and the wording of the second: «تداعى له سائر الجسد بالسهر والحمّى» ("the rest of the body responds with sleeplessness and fever"); and we have set down here what the lecturer uttered. ^[5]: Editor's documentation: The lecturer did not mention the composer of the poem, and the transcript is garbled in a number of its lines; so the lines whose text was sound were set down, obvious errors of hearing in them were corrected, and the hemistichs that were disordered were omitted. It is noted that he mentioned the names "Ahlām" and "Ashraf" in the context of his narration of the poem and his joking with those present. ^[6]: Editor's documentation: This place is garbled in the transcript («عبارة عن مساواة… بين الزوج والزوجة، احنا متساويين، لا مش متساويين» ("a matter of equality… between husband and wife, are we equal, no, not equal")), and no clear answer is established from it; so no ruling on equality was attributed to him. ^[7]: Editor's documentation: Before «المؤتمن» ("the one entrusted") a garbled word («الحائس») occurred which was not established, so it was not set down. And after «الراعي» ("the shepherd") the word «الكافر» ("the disbeliever") came in the transcript, and what is set down, «الكافل» ("the guarantor"), is an estimate, as it appears. And the transcript breaks off at his saying «كل المها…», so there is no continuation of the lecture in the source. ^[8]: Editor's documentation: The lecturer did not name the locations of the verses except the surahs al-Rūm and al-Nisāʾ (for verses 21 of al-Rūm and 1 of al-Nisāʾ); and their locations according to the known text are: al-Nisāʾ 80, al-Nisāʾ 59 (its first half), al-Rūm 21, Yūnus 24 (its first half), al-Rūm 22, al-Nisāʾ 1, and al-Nisāʾ 34.