Four Pillars of the Prophet's Way of Educating People

Occasion: A transcription of a lecture delivered at Masjid Al-Huda in Dearborn, Michigan, uploaded as a recording on July 28, 2024 (the date of delivery is not stated)Source: A transcription of a video lecture by Dr. Ahmed Abouseif — Watch the original video on YouTube

Our talk tonight, by the permission of Allah, Blessed and Exalted, is about the educational principles of the Prophetic way of upbringing. And our first question is: why do we need to get to know how the Prophet ﷺ educated people?

Why Do We Learn Education from the Prophet ﷺ?

To begin with, because the Prophet ﷺ is the one who expresses the words of the Lord of Might, glory be to Him, and he is His chosen one from among His creation to be a messenger for Him. So everything that issues from him is right, and nothing of error touches his action. He speaks with the tongue of the Lord of Might; and you can grasp this from what the Qur'an says about him, and what the Qur'an says is the word of Allah: ﴿وَمَا يَنطِقُ عَنِ الْهَوَىٰ ۝ إِنْ هُوَ إِلَّا وَحْيٌ يُوحَىٰ﴾ (“Nor does he speak from his own desire. It is but a revelation revealed”).^[19] Was this revelation in his words ﷺ alone, or in his words and his deeds? We grasp that from what the ḥadīth scholars say when they define the Sunnah: it is the Prophet's speech in wording, his conduct in action, and his approval in assent. So if the Prophet gave approval, that is an act of the Prophet; if he acted, it is his act; and if he spoke, it is his ḥadīth ﷺ. On this basis, everything that comes from the Messenger of Allah ﷺ is binding.

Then, the matter of education is relatively thorny, for several reasons. The first is that you cannot say: this is a straight line that we draw. We are not speaking about geometry, where you connect point (A) to point (B) and that leads to such-and-such. Education depends on each individual case. And you see that in the conduct of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ himself: the questioner comes to him and says, “O Messenger of Allah, tell me about such-and-such,” and he tells him of an outcome or commands him with something; then another person comes to him asking the same request and the same question, and the Prophet ﷺ tells him something other than the first; then a third comes with the same question, and the answers differ. Why? Because he is dealing with an educational method. And what does this mean? It means that what my brother can bear I may not be able to bear, what so-and-so is able to do I may not be able to do, and what someone else can do I may not be able to do.

And imagine that I am speaking, and perhaps we sit and talk for two or three hours until morning, but come, let us walk two miles together and you will find that I have no strength. And another can walk but cannot speak, and so-and-so can think but cannot express, and that other one is the opposite. These psychological capacities you see plainly with your own eyes. And imagine you have just two boys: would you find them to be exact copies of one another, behaving in the same ways and having the same reaction? Impossible. Even twins: you see this one with his character and temperament on one side, and that one with his character and temperament on the other.

From this we knew that education is a relative matter, and that in establishing its principles we must rely on the general principles that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ established. So we look at the general method he followed, and let us look at some scenes from his life ﷺ.

Love: The Foundation of the Relationship, Not Its Moment

Anas ibn Mālik (may Allah be pleased with him) relates that he served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years. Reflect on these ten years: if a person had been married for ten years, how many disagreements would have occurred between him and his wife? You can imagine how many months there are in these years, how many weeks, how many days, how many hours; multiply, and you have an enormous number in front of you. And why did I bring these spans close for you? Because each hour of a person's states has a different mood. One single word comes to you: you send a text message to your friend, “Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah, how are you?”, and he replies with a reply that changes your mood and turns your whole being upside down; after you were smiling at those you were sitting with, sitting at home with your wife and children, all cheerful, a message comes that angers you, and your face changes and the words coming out of you change. So consider the mood of the Prophet ﷺ over ten years in which he lived together with his servant Anas.

Then, is dealing with a wife on the level of dealing with a servant? Which of the two receives commands and prohibitions more? And the servant in the house is bound to serve both parties together, the husband and the wife. Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) says: I served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years, and he never said to me about something I did, “Why did you do it?” nor about something I did not do, “Why did you not do it?”^[1]

And I ask a very simple question: if a child grew up before your eyes for years, would it be conceivable that you would never once ask him, “My son, why did you do such-and-such?” Is that conceivable? Then do you imagine that the Prophet ﷺ never truly asked Anas why he did or why he did not, and left him without any oversight, doing as he pleased, with things going along by blessing? No. But Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) is expressing that the question did not come from the Prophet in a tone containing any anger or harshness; for if harshness is present, the features of education vanish.

So let us look at the relationship that existed between Anas and the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, who was the one served, peace and blessings be upon him. The family of one of the boys came to him and learned of his standing with the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, so they came with their money to ransom their son with it, and they offered the money. And what did the boy say? In the language of his state: I do not wish for the companionship of anyone after the Prophet ﷺ, and he chose to remain in this companionship and this closeness.^[2] So the relationship was stronger than the relationship of a son with his father. And relationships that become strong in this way are built on what? On love, on understanding, on patience, on kindness of wording and speech. So we are speaking of four: love, patience, understanding, and kindness of wording. And if these four qualities were present in any person, no one on the face of the earth would be angry with him.

So our relationships with people are relationships of love, and relationships of love always overlook faults. They say: “وَعَيْنُ الرِّضَا عَنْ كُلِّ عَيْبٍ كَلِيلَةٌ، وَلَكِنَّ عَيْنَ السُّخْطِ تُبْدِي الْمَسَاوِيَا” (“The eye of contentment is dull to every fault, but the eye of resentment brings out the defects”).^[3] So if two people are on good terms, sitting together in a sitting of affection and love, all the problems between them vanish; but if a situation arises between them, my friend remembers the old and the new, and says: you used to do such-and-such! And perhaps his companion did not intend it, but he remembers every small and great thing against him, and even digs out faults that may not be in him at all; in Egypt we say: “he pulls dead cats out on him.”

The point is that the rules on which the Prophet ﷺ raised people were rules of love. He ﷺ never carried anything in his heart against anyone, and there was no hatred or loathing in himself toward anyone; even the disbelievers he did not hate, but rather hated their disbelief. And there is a very great difference between the two matters: that I hate so-and-so and cannot bear to see him, and that I hate the conduct he engages in, so that if he changes his stance I accept him, for he is my beloved in the hidden depths of my heart. So the Prophet ﷺ carried this love in his heart for people.

So the first factor we are speaking about is the factor of the heart. Do we have the ability to change the compass of hearts so that it moves in one direction, which is love of creation? That we carry nothing against anyone; a stance of a brother angers me and we are upset with each other because of the stance, and when the situation clears we return to the underlying relationship that exists, without changing or altering; hearts do not turn and feelings do not change even if stances change. That is why, when we get angry in our homes and are upset with our wives or they are upset with us, what happens after we reconcile? We return “like butter on honey.” It means: the temporary disagreement has lifted and the relationship has returned to its origin. That is why the Lord of the Worlds described it as a relationship of affection and mercy: ﴿وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً﴾ (“And He placed between you affection and mercy”).^[20] Why affection and mercy? Because we are speaking about the bond of hearts that come together on this solemn covenant that the Lord of the Worlds placed between every married couple. Did we disagree or didn't we? How many years have we been married, how many situations have passed over us, how many times did we quarrel over the child and how he behaved, or the girl who went out or came back late, how many times did we disagree over the household expenses, how many times did I reproach her or she reproach me; and yet the foundation of the relationship is firm, like a river full of flowing water: it may be touched by some turbidity, but when matters clear up, the true substance of the water appears as it really is.

So the Prophet's relationship with people was a relationship of love. That is why we see him, however much people angered him, never having his heart change toward anyone.

ʿIkrima ibn Abī Jahl. Remember who Abū Jahl was: the first of the enemies of Islam and the Muslims, and the greatest of the open enemies of the Prophet ﷺ, and we know his stances in the battles. ʿIkrima, the son of the first enemy of Islam, came to the Prophet ﷺ after the conquest of Makkah, after he had been told that the Prophet would pardon him. So he came in to him from a distance. Imagine that the son of your fiercest enemy, one of those who fought the call and Islam and who had many stances before his conversion, comes in on you suddenly. And behold, the Prophet ﷺ rises from his place, moves toward him, opens his arms and embraces him, saying: «مرحبًا بالراكب المهاجر» (“Welcome to the migrating rider”),^[4] as though he were saying: where to, man? Is it fitting that you leave us and walk away? And in the narrations, his wife caught up with him while he was on the shore, wanting to leave the whole Peninsula, fleeing from Muhammad, whom he thought would kill him because he knew how bad his past conduct had been; so she said to him: I sought protection for you from the Prophet ﷺ and he granted you safety, and the matter was over. So he believed her and returned, and met the Prophet ﷺ with his open chest and his natural heart. And the lecturer relates that ʿIkrima, by his nature and personality, looked at the Prophet ﷺ and said: This woman told me that you have granted me safety? He said: «صدقت» (“She spoke the truth”), then the Prophet ﷺ embraced him. You know this strong embrace, my father and mother be his ransom ﷺ. And behold, ʿIkrima sees the situation and the scene, not believing himself, and says to the Prophet ﷺ: I bear witness that there is no god but Allah and that you are the Messenger of Allah.

Up to here it is ordinary, for many did that. What is new is what he said after it: O Messenger of Allah, point me to a war being waged for Islam so that I may defend a religion I fought for so long. Let us understand the meaning of the phrase: tell me where I can defend the religion that I fought so much; I want to do something that makes up for this great store of mistakes I committed before. And my question: without the open heart of the Prophet ﷺ, would that have come from ʿIkrima now? Because of this mercy, love, affection, and the openness and expansiveness of the Prophet's heart and chest ﷺ, we can say about ʿIkrima (may Allah be pleased with him) what we say. This is the situation that changes the features of life, and what did he do? An open chest. So the foundation of the relationship the Messenger of Allah ﷺ had, let us count together, number one: love. The love by which relationships truly change.

Of course no one can claim to be an ideal person in this matter. We see situations that happen between brothers, sons of one womb and shared blood and agreed lineage and one name, and yet a man may forsake his brother for years. So what prevents us from communicating? Do you doubt that both brothers love their brother? Is it conceivable that one of them hates the other? Of course not. So what prevents it, then? Pride sometimes, and the measure of anger with which the devil wants to blind the heart's store. Then love comes and is activated for a single moment, and the mentality changes, the mentality that may have affected a person's stance and a decision he takes over the course of his life.

And ʿUmar ibn al-Khaṭṭāb (may Allah be pleased with him), what do you know about him before his conversion? He was a tender, gentle, affectionate, kind, lovely person, “cute”! Not at all; they used to say: if the donkey of al-Khaṭṭāb converted, ʿUmar would not. People were certain that this was a very hard heart. And yet in the story of his conversion, he converted because of a tear that came out of his sister's eye onto her cheek, and his heart softened at the moment the heart opened and took in the new message.^[5]

That is why the Lord of Might, glory be to Him, tells us that among the severest kinds of punishment for a person is that his heart be sealed or stamped; either the heart is sealed so it is not opened again, or it is stamped, as though a seal or a stamp were set upon it so that it does not accept opening. Here we see people whose hearts are hard, or in other words Allah has set a seal upon them. And imagine when the Lord of Might speaks to the Children of Israel, after the story of the cow, at the close of the story: ﴿ثُمَّ قَسَتْ قُلُوبُكُم مِّن بَعْدِ ذَٰلِكَ فَهِيَ كَالْحِجَارَةِ أَوْ أَشَدُّ قَسْوَةً ۚ وَإِنَّ مِنَ الْحِجَارَةِ لَمَا يَتَفَجَّرُ مِنْهُ الْأَنْهَارُ ۚ وَإِنَّ مِنْهَا لَمَا يَشَّقَّقُ فَيَخْرُجُ مِنْهُ الْمَاءُ ۚ وَإِنَّ مِنْهَا لَمَا يَهْبِطُ مِنْ خَشْيَةِ اللَّهِ﴾ (“Then your hearts became hard after that, being like stones or even harder. For indeed, there are stones from which rivers burst forth, and indeed, there are some of them that split open and water comes out, and indeed, there are some of them that fall down for fear of Allah”).^[21] Imagine all these possibilities coming out of stones and not coming out of hard hearts; stones produce that, and it does not come from the people of hard hearts.

So the point, with me once more: what heart do you carry in your chest? A loving heart or a hating one? Love and hatred are relative matters, varying among people, but what makes us hate people? Either their characters that we do not like, or their stances that harm us, or our not obtaining benefit from them to the extent we want; I need a favor from so-and-so and he is the only one able to do it, and he did not give it to me, so I hate him because he did not fulfil what I wanted from him. Or one of the people has a blameworthy trait that harms me whenever he meets me, and this harm and damage reaches me, so I hate him. And here Islam deals with such personalities. What is your stance toward this one of the mistakes? By what logic do you deal with him? By the logic of parity? And this is a culture present inside our homes: every sister wants to put her head level with her husband's, and every man puts his mind level with his wife's, so parity arises, and we disagree and quarrel and strike one another. And you know the rest of the story.

So if we arrive at this, that when hearts open, all the means of dealing, cooperation and complementarity with people open with them, then this is the first pillar.

Patience: Because People Are Disposed to Selfishness

As for the second pillar, it is patience. How did the Prophet ﷺ bear with people, and why? Our question: what makes me bear with people?

Number one: that it is one of the gates of Paradise. And the Prophet ﷺ tells us a ḥadīth whose dimensions the tongue is unable to describe: «لأن يخالط أحدكم الناس ويصبر على أذاهم خير له من أن يعتزل» (“That one of you mix with people and be patient with their harm is better for him than that he withdraw”).^[6] When a person mixes with people and bears their harm, what is the natural expectation from people: to please or to harm? What do you think? Let us go to the home country with our minds, and ride the bus together; do people get in and feel their way and treat each other gently, or does each want to take a place and snatch a seat and sit in it and hold fast and not want to get up from his spot? I am speaking about Egypt, I do not know at your place in Yemen, is it different? Or does no one find a seat? Why do people do that? Because each wants to achieve his own interest before others. And the legal term here is the matter of “athara” (selfishness), which Islam fought with another concept, “īthār” (preferring others). And why do we bear with people? Because they are the source of our good deeds. And why? Because everyone in human life wants to achieve his benefit and interest before others.

Let me tell you a scene that the Prophet ﷺ relates to us. He tells us about the last of the people of the Fire to come out of it and the last of the people of Paradise to enter it; the last one to come out of the Fire and arrive at Paradise. And the ḥadīth is beautiful and engrossing. He ﷺ says that after he comes out of the Fire he looks at it and says: Allah has given me a gift He gave to no one in all the worlds.^[7] For God's sake, can that happen? The man has barely come out of the Fire and says: Allah has given me a gift He has not given to anyone in all the worlds! Poor man, he did not see those who preceded him, he did not see anyone; he thinks he is alone in the universe. And this is what we call in English “self-centered,” a person centered on himself, caring only about himself and his interest. And I do not want to say he is selfish, so do not be angry with me, but he is a person centered on himself who looks for his own interest first.

And let us leave the home country, for we gave the example of the bus, and there are many places where people are accustomed to a certain system. But let us give the example of America: when goods run short in the market and we enter the stores to obtain them, what do you think of people's behavior? They forget that they are in America, and the innate selfishness present as an instinct in the human soul comes out. Did you see in the days of Covid, how the big stores that had stock enough for two years were? As soon as Covid was announced, and the mask, how much was it, and who could find it? Then you enter one of the stores and do not find a single roll of tissues on the shelf. Did this happen or not? Everyone comes in gathering for himself, until the stores were forced to set a limit: two items only, and restricted purchase. This is the human instinct present inside people: that they want to achieve their interests first.

And one of the biggest problems with us is that in partnerships we enter with a high ceiling of expectations; I do not think of the other party as much as I think of myself. I entered a partnership with my dear brother, and I think how much I will benefit and with what his being with me will benefit me; if he does not achieve my benefit, we disagree. And why do we say this? Because this is the origin in people, it is a nature and an instinct. So if you expect people to give you beyond what they can bear, you have wronged them and wronged yourself.

And I apply this to our homes, may Allah honor you. The wife in the house cannot do more than that, and your demands on her beyond her ability increase her inability to perform what is required. You put her in a corner she cannot flee from; you ask of her more than she can do, so a feeling of helplessness arises, and the feeling of helplessness is accompanied by shortcoming in performance, and shortcoming in performance is followed by more blame, and more blame pushes her to further decline; and the more she lowers herself, the more pressure you add. And the opposite is true: when you ask of the husband more than his financial or economic capacity, or even his mental or physical capacity, he feels inferior, so you increase the reproach, so his spirits sink and he is unable to perform, and so on.

So the matter of patience comes as a landmark of education: that the rule with you, as you deal with people, is that you bear with them. And I want to ask a simple question whose answer is one word: imagine a society in which all the people bear with one another; how many problems exist in it? Zero. How many marital disputes? Zero. How many problems between every father and his children? Zero. Why? Because the people bore with one another. That is why the station of patience and the patient was the love of Allah, glory be to Him: ﴿وَاللَّهُ يُحِبُّ الصَّابِرِينَ﴾ (“And Allah loves the steadfast”).^[22] And perhaps someone says: this is a station of which we hold nothing tangible in our hands, we did not grasp a piece of Paradise; when you told me that Allah loves the patient, I did not grasp anything in my hand. So I say: listen, because when you reach the station of love with Allah, Blessed and Exalted, the lover gives without return. Imagine that you are content with your family, and you feel ease, reassurance and tranquility, cheerful and happy, and you want to bring her a piece of the sky, and you say to her: you are in this world and the next, you are above everyone; because love expresses itself on your tongue in kind words. But if a person becomes angry, if anger occurs, gifts are withheld and the outstretched hand stops and these kinds of cooperation end. So our point is that patience, as one of the methods of the Prophet ﷺ, defined for us the features of cooperation between us and people.

How did the Prophet ﷺ bear? Among the very well-known narrations is that the Prophet ﷺ once borrowed from a Jew, and that Jew came and pulled him by his cloak... you know when someone comes to you suddenly and grabs you by the shoulder and says: give me my money! And he says: you people are procrastinators; you delay. Imagine, this is an insult, when someone tells you that you are of the people of procrastination; this is a taunt that is not acceptable, he does not taunt you alone but taunts all your people. And behold, the Prophet ﷺ turns, and ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with him), whose nature is well known, wants to deal with the man (and the wording is garbled in the transcript), so the Prophet ﷺ calms ʿUmar's agitation and says: «كنتُ أنا وهو أولى بغير هذا منك؛ كنتَ أحقَّ أن تنصحني بحسن الأداء، وأن تنصحه بحسن الطلب» (“He and I were in need of something other than this from you; you should have advised me to pay well, and advised him to ask well”).^[8] This charge present in the Prophet's soul ﷺ at that time, and he is a human being, peace and blessings be upon him, where did it go out? It did not go out toward the other party nor toward the intermediary, it went out toward no one; it went out in the wrong situation. So the Prophet ﷺ considered an excuse that he did not know in his companion who had come to demand from him, but he said: this is a demand in a somewhat harsh manner, so he addressed ʿUmar, teaching the man through his words to ʿUmar.

Then imagine, if one of you went in to his wife to speak with her about some matter while she is holding food, the food in her hand, and she got up and smashed the plate on the ground. Do what you will, but without bringing out that lovely authentic Yemeni vein, and the Upper Egyptian one among us. How do you behave? Your wife got up and smashed the plate on the ground, what is your stance? How do you act? That's it, Allah is Forbearing. And then, he is our reference in the first place: he said ten years; it came out ten years, correct.

The Prophet ﷺ was not alone; one of his wives sent him food while he was sitting with his companions, with some of the young Companions around him, and he is the supreme model by whom examples are set among people. And ʿĀʾisha (may Allah be pleased with her) looks at the dish that came from the house of her co-wife, and becomes furious, so she took the plate and got up and smashed it on the ground. And behold, the Prophet ﷺ smiles and looks at his companions and says: «غارت أمُّكم» (“Your mother was jealous”).^[9] Just that, O Messenger of Allah? There's no “you are this and that”? No couple of words? No setback or anything? Well, tell us how you treated the matter with utmost simplicity.

If anger is present in your mind and intellect and faculties, you must review how you will carry it out. And where is our problem? That our reactions come out quickly and without thought and directly to the other party, so we do not look for any other sources, so we immediately respond, evil for evil, word for word, stance for stance. And the Prophet ﷺ teaches us a methodology of thinking. How was the thinking? First he perceived the instinct present, so he put his hand on the locus of the flaw, which is not a flaw so much as a nature that prevailed and came out directly and in excess. And what is this instinct? The instinct of jealousy. And does the wife have the right to be jealous of her co-wife? She has the right. Well, how does she vent this jealousy? So she let it out by breaking the plate. Number two: is the harm psychological or tangible? Material or moral? The harm that occurred is material, consisting of a plate with food in it.

So when he told his companions, saying: «غارت أمُّكم», “Your mother was jealous,” “Your mother was jealous,” she (may Allah be pleased with her) felt ashamed and said: O Messenger of Allah, what is the expiation for what I did?^[10] Is it natural that she asks about expiation or that she apologizes? Well, whom did she wrong? Let us analyze the situation: when she broke the plate, whom did she wrong? The one who sent the plate? Or the children who would have eaten? Or the man waiting for dinner? Or her husband, whose prestige might fall before the people because of her action? Whom did she wrong? Who most? The husband most. So when she asked the question she said: what is the expiation for what I did? This expiation, is it directed to people or to Allah? As though she were saying: my seeking forgiveness from Allah is an admission on my part of the wrong to the one who has more right than you to forgiveness being sought. So did the Prophet ﷺ reject that or accept this speech from her? The Prophet ﷺ said: «إناءٌ بإناء، وطعامٌ بطعام» (“A vessel for a vessel, and food for food”).^[11] An easy solution, we finished the matter, the case was finished. He said two words to her and the narrations end, the matter is finished. But let us think together: “a vessel for a vessel” means what? We will go and buy a plate in place of the plate that was there and that broke. Fine. And the second dimension: “food for food.” Who makes the food? Who makes food like the food that came first and was broken? And you know that Lady ʿĀʾisha was very skilled at cooking? What do you know? No; that was not her craft, that was not her craft.

If a woman who cooks well and prepares food at the required level, and her co-wife sent her food from her house, would she be jealous? No. Right? No. Why? Because we have entered a competition, so she says: come, come, mama, come here, look at her delicious or melting or lopsided food, look what she sent you; completely confident in herself. So jealousy does not occur if competences are equal. When do I feel jealous of a brother, for example? When he comes to me at the mosque and the people stand and he gives a lesson and so on, so I feel I am less and that my performance is less. But if I sense that there is a parallel relationship, I am sitting beside him with my head held high, and I speak with people with strength, and it is said: please, brother, lead us in prayer, and I am a man full of confidence, then jealousy does not occur. Jealousy occurs at the feeling of lack, lowliness and fewness. And I do not describe the believers with that, because the setting we are speaking about is empty talk, this is merely food; and if it were present now we would do “delivery.” “A vessel for a vessel” is easy; its blood-price is two dinars, my master, we go and buy another vessel and send it. But “food for food,” no, no; food is not compensated with its like except by its maker. So it was as though he said to her: what you did is not for me but for the owner of the food.

So on what did he raise her and raise the rest of the people? On respecting the standing of people even when they are absent, respecting people's dignity even if they are not present. And why in the first place did Allah forbid backbiting and slander for us? Because people are not present, so we do not speak in their absence. Agreed.

Then the lecturer continued: how did the Prophet ﷺ bear? He bore with a man pulling him by his cloak. And another enters upon the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and says: O Muhammad, give me from the wealth of Allah, for it is not your wealth nor your father's wealth.^[12] And I always imagine myself in the place of one who is told: “It is neither your money nor your father's money, give me from what you have!” For God's sake, is this logic?! And behold, the Prophet ﷺ gives him, then gives him, then gives him, until what was in his hands ran out and he had nothing, and the man still asks for more. And he spoke about the Prophet ﷺ in a way that offended the Companions and stirred up their resentment, and behold, the Prophet ﷺ takes him by the hand and enters his room with him and gives him. Imagine what is in the Prophet's room ﷺ that he would give him! Is there something in the room that pleases you so you take it with you: a prayer rug, a sitting set, a “entrée”? Need to take the shower? Go up and take what you want! So he gave the man until he was content. And his contentment was not from conviction that he had taken what he wanted, but he was content because he found no more than that. Like one who brings out everything in his pocket for you and says: that's it, I have nothing left, so you say: all right, fine, let me go, because he has nothing more than that.

So when he was content, he spoke of the Prophet ﷺ with a good ḥadīth, so he spoke of the Prophet's generosity and munificence; and behold, the Prophet ﷺ says to him: could you, with your permission, please, say these same two words before the people outside, for you stirred up their resentment against you. So is he afraid for himself and his prestige and his standing among the Companions, or afraid for the man that harm might touch him from them, even with a word?

Here the features of patience come to define for us a set of important points. The first point: that we are dealing with people in whom the origin is selfishness (athara) and not preferring others (īthār); because if īthār were the origin, we would not be rewarded for it. Imagine that we say to people today: friends, we have a project to be a crucible for graduating imams, and the place is not enough for us, and one of them has a large sum in his account and does not agree to take anything out of it. Is this one's origin selfishness or preferring others? Īthār is giving without limit, and athara is withholding and miserliness: ﴿وَمَن يُوقَ شُحَّ نَفْسِهِ فَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ﴾ (“And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his own soul, it is those who will be the successful”). So the origin in people is selfishness, everyone wants to hide what he has and not give it, so Allah, Exalted, gave reward to those who prefer others and mentioned their state: ﴿وَيُؤْثِرُونَ عَلَىٰ أَنفُسِهِمْ وَلَوْ كَانَ بِهِمْ خَصَاصَةٌ ۚ وَمَن يُوقَ شُحَّ نَفْسِهِ فَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ﴾ (“And they give preference over themselves, even though they are in privation. And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his own soul, it is those who will be the successful”).^[23] So you are dealing with human beings whose origin is selfishness, whose origin is love of self not love of others, priority of the self not priority of others' interests. And it is natural that these are the features of the personality in front of you. And as I go, I know that I am dealing with this person, and he may show me another face, and he may have overcome these instincts of his in some way, but the origin remains, and in crises you see this selfishness. So if you are before a type of people like this, remember the tool with which we drill, the “drill” or “shinyoor,” as we say in Egyptian. We use the drill to bore wood, so do we use the same bit to bore iron? And to bore cement? Why do we change it? Because of the difference in the material we are dealing with. So before I go to the thing I will deal with, I go prepared with the suitable tool. So with human beings we have known the nature of these people: among them are the patient, the forbearing, the wrathful, the selfish, the generous, the brave and the coward; we have known the natures of people.

And this tool, in our case, is my tongue, the expresser of the hidden contents of my heart. There are people, when we sit and talk, imagine, you gentlemen, the way in which we explain the subject: if I were saying this subject to graduate students, would I say it with the same examples and citations? Or with a different method and a different way, and we would put points and words and many proofs and scholars' sayings on the issues, and a very big job? Why? Because the mind receiving it has a different task. And we are now in a lesson; one of our teachers used to say: the lesson is surface-to-surface missiles, from you to the people, they respond to you and you speak and you go back and forth together in the topics. As for the Friday sermon, it is a surface-to-air missile: it goes out from a single source and there is no return.

And the point is that what first convinces you to bear with people and their states is that people in themselves have as their origin the instincts that Allah, Mighty and Majestic, composed in them, and the origin in them is that they look for their own interests before the interests of others. So why do people do this? Because I am like that; I too am one of the people, and I have the same instincts and the same faculties and the same desires. So he is not worse than me, and I am not better than him; I may have overcome myself, and so may he. So we bear with people because the origin in them is these traits. And hence Allah, Blessed and Exalted, made the reward for whoever opposes these original traits in himself and becomes generous and brave and bold.

Understanding: To Understand Well the One in Front of You

Then we move to understanding, which is the third pillar. And the lecturer asked those present to help him define it. What is the meaning of understanding? I am trying to look for a definition of it and I do not find one. Imagine the iPhone 15: do they use the old charger in it or did they change it to “Type-C,” like a Samsung charger? Would it work for me to bring this charger to charge a phone whose port has changed? Why? Because there is no understanding between them. So understanding, if we wanted a simple definition of it, is the harmonization between ideas and the words that express feelings. So people enter with one another into a kind of psychological, intellectual, logical, mental and comprehension-related compatibility. And you tell me: studies?! Man, studies, we are very grown people. So what is understanding? That I understand the nature of the one in front of me.

And when we were speaking about patience, we said that patience has no verbal outcome so far; patience is something that happens inside you, and on its basis understanding occurs. Did you know why I mentioned the word understanding? Because it follows from patience. So understanding is good dealing with the other party in the work before me: I saw you angry, why? So I expressed. The Prophet ﷺ said: «غارت أمُّكم» (“Your mother was jealous”), for he was able to enter the mind and heart so as to put a word that matches the psychological state the woman was in at that time. But I, what do I say? I say: you have always been stupid, you have never understood! This is slander, I mean slander. Agreed, there is no use. Why did I say this? Because I did not understand the other party well. So what is the outcome of this speech? When you say to the other party in front of you: you are stupid, he replies to you with what? By God, does he say to you: I am sorry and I apologize, I did not understand the matter in the first place, I will do such-and-such? This may happen with a slave, no offense, whom you feed so that he works (so it is in the transcript); but that one dealing with you at your own human level should respond at the same level does not happen.

And the point is that understanding is the hallmark of dealing between parties. That is why you saw the Qur'anic evidence when the Lord of Might, glory be to Him, teaches us how to deal, and says describing the believers: ﴿أَذِلَّةٍ عَلَى … أَعِزَّةٍ عَلَى …﴾ (“humble toward … mighty against …”).^[24] When we said: I do not want understanding, there is no understanding between me and you, we are enemies; I do not need to come to an understanding with you because between us is a state of enmity, so I have this might that makes me stop speaking. But when each of the believers needed the other party, the deliberate humility became the demeanor realized in the world of people. What does humility mean? Someone depict the scene for us: I am before the Shaykh humble, whatever you command me I do, every word of yours is accepted by me, every gesture is above my head, and there is never any objection from the humble to the one above him. Up to here we agree. Well, imagine the two, each of them humbling himself to his friend, so each of them wants the other party to feel that he is the higher. I magnify you and you magnify me. So what scene depicts this speech for us? Two generous men standing before the cashier, which of them pays? Imagine. Or two generous rich men standing before the cashier over a meal or a cup of coffee, who pays? Because the two are generous. It will be a “scuffle”! Take the scene in the good and sound intention of its people, and realize it among us: if we were going in at the door, two companions, friends who love each other, who enters first? After you. No by God, by God you enter. Did you see the speech? Each of them wants to magnify his friend's standing. Yes, each of them wants to magnify his own standing.

And you can imagine that your daughter's husband came telling you a problem between him and the daughter, or your daughter speaks with her mother-in-law about a problem between her and her son, so who is the victor in this battle? I will support my daughter against this boy! And sometimes matters rise to a great degree, and there may be a quarrel, and there may be divorce, and there may be estrangement and courts and stories. Why? Because I magnified one of the parties over the other; because the first party is mine. But if we dealt with the logic of understanding, which is magnifying the other party over what I have, I would deal with fairness: so I stand beside him first even if the other party is the one in the right, then I return to the one in the right and teach him and raise him to patience with this, then I come to him after the situation calms and the position is settled to tell him that what he did was not right. How is it dealt with this way? This is the wisdom found among people.

Kind Speech: The Word Is the First Thing to Educate

So we said that we have love, and we have patience, and we have understanding. And the last matter: how do we express this understanding? Allah, Exalted, said: ﴿وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا﴾ (“And speak to people good words”), and the verse is in Sūrat al-Baqara. ﴿وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا وَأَقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَآتُوا الزَّكَاةَ ثُمَّ تَوَلَّيْتُمْ … وَأَنتُم مُّعْرِضُونَ﴾ (“And speak to people good words, and establish prayer and give zakāh. Then you turned away … and you were refusing”).^[25]

And here is the point we want to reach: “Establish prayer and give zakāh,” is it obligatory or voluntary? What do you think? When expressions come with the same formulation in the implication of the imperative form between two joined commands, “establish the prayer” and “give the zakāh,” is one of them obligatory and the second voluntary, or do they take the same ruling? You can say that the same ruling holds consistently for what precedes them. And what came before them? ﴿وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا﴾ (“And speak to people good words”). So if kind speech is joined with establishing prayer and giving zakāh, it becomes an obligation. Imagine that someone had understood this matter before, from among the people who deal with this arrogance and this stubbornness and this pride and this harshness! Did anyone realize that Allah commanded him with a command to speak well to people: ﴿وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا وَأَقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَآتُوا الزَّكَاةَ﴾ (“And speak to people good words, and establish prayer and give zakāh”)? Then the Lord of the Worlds rebukes them: ﴿ثُمَّ تَوَلَّيْتُمْ وَأَنتُم مُّعْرِضُونَ﴾ (“Then you turned away, and you were refusing”), that is, they gave no attention to the command.

He does not want to apply this speech because he sees himself as higher than others. How did I deduce this? Did they not say: “ليس علينا في الأميّين…” (“There is no blame upon us concerning the unlettered…”);^[26] these are some people beneath us, and we are the greater and higher. What are you talking about? I am better than all these people. And so they turned away from the command of Allah, Blessed and Exalted, to them and to us, that we speak to people with good. And kind speech has many interpretations among the exegetes, and some of them interpreted it as justice in verbal logic and overall implications, and so on, meaning by the implication of the other text: ﴿وَإِذَا قُلْتُمْ فَاعْدِلُوا﴾ (“And when you speak, be just”).^[13]

And the point in the speech is that the words that come out of our tongues are what settle disputes or increase kinds of agreement; they settle disagreement or increase agreement. And the Prophet ﷺ, how many times in his life did he get angry and insult a person? (I hear someone saying: I seek refuge in Allah! And why? For we are speaking about a human soul from which such-and-such may issue. He said to me: no, because he is an educator. So we say: I seek refuge in Allah, as our brother kindly said, because nothing would issue from him that contradicts the command of the Qur'an.) So it never came from him ﷺ that he insulted anyone. He supplicated against some people, but even the supplication was a polite supplication in the formulation of its words. And the greatest thing that harms the people around you is that you assault them with your tongue. So if you assault with your tongue: the tongue and its speech and the implications of words, and the one receiving them is the mind, which influences the heart, so what does the heart do? It changes. And if the heart changes, its return comes back to the brain, so it translates this anger into a bad idea, so its translator comes forth with bad words, so the person receives a bad word with a heart that becomes angry because of it, so it turns into an idea that changes the paths of thinking, then it launches to the tongue again expressing. So the speech goes back and forth. Do you see this cycle? The speech comes straight to the heart, changes the mind, the mind comes out on the tongue, and we keep cursing one another until the end of the day. That is why you see people's anger expressing the contents of hearts. And I have gone on too long for you, I ask Allah to forgive me and overlook us, O Lord of the Worlds.

The Prophet ﷺ presented to people the good example in his own person; no evil issued from him, he did not deal with anyone with transgression, he did not get angry in a situation that diminishes his stature ﷺ, and he did not assault anyone's property or any right. He ﷺ taught people the example in all deeds; as we mentioned he bore with them, and he was humble toward people, speaking with them as they speak, even in the legal text: when he found that the people before him spoke in another dialect or a different language, he spoke to them in their dialect and language. Do you remember the very famous ḥadīth: «ليس من امبرِّ امصيامُ في امسفر» (“It is not of righteousness to fast while traveling”)^[14]? Do you remember this text, with the “m” in place of “l”? Why? Because those who were hearing it, in their dialect they turn the “l” into an “m,” so the Prophet spoke to them in what agreed with their hearing, and he did not want to change anything for them, and had he spoken in the origin of his language ﷺ and his natural expression they would also have understood, for they are people of eloquence and intellect and knowledge and experience of the language and rhetoric... and so on, but the Prophet ﷺ wanted to draw close to them psychologically. He wanted to draw close to them psychologically, so he spoke to them in their own language.

And imagine that a man meets the Prophet ﷺ, and the man trembles from the awe of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and behold, the Prophet ﷺ says to him: «هوِّن عليك، هوِّن عليك؛ فإني لستُ بملك، إنما أنا ابن امرأة من قريش كانت تأكل القديد» (“Take it easy, take it easy; for I am not a king, I am only the son of a woman of Quraysh who used to eat dried meat”).^[15] Does anyone speak about his mother like this? Does anyone speak about his mother like this? “I am only the son of a woman of Quraysh who used to eat dried meat.” Eating dried meat, is it an indication of wealth and might, or of poverty and need? Humility in social and material condition, we have no problems, so why do you see yourself...? So he raises that man's standing to the point that he puts him on a par with his mother ﷺ in condition. So he was humble toward people and dealt with them with a kind of gentleness.

And the Prophet ﷺ never preferred himself with anything over anyone among people, but rather gave, and the description by which he was described, peace and blessings be upon him, was that he gave “the giving of one who does not fear…”.^[16] And those who hold people back from spending are only held back by their fear of tomorrow and their saving for the next day; we cannot understand that tomorrow is in the hand of Allah, and that the One who provided at the first will provide at the last, and that the One who withholds provision from people is the One who extends it to them, and that He, glory be to Him, the Exalted, does what He wills, exalted be He on high. So the point is that the Prophet ﷺ gave people by spending, presenting a model and example, and he used to spend in Ramadan like the blowing wind,^[17] may Allah send blessings and abundant peace upon him.

Conclusion and a Question from the Audience

And here the lecturer said that he would conclude with what had been said and review it with them in a minute, then questions would be received. How many items did we have today? Number one: love. And two: patience. And three: understanding. And four: kind speech, choosing the wording, the good word. You say to your wife: you are the lady of everyone, is there anyone like you, could I find anyone else, you are my fortune from the whole world. Two words, you know, that melt the ice, man! Our problem is that we speak words whose dimensions we do not know until after the consequences occur. All right, we'll pass over it. Send blessings upon the Guide, the bearer of glad tidings.

Then a question was put to him whose text was not clear in the transcript, and it appears from his answer that it was about applying this rule with relatives and parents when they cause harm. So he said: we are speaking about obedience that has a kind of ease because it has a mutual understanding going back and forth; but harm involves damage to the self, so it has a kind of struggle and wrestling of the self until it is overcome, then the furthest stage is that I invite you to a meal and sit with you. And if we apply this rule with parents while they harm their children... the Prophet ﷺ, when he was asked about the man who maintains ties with kin who harm him, meaning his family who harm him, said: «فكأنما تُسِفُّهم المَلّ» (“It is as though you are making them swallow hot ashes”).^[18] And the Prophet ﷺ expressed by this implication: is maintaining kinship ever except in cases of hardship? So when there are cases of harmony and understanding, and we two give each other, then we have no problem.

Then he said that the Shaykh had asked that the lesson be concluded so they could pray the Sunnah prayer, and he asked Allah, glory be to Him, the Exalted, to reward us and reward those present and be pleased with us and with them, and to make us and them firm, and to forgive us what issued from us that was wrong, and he ended with the salutation.

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: Narrated by al-Bukhārī and Muslim from the ḥadīth of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), in similar wording. ^[2]: Editor's documentation: In the transcript: “When Anas's father and his family came… and they offered the money,” then the name “Zayd” passed over the lecturer's tongue and other speech cut it off. And the well-known story of the boy's family ransoming him and his choosing to remain with the Prophet ﷺ is the story of Zayd ibn Ḥāritha (may Allah be pleased with him); and in the transcript there is confusion in attributing it between Anas and Zayd (and the name Zayd passed over the lecturer's tongue and then other speech cut it off), so only the incident was retained without naming its subject. ^[3]: Editor's documentation: The lecturer cited the verse of poetry bare, without attribution, and it is well known on people's tongues; it was not attributed in the transcript. ^[4]: Narrated by al-Tirmidhī in similar wording, and scholars have commentary on its chain (editor's documentation; the lecturer did not attribute it). As for the lecturer's detail on the embrace and on ʿIkrima's request “point me to a war,” it is from his own narration in the lecture, and the editor did not verify it. ^[5]: Editor's documentation: The well-known details in the books of biography on the conversion of ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with him) differ from what the lecturer reported about the tear; his words were transferred as attributed to him. As for the phrase “if the donkey of al-Khaṭṭāb converted,” it was transferred as the lecturer said it, and the editor did not verify its existence in a source. ^[6]: Editor's documentation: The wording of the ḥadīth in al-Tirmidhī and Ibn Mājah from the ḥadīth of Ibn ʿUmar is: “The believer who mixes with people and is patient with their harm has a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and is not patient with their harm”; the lecturer's wording has been transferred here as he said it. ^[7]: Narrated by Muslim from the ḥadīth of Ibn Masʿūd (may Allah be pleased with him) on the last of the people of the Fire to come out (editor's documentation: the preserved wording is “Allah has given me something He gave to no one of the first and the last,” and the lecturer's wording has been transferred here). ^[8]: Narrated by Ibn Mājah and Aḥmad in similar wording (editor's documentation; the lecturer did not attribute it). The detail of “the people of procrastination” and the generalization of the taunt to the people is from his narration in the lecture. ^[9]: Editor's documentation: Narrated by al-Bukhārī from the ḥadīth of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him). ^[10]: Narrated by al-Nasāʾī from the ḥadīth of ʿĀʾisha (may Allah be pleased with her) in similar wording (editor's documentation; the lecturer did not attribute it). ^[11]: Editor's documentation: Narrated by al-Bukhārī from the ḥadīth of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him). As for the interpretation of “a vessel for a vessel and food for food” and what he built on it concerning the sanctity of the absent, it is the lecturer's own reasoning, transferred as attributed to him. ^[12]: Narrated by al-Bukhārī and Muslim from the ḥadīth of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) concerning the Bedouin who pulled his cloak (editor's documentation; the lecturer did not attribute it). As for his giving him until what he had ran out and his asking him to repeat the statement before the Companions, Abū Dāwūd and Aḥmad narrated it in similar wording from the ḥadīth of Abū Hurayra, and scholars have commentary on its chain. ^[13]: Editor's documentation: The reference to the statement of those who interpreted “ḥusnan” as justice in speech was mentioned by the lecturer in summary without naming those who said it, and his saying “And when you speak, be just” he cited as evidence; it is in Sūrat al-Anʿām 6:152 (attribution by the editor). ^[14]: Narrated by Aḥmad from the ḥadīth of Kaʿb ibn ʿĀṣim al-Ashʿarī (may Allah be pleased with him) (editor's documentation; the lecturer did not attribute it). ^[15]: Narrated by Ibn Mājah and al-Ḥākim from the ḥadīth of Abū Masʿūd (may Allah be pleased with him) in similar wording (editor's documentation; the lecturer did not attribute it). ^[16]: Editor's documentation: It is reported in Muslim from the ḥadīth of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) that he “used to give the giving of one who does not fear poverty”; the lecturer did not attribute it. ^[17]: Editor's documentation: Narrated by al-Bukhārī and Muslim from the ḥadīth of Ibn ʿAbbās (may Allah be pleased with them both) to the effect that he ﷺ was most generous in Ramadan. ^[18]: Editor's documentation: Narrated by Muslim from the ḥadīth of Abū Hurayra (may Allah be pleased with him). ^[19]: Editor's documentation: The two verses are from Sūrat al-Najm 53:3-4; the lecturer did not mention their location. ^[20]: Editor's documentation: Sūrat al-Rūm 30:21; the lecturer did not mention its location. ^[21]: Editor's documentation: Sūrat al-Baqara 2:74; the lecturer indicated that it comes after the story of the cow without mentioning the verse number. ^[22]: Editor's documentation: Sūrat Āl ʿImrān 3:146; the lecturer did not mention its location. ^[23]: Editor's documentation: Sūrat al-Ḥashr 59:9; the lecturer did not mention its location. ^[24]: Editor's documentation: The lecturer pronounced “humble toward…” and “mighty against…” and fell silent without completing them; the completion of the verse is from Sūrat al-Māʾida 5:54: “أَذِلَّةٍ عَلَى الْمُؤْمِنِينَ أَعِزَّةٍ عَلَى الْكَافِرِينَ” (“humble toward the believers, mighty against the disbelievers”). The lecturer did not mention its location. ^[25]: Editor's documentation: Sūrat al-Baqara 2:83 (the lecturer mentioned the sūrah without the verse number), and the completion of the verse is: “ثُمَّ تَوَلَّيْتُمْ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا مِّنكُمْ وَأَنتُم مُّعْرِضُونَ” (“Then you turned away, except a few of you, and you were refusing”); the lecturer did not pronounce the exception. ^[26]: Editor's documentation: The phrase is from the verse in Āl ʿImrān 3:75 “لَيْسَ عَلَيْنَا فِي الْأُمِّيِّينَ سَبِيلٌ” (“There is no blame upon us concerning the unlettered”); the lecturer pronounced it in truncated form in a garbled transcript.