Good Companionship in Marriage (2)

Occasion: A summary of a Friday khuṭbah delivered at the American Imams Academy Masjid on May 3, 2024.Source: A transcription of a video khuṭbah by Dr. Ahmed Abouseif — Watch the original video on YouTube

Praise be to Allah; we praise Him, seek His help, seek His guidance and seek His forgiveness, and we seek refuge in Allah from the evils of our souls and from our bad deeds. Whomever Allah guides, none can lead astray, and whomever He leaves astray, none can guide. We bear witness that there is no god but Allah alone, without partner, and that Muhammad is His servant, His Prophet and His Messenger ﷺ. To proceed:

I see that the attendance today is larger than before, and I see that many responded to the title and topic of the khuṭbah at our last meeting. This is a sign of people's concern for the uprightness of their homes, the stability of their lives, and the bonding of family members with one another in the most complete way. It is also a sign that many of us are exhausted by the state we sometimes live in: the disagreement between us and our spouses, and seeing the faces of our children suddenly go dark when their mother and I disagree. This desire among people is an indicator of awake consciences, souls that are stirring and hearts that beat with life, though sometimes with execution suspended.

What Came Before, and Where We Begin Today

At the last meeting we reminded ourselves that in the world of family life there are pivotal axes; if we control them, we control the edges. The first: that the purpose of marriage is not clear enough for many, and that some imagine having a wife in their life as having a slave-girl, a servant working for them, or a slave with whom they do as they please; and this is not a clear conception of marriage. The second: the price one imagines paying before entering this partnership: is it a material price, an intellectual one, a psychological one, a physical one, or is the answer all of the above? The third: that being self-satisfied with my own personality never negates the other party having a role in life. And we pointed to an example of that: the Mother of the Believers Khadījah, may Allah be pleased with her, whose story needs a detailed study in dedicated sessions.

Today we begin the first step toward a safe, happy life, and we have titled it "the safety valve of homes." What is a safety valve? It is the lock that, when present, lets no one in and no one out, so a person sleeps safe and at peace. So what is this lock on the door of the home? One word: devotion to Allah.

The Goal: That We Be Happy, Not Miserable

From the very beginning: ﴿طه ۝ مَا أَنزَلْنَا عَلَيْكَ الْقُرْآنَ لِتَشْقَىٰ﴾ [Ṭā Hā: 1–2] (Ṭā Hā. We did not send down the Qur'an to you that you be distressed). If it was not sent down for us to be miserable, then what is the opposite of misery? Happiness. Allah created us and sent down for us the Qur'an, which is the sum of the details of Islam, with its marriage and divorce, its earning and everything in it, and it is summed up in one word: that we be happy. Marriage and family life are part of this system. Do I enter marriage to be miserable or to be happy? To be happy.

So how do we describe this happiness? Is it an intellectual act: that I am convinced the person before me represents the partner I dream of, I see in her all the specifications, and she walks by the ruler and never errs? If that were the case, I would bring a better robot that moves by command and assignment. Is happiness an intellectual matter, calculations of one plus one? Or is it a psychological matter? Most likely, a person's happiness and feeling of ease is something that moves within him.

Does psychological feeling require intellectual conviction? No; a person may be psychologically at ease while doing something wrong. Consider a man who smokes two cigarettes knowing with certainty that he is doing something wrong, and yet he is very pleased and content. And the like of him are those who take drugs with their heads in the clouds: they are psychologically at ease.

Let us move to the right side. You walk with your Muslim brother to meet a need of his, at a time when you need that time for something else. The mind says: take care of your own affairs first. But psychologically you are at ease, because you feel that with every step you are earning reward, favor and standing with Allah. So a soul at rest does what pleases it.

That is why you see, in the words of the Lord of Might: ﴿وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا﴾ [al-Rūm: 21] (And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them). He, glory be to Him, did not say "intellectually," nor did He speak of a degree of understanding, or of calculations being exact, or that we wake up at such-and-such an hour and sleep at such-and-such an hour. These are not the measures of happiness. You are content: food full of garlic and too salty is laid out for you, and you eat it as if it were honey. And another, if they brought him food sent down from Paradise and put it in front of him, would be irritated and displeased, because he is psychologically unsettled.

What Joins the Spouses Together?

So what makes the soul good in both parties? We need a good soul in the husband and in the wife together. What is the common denominator between them? If we tried to find a shared bond between two spouses, we would find nothing constant except one thing. Is it education? Both may have graduated from engineering school, and we have many engineers here, but are the common denominators one hundred percent shared? Impossible. Do both work as doctors? Or as pilots? Impossible. The only denominator that joins both parties is devotion to Allah.

That is why the Prophet ﷺ said to the men: «أَخَذْتُمُوهُنَّ بِأَمَانَةِ اللَّهِ، وَاسْتَحْلَلْتُمْ فُرُوجَهُنَّ بِكَلِمَةِ اللَّهِ» ("You have taken them on the trust of Allah, and made their intimacy lawful by the word of Allah").^[1] So the common denominator is Allah, glory be to Him.

Picture a triangle: the husband on one side and the wife on the other, and both are connected to the Lord of Might, and we concluded the contract on the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger. Above, at the apex, my point of reference is my Lord, and from Him a line comes down to each of us. If the relationship between me and my Lord is connected, and between her and her Lord is connected, the line between us on the third side is connected. And if it is cut from here or from there, the line between us is cut at once. That is why I can almost swear that in the cases of disputes between spouses that come to us, there is a disturbance in one of them's relationship with his Lord, or one of them has done something by which he disobeyed Allah. Of course, I have every respect for psychological, intellectual and temperamental differences, backgrounds and experiences; but by Allah, besides whom there is no god, no sooner do you convince both parties to devote themselves to Allah well than relationships return in the loftiest way.

Why? Because then the phrase "Fear Allah" works. If a man is told "Fear Allah," he is afraid and turns back. And what pleases you? Taqwā of Allah, glory be to Him. And if a woman is told "Fear your Lord," she is sometimes upset: so how do I please Him? This is within the framework of submission to Allah, Mighty and Majestic, so that a person sees no standing for himself except being a servant of the Lord of the worlds.

Qiwāmah Is Devotion, Not Distinction

In this context I mention what there was of a state of rebellion among many of our sisters. I remember that I was once fiercely attacked because I mentioned something on this subject, and I meant nothing by it except that we reflect. And I ask: what authority does a man hold over his wife? He holds the authority of qiwāmah (guardianship). Is qiwāmah in its origin devotion to Allah, or a human distinction? Am I of a white race and she of a green race? Or is qiwāmah in itself devotion to the Lord of the worlds, glory be to Him?

To picture the matter: you are in your office, your workshop or your shop, and two people come in to you: one wearing a hoodie, dressed casually, and the other wearing a suit and tie and speaking formally. How do you deal with each of them? With the second you stand to attention, and with the first you deal normally. So by what logic do I deal with my wife? As the worker in our employ? As the one who cleans the house? As the slave-girl I brought to raise the children? Or as my wife, my life partner, and one of Allah's creatures, whose Maker and Creator I am obliged to respect? The point is that I consider that I am dealing with a creature like myself, who has the like of what I have and owes the like of what I owe. And we were commanded before that: ﴿وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ﴾ [al-Nisāʾ: 19] (And live with them in kindness). The whole matter is a matter of devotion in the first place.

So let us review together: the default in life is happiness, not misery. The components of happiness are psychological: ﴿لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا﴾ ("that you may find tranquility in them"). The landmarks are very clear in the Qur'anic expressions. And this happiness comes from my understanding that I am dealing with a human being with whom I worship Allah. If one of us errs, he must first apologize to Allah for having wronged his companion, then seek to reconcile with the other party. So our motto is that we seek Allah's forgiveness, and then the Lord of the worlds lowers His sheltering care over this home.

Why Sūrat al-Baqarah? And Why Every Three Days?

I asked a question before, and I repeat it: what is the point of the Prophet's ﷺ counsel that Sūrat al-Baqarah be recited in the home, and that the house in which Sūrat al-Baqarah is recited is not entered by Satan? How many days? Three days.^[2] Let us analyze the texts: why Sūrat al-Baqarah, and not Sūrat al-Nisāʾ, for example, when we are talking about homes? And why not Sūrat al-Ṭalāq, since it makes us fear and stops us at our limits? And why this time arrangement: three days, and why not a week? We pray Jumuʿah every week. So what is the link between the choice of the surah and the number of days?

We say: Sūrat al-Baqarah works through several frameworks. The first framework: creating the inner drive for daʿwah and concern for calling to Allah, and concern for the Muslim ummah from the very beginning; in it is Adam, his mistake and what we should do in light of it, and in it are the negative experiences of the Children of Israel and what we should not plunge into. So it forms in your mind that you are occupied in your life with something greater than that.

Whoever's head is occupied with a great concern does not turn to trivial things. Have you seen someone who has a court appointment tomorrow morning, or a medical board exam, or a license renewal, and then asks his wife: why didn't you wipe the table? He has no time for such talk. After the exam we start looking for the table and the cobweb on the ceiling.

Then we move to establishing the rites: how many rites are mentioned in Sūrat al-Baqarah? Prayer, zakāh, fasting and Ḥajj, so much so that the new moons are ﴿مَوَاقِيتُ لِلنَّاسِ وَالْحَجِّ﴾ [al-Baqarah: 189] ("times appointed for people and for Ḥajj"), and ﴿الْحَجُّ أَشْهُرٌ مَّعْلُومَاتٌ﴾ [al-Baqarah: 197] ("Ḥajj is in well-known months"). Then the dealings within Muslim society. So, by Allah, will someone who reviews this curriculum every three days be preoccupied with whether there is too much or too little salt in the food? And will a woman who reviews it every three days have as her concern achieving what she achieves in small matters? It is as though the Prophet ﷺ, conveying from the Lord of Might, wants to fill the minds of Muslims with the greater goals in life. I am not small, looking for empty talk; my concern is greater than that, whether I am a man or a woman.

Prayer in the Home

Where is prayer in the system of family life, and how far can we hold ourselves to account for it? How many men and women are keen on it together? If a man does not perform his prayer in the mosque, let him perform it in congregation with his wife: that you say to her, come, let us pray together. Let prayer be established in the home, let the children gather for it, let the voice of the Qur'an be raised, let the adhān and iqāmah be heard, and let there be constant seeking of forgiveness toward Allah. The one who is called in his home with "Come to prayer, come to success" will not respond to his friend at school when he says to him: come, let's smoke two cigarettes, or let's go around with such-and-such a girl. You have accustomed his ear to one voice and a specific way of dealing.

And so that some do not feel pained, thinking we are too late because our children have reached a certain age or have drifted away in some way: as long as you pray to Allah for your children's guidance, our Lord has promised that He answers whoever calls on Him, so pray for them. In addition to that, there is shared supplication; and I am one of those who fall short in this matter. That you sit in your home, raise your hands and call upon Allah while your children around you say āmīn. Imagine that! And for some of us qiwāmah hurts somewhat, making him ask: am I lesser or greater? Imagine raising your hands in the home while your children say āmīn, as if you were the key to relief from the Lord of the worlds between them and Allah; and of course not, I seek Allah's forgiveness, we do not exaggerate in this. But the psychological feeling of saying āmīn behind our father's voice, or our mother in the home raising her hands and supplicating while everyone says āmīn: the state of psychological stability comes only through connection with Allah.

I say these words of mine, and I seek Allah's forgiveness for myself and for you.

Good Men for Good Women

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds; the final outcome belongs to the God-conscious, and there is no hostility except against the wrongdoers. I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, the King, the Manifest Truth, and that Muhammad is His servant, His Prophet and His Messenger ﷺ.

Our Lord says: ﴿وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ﴾ [al-Nūr: 26] (And good men are for good women). What does this word signify? And what does "goodness" mean? Is a person described as good unless he is with Allah? If you, sister, want to be a good woman, be with Allah; and if you want your husband to be righteous, be with Allah. Very simply, and by Allah besides whom there is no god, there is no complication at all except what we create in our daily lives. So be upon Allah's command and Allah will set your life upon your affairs; seek His help and stand firm on what He wants, for our Lord is near, hearing, answering, the Mender of broken hearts, the Bestower, the Giver.

And the Exalted says: ﴿إِنَّا كُنَّا قَبْلُ فِي أَهْلِنَا مُشْفِقِينَ﴾ [al-Ṭūr: 26] (Indeed, we were previously among our families, fearful and tender). Where does tender fear come from if the heart is not softened? And how does the heart soften if it is not connected to Allah? If you want a soft heart when you return home, keep up your remembrance of Allah before you reach home, and Allah will prepare for you in your home what you find stability and rest with. And if you see otherwise, perhaps we need more obedience to Allah. And if you sat with your wife and said: come, from now on let us devote ourselves to Allah, that would be a good and fine beginning.

I ask Allah, the Most High, the All-Powerful, to establish the homes of the Muslims upon what He loves and is pleased with for them.

O Allah, be gentle with our people in Palestine, protect their blood from every harm, draw Your covering over them, preserve Your security for them, bring them to the places of right guidance, unite their hearts upon obedience to You, unite their word upon a common word, and make them content in themselves and their families. O Allah, mend their hearts, O Lord.

--- ^[1]: Editor's documentation: Muslim narrated it in the long ḥadīth of Jābir, may Allah be pleased with him, on the Farewell Pilgrimage, where its wording is: «فَإِنَّكُمْ أَخَذْتُمُوهُنَّ بِأَمَانِ اللَّهِ، وَاسْتَحْلَلْتُمْ فُرُوجَهُنَّ بِكَلِمَةِ اللَّهِ» ("You have taken them under the protection of Allah, and made their intimacy lawful by the word of Allah"); the wording «بأمانة الله» ("on the trust of Allah") given in the text occurs in the Tafsīr of Ibn Jarīr al-Ṭabarī. ^[2]: Editor's documentation: What is established is what Muslim (780) narrated from Abū Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him: «لَا تَجْعَلُوا بُيُوتَكُمْ مَقَابِرَ، إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَنْفِرُ مِنَ الْبَيْتِ الَّذِي تُقْرَأُ فِيهِ سُورَةُ الْبَقَرَةِ» ("Do not make your houses graves; Satan flees from the house in which Sūrat al-Baqarah is recited"), and it specifies no period. As for specifying "three nights" for whoever recites it at night and "three days" for whoever recites it by day, that is in the ḥadīth of Sahl ibn Saʿd, may Allah be pleased with him, in Ibn Ḥibbān, al-Ṭabarānī and others, and al-Albānī graded it weak in al-Silsilah al-Ḍaʿīfah (1349). Concerning the two closing verses of al-Baqarah, there is the ḥadīth of al-Nuʿmān ibn Bashīr, may Allah be pleased with him, in al-Tirmidhī (2882), that they are not recited in a house for three nights and then Satan comes near it; al-Albānī graded it ṣaḥīḥ in Ṣaḥīḥ al-Targhīb (1467).